OT: Good jokes for a Best Man speech?

[Bensational]

Thought I'd throw this out there since there are some pretty damn funny people on this board. Anyone know any good jokes for a Best Man speech, that are suitable for all audiences?

I've got the speech written up, with a few funny stories about the groom and what not. But we've been explicitly told not to say anything about his past/exes, or anything that will offend the likes of his grandparents.

I've read a few online, most are rubbish. Anyone heard any good, short, inoffensive jokes for openers/closers/segues?

[Orium]

At some point during the speech you could start to stumble while reading your cards (assuming you have them) and then turn to the groom and say "Brian (or whoever), I can't read your handwritting!".

I've seen it go over pretty well but it was all about the execution

[in-limbo]

If (insert brides name) was a road hazard, the sign would read OPEN TRENCH.

[Smooth_E]

Whatever you do, just DON'T do this as the best man:

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIbegxOwwpI[/youtube]

[FFBlitzace]

As an opener:

Pull a piece of paper out of one pocket and start reading, "To the families of all involved, I deeply regret my involvement in the kidnapping and murder of - wait, whoops..." And then put that back in the pocket and pull the real speech out of the other pocket.

I have no idea whether that's original or not. I just sat here for the past several minutes determined to come up with something.

[MellowRose]

Start pissing in your pants and see if anyone notices.

Sent from my HTC One X using RealGM Forums mobile app

[Melvinlocker]

If you could do the first half of your speech in another language, that would be pretty Bensational.

[claudio-br]

say that you are so bad at writing speeches that you had to ask your fellow realGMers for help. people will prolly laugh

[Showbiz Bear]

I was slighted by my best friend of 20 years when he chose another guy to be his best man instead of me. But after the best man's "speech" (he literally just said, and I'm not making this up: "You guys are great, I love you, and... uh... have a great life") I ganked the mic (respectfully) and just said something short, sweet, funny, and heartwarming... and got an applause. The REAL best man gave me a playful jab and said "thanks for making me look bad". We laughed.

Sorry, I know that didn't help you at all, but I just wanted to share my story. I find the K.I.S.S (keep it simple stupid) method is best. Brevity is the soul of wit. Less is more. Yaddy yaddy yada. Carry on.

[Bensational]

As an opener:

Pull a piece of paper out of one pocket and start reading, "To the families of all involved, I deeply regret my involvement in the kidnapping and murder of - wait, whoops..." And then put that back in the pocket and pull the real speech out of the other pocket.

I have no idea whether that's original or not. I just sat here for the past several minutes determined to come up with something.

yeah, I'd think about going that route but a friend of mine recently started his own best man speech as an AA intro, which I think stole the thunder on that approach.

i was thinking the ol' "The bride and groom have asked me to prepare a few lines... (sniff-sniff)... and now that i've snorted them i'm ready to do this speech".

only problem is i can't help but feel all those jokes are inherently lame and cornball.

[Bensational]

I was slighted by my best friend of 20 years when he chose another guy to be his best man instead of me. But after the best man's "speech" (he literally just said, and I'm not making this up: "You guys are great, I love you, and... uh... have a great life") I ganked the mic (respectfully) and just said something short, sweet, funny, and heartwarming... and got an applause. The REAL best man gave me a playful jab and said "thanks for making me look bad". We laughed.

Sorry, I know that didn't help you at all, but I just wanted to share my story. I find the K.I.S.S (keep it simple stupid) method is best. Brevity is the soul of wit. Less is more. Yaddy yaddy yada. Carry on.

yeah, that's what i'm going for. and trying to avoid any 'in-jokes' that nobody else is going to understand. "this reminds me of that time in Ios! uh? UH!?" (crickets).

nice to see you fighting to claim that best man spot.

[gazken]

I've done two best man speeches in my time and I opened one of those speeches by standing up with an A4 piece of paper in my hand (speech was written on this as i couldnt revise it lol)

And say to everyone " hello everyone this is not the first time today ive risen from a warm seat with a sheet of paper in my hand"

Got a great laugh and really broke the ice for me straight away

Good luck

[RookieStar]

A pretty corny one is... " I've been paid a 1000 bucks by the groom to mke him look good, forgot the paper so I'll just wing it"

[Nyce_1]

part way through the speech, say: "let me tell you about (name)'s past". Look at him with your hand sticking out as the universal sign of pay me. Work it out with him before hand to give you a $20 (or whatever), say that's not enough, then have him give you another $100 and continue on with your speech.

That should get some laughs.

[claudio-br]

google quotes from guys like mark twain, oscar wilde, ...

[Audi]

Opener for my best man speech for my buddy (who is proudly overweight): "Finally - an event of importance in (name)'s life that eclipses the McRib returning.." Got a huge laugh on that one.

Not a joke, but also was not the best man (but was a groomsman) in another friend's wedding. Being a nature photographer and knowing my way around a camera, I instead candidly snapped an amazing photo that ended up better than any the professional photographer took that night, posted it to Facebook minutes after the vows and said: "may your marriage be like a pair of scissors - forever firmly joined at the middle, and though often moving in opposite directions, always able to join again as one, destroying whatever may come between you." Got hundreds of likes/shares and multiple people saying I should have given the speech.

A few years ago I was also approached via youtube by a guy asking me for a copy of the original Magic theme song (in sig). Sent him a copy and he apparently used it as his friend's wedding intro song - would've loved to see that!

[Kilgore Trout]

It's an old one but you could do the spare key gag;

At some point during the speech you could say " Now that ______ is a married man, at this point I'd like to make an appeal for any old girlfriends out there to return their spare key to his place that they might still have"

You would have already passed out some keys to people (10 or 20), cue lots of old Aunt's from the brides Family, his college room-mate, the priest, etc. coming up to the top table and returning the key to the groom. Needless to say, not a good idea to give keys to the brides sister or any actual ex-girlfriends that may be there!!

It's old and a bit cheesy but I've seen it get a lot of laughs

[BadMofoPimp]

Start off with: "There was a time when I thought this guy would never get married. Just like this one time after being up all night with hookers n blow, one of the ho's had ganked his wallet. So, (Groom) is arguing with this broad when the pimp burst in the door. They start yelling at each other and the Pimp pulls a gun out. (Groom) smoothly turns to the pimp and just says,"You know I am a long time customer who always takes care of the ladies. Why would I cause problems? They all should know I tip well." Pimp turns gun from (Groom) to the Ho in question and says,"Give my boy back his money now, biatch!" She gives (Groom) his money back. Pimp says,"sorry about that bro, this night is on me." Nonetheless, we both called in sick to work and continued to party for another 24 hours. (Groom) is a champ who could outlast the best. Am I right ladies? Or amirite!?!?!!

[Nyce_1]

It's an old one but you could do the spare key gag;

At some point during the speech you could say " Now that ______ is a married man, at this point I'd like to make an appeal for any old girlfriends out there to return their spare key to his place that they might still have"

You would have already passed out some keys to people (10 or 20), cue lots of old Aunt's from the brides Family, his college room-mate, the priest, etc. coming up to the top table and returning the key to the groom. Needless to say, not a good idea to give keys to the brides sister or any actual ex-girlfriends that may be there!!

It's old and a bit cheesy but I've seen it get a lot of laughs

This one is pretty funny.

[jgosche]

Pretty simple and corny one:

"Now I'd like to ask (groom) to put his hand on top of (bride)s."

(He puts his hand on hers)

"I'd like everybody to remember this moment, because it's the last time (groom) will have the upper hand in the relationship."