Funny NBA stories

[Walmart]

Here's the pigs in a blanket story from Bill Simmons...

: Hmmmmm. I don't know if this is better, but it happened one night later. Right after the Slam Dunk Contest, every All-Star Saturday night there's a commissioner's party inside whatever building is hosting the event. I went this year with a connected NBA friend of mine. They were passing food around, and he shook his head when a waiter offered us a slider from a tray. That led to this exchange (recalled to the best of my abilities).

-- Me (plowing into a slider): "Why didn't you get one? I thought you were hungry."

-- Him: "I'm waiting for the pigs in a blanket."

-- Me: "I love pigs in a blanket! How do you know there's pigs in a blanket?"

-- Him: "Are you kidding? You don't know?"

-- Me: "Know what?"

-- Him: "Pigs in a blanket. That's Stern's favorite food. He has it at every party he throws. And not just average pigs in a blanket, it's always high-caliber."

-- Me: "Wait a second … what?"

-- Him: "I swear to God. Supposedly the NBA had a party like a year ago that didn't have pigs in a blanket -- he totally flipped out on the person running it."

-- Me: "Stop it. Get out of here. I don't believe you."

-- Him: "I'm telling you. You watch. I will bet you any amount of money that there's pigs in a blanket at this party, and not just that but that it's good."

-- Me: "No way, this is too weird. You couldn't be making this up."

Like five minutes later, a waiter walked by with … you guessed it. Pigs in a blanket. And they were delicious. The lesson, as always: You gotta love David Stern. Well, unless he's looking the other way

[Bandwagon1]

Lmao the naked prostitute part killed me

http://deadspin.com/5659426/john-salley-story-corner-down-and-out-in-toronto-with-isiah-thomas-and-crazy-alvin-robertson?skyline=true&s=i

[Jase]

Stack, on former Jazz guard Kirk Snyder.

"Boom, he punched me in the stomach with an open fist," Stackhouse said, incredulously. "I was like, 'OK, I can go crazy right now and get suspended for two or three games and lose this money.' The smart side of me said, 'No, I'm not going to do that. But I'm going to get this boy.' You don't put your hands on me. I can deal with a lot of verbal stuff and wolfing and all that, but you put your hands on me, no. And I thought I had cleaned it up, but obviously I hadn't."

When the game ended, Stackhouse recalls asking the training staff for a warm-up suit, then waiting on the docks where Utah's bus would depart. "I ain't even shower," Stackhouse recalls. "I put on some sweats, some sneakers, and I went and stood in the tunnel. As soon as [Snyder] came out, I fired on him. I got in a couple. That was it. I don't know where all these security people came from. It probably lasted 20 seconds. Everybody pulled me off and that was it."

[suckfish]

Here's the pigs in a blanket story from Bill Simmons...

: Hmmmmm. I don't know if this is better, but it happened one night later. Right after the Slam Dunk Contest, every All-Star Saturday night there's a commissioner's party inside whatever building is hosting the event. I went this year with a connected NBA friend of mine. They were passing food around, and he shook his head when a waiter offered us a slider from a tray. That led to this exchange (recalled to the best of my abilities).

-- Me (plowing into a slider): "Why didn't you get one? I thought you were hungry."

-- Him: "I'm waiting for the pigs in a blanket."

-- Me: "I love pigs in a blanket! How do you know there's pigs in a blanket?"

-- Him: "Are you kidding? You don't know?"

-- Me: "Know what?"

-- Him: "Pigs in a blanket. That's Stern's favorite food. He has it at every party he throws. And not just average pigs in a blanket, it's always high-caliber."

-- Me: "Wait a second … what?"

-- Him: "I swear to God. Supposedly the NBA had a party like a year ago that didn't have pigs in a blanket -- he totally flipped out on the person running it."

-- Me: "Stop it. Get out of here. I don't believe you."

-- Him: "I'm telling you. You watch. I will bet you any amount of money that there's pigs in a blanket at this party, and not just that but that it's good."

-- Me: "No way, this is too weird. You couldn't be making this up."

Like five minutes later, a waiter walked by with … you guessed it. Pigs in a blanket. And they were delicious. The lesson, as always: You gotta love David Stern. Well, unless he's looking the other way

Thanks. Just excellent. Perfect. God I love David Stern.

[toodles23]

Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire got pulled over driving back from a game against seattle while smoking weed. Police recognized them because there was a huge load of smoke coming out of the car's window.

Later, 3lbs of weed was found at Damon's house.

Damon lived 5 houses down the street from me when that happened. What's the point of having that much when you're an NBA player, there's no reason to sell it when you're that rich, and 3 pounds is way more than even the most hardcore stoner would need.

[ferk]

Snoop lion said he smoked 81 blunts in a day

[JustOneFix]

Best one of all time;

"Play some Picasso to me...." Former Nets player Chris Morris said it to pianist while in the bar trying to impress a chick.

[carl_english]

Posting in this Legendary thread.

[MrBigShot]

Best one of all time;

"Play some Picasso to me...." Former Nets player Chris Morris said it to pianist while in the bar trying to impress a chick.

This thread was completely worth reading through all of the pages.

[EastSideBucksFan]

This Kwame Brown story is full of pure gold

What Brown knows, and what he does not, has been a source of continual surprise for the Wizards, and they have not always been amusing surprises, either. The fact is, when Jordan, in his role as the team's chief executive, and Coach Doug Collins decided to make a 19-year-old fresh from his senior prom at Glynn Academy the No. 1 draft pick, they had no idea what they were actually getting themselves into. Isiah Thomas, the head coach of the Indiana Pacers, tried to tell them. "You're going to be shocked," Thomas said. "He won't know a thing about basketball."

Basketball was the least of it. With Brown, the Wizards have found themselves in the business of child rearing, of caring for a 6-foot-11 baby-man who has required far more careful handling and feeding than they bargained for.

He fooled them. The Wizards' youngest player only looked fully formed. The problem was Brown's deceptive physique; he seemed so ready-made. He was beautiful, they all agreed, your eye couldn't help but go to him, in everything he did, just picking up the ball. He was lightning quick for a big man, and he could handle the ball, which meant he could make a play the length of the floor. "Skills people dream about," Collins says. When he worked out against fellow high schooler Tyson Chandler, he had no conscience whatsoever, which was what they liked most; he was reckless and unschooled and he decimated Chandler in one on one, and oh, they'd seen things like this before, hadn't they, and what it was, well, it was the real thing.

And he seemed so level-headed, smart and self-assured. "If you draft me, I'll never disappoint you," he told Jordan.

"He's mature, articulate, he's 6-11, and got all this talent, and you think he's ready to help us immediately," Collins says. What they couldn't see was the inside of him. The lungs that were underdeveloped. The softness that came from never having been really pushed, from not having lived alone in a big city, from never having been away from his mother. "Inside, he's mush," says his youth pastor from Brunswick, the Rev. John Williams.

There was the time they discovered that he was eating Popeyes fried chicken for every meal, including breakfast, because he didn't really know how to grocery-shop.

The sports management firm that represents Brown, SFX, assigned Richard J. Lopez, a 36-year-old business manager, to shepherd him. Lopez found that he essentially became a parent.

Lopez took Brown to a Giant supermarket and helped him fill a cart with food. Then Lopez drove Brown home to his rented apartment in Alexandria and hard-boiled a dozen eggs for him and put them in the refrigerator.

One morning before a Wizards game, Brown called Lopez, and said, "I have nothing to wear. Everything's dirty."

Lopez knew Brown had a closet full of new suits – he had helped hang them there. "Kwame," he explained, "you have to take those suits to the dry cleaners." That was fine, Brown said, but he didn't know how to do that, and he still didn't have anything to wear.

Lopez drove over to Brown's apartment, and found the suits in a heap by the bed. Each time Brown wore one, he would take it off, wad it up and throw it in a corner.

Lopez picked up a suit from the pile, got out the iron, and began ironing.

It was Lopez who helped Brown find his apartment, a four-bedroom condo in Alexandria. Lopez also got him a deal on a Mercedes S500, and a free cell phone, and helped him set up his cable service, and get an ATM card, and all the other things that go with being an adult. At first, Brown's mother, Joyce, was there to help, and there was a temporary roommate to keep him company, an acquaintance from Brunswick attending Howard Law School. But then his mother went home to care for her other children, and the roommate got a place closer to campus.

Finally, the condo was empty, except for Brown and Lopez. Brown looked at his manager. "Are you going to stay over?" he asked tentatively. Lopez, stunned, realized Brown had never spent the night alone before. Lopez took off his shoes.

[XXIV]

Can't let this thread die.

http://dsy.posterous.com/50904227

The day before game 4 of the Bulls Suns finals with the Bulls leading the series 2-1. Michael and Charles Barkley went golfing. They played 48 holes of golf. And Michael bought Charles a $20,000 diamond earring. Johnny asked MJ, “what did you do all that for?” Michael responded, “he won’t get in my way the rest of the series, what’s $20,000 to me? Charles thinks we’re great friends. I hate that fat ****.” Jordan dropped 55 in game 4 and Barkley never touched him once.

[bwgood77]

I came across some funny comments by nba GM's from a few years ago, while looking back at an old article about the draft....

Think you've got the Rose-Beasley debate figured out? One respected NBA general manager who's drafting in the second half of the first round said the Bulls and virtually everyone else is getting it wrong.
"Michael Beasley is far and away the best player in this draft," the GM said. "He's going to dominate in this league. How could you pass on him? I know everyone is talking about character this and character that, but come on, he's not a bad kid."

Some veteran GMs drafting later in the first round are scratching their heads at our last mock draft -- especially some of the high risers in the draft.
"Russell Westbrook is a role player who probably is a sixth man on a good team," one GM said. "How has he risen to a top-10 pick? I'd take Leandro Barbosa over him any day of the week. Westbrook is athletic, fast and plays defense, but a top-10 pick? I don't see it."

http://insider.espn.go.com/nba/draft200 ... tes-080624

[Bodhi]

Here's another funny Kwame story:

"But like, the game before we traded for Pau, were playing Detroit and I had like 40 points towards the end of the game. This is back when Detroit had Rasheed [Wallace], Chauncey [Billups] and those guys, so we had no business being in the game. So down the stretch of the game, they put in a box and one. So I'm surrounded by these players, Detroit players, and Kwame is under the basket, all by himself. Literally, like all by himself. So I pass him the ball, he bobbled it and it goes out of bounds.

"So we go back to the timeout and I'm [upset], right? He goes, 'I was wide open.' 'Yeah, I know.' This is how I'm talking to him, like, during the game. I said, 'You're going to be open again, Kwame, because Rasheed is just totally ignoring you.' He said, 'Well, if I'm open don't throw it to me.' I was like, 'Huh?' He said, 'Don't throw it to me.' I said, 'Why not?' He said, well, 'I'm nervous. If I catch it and they foul me, I won't make the free throws.' I said, 'Hell no!'

"I go to Phil [Jackson], I say, 'Hey Phil, take him out of the game.' He's like, 'Nah, let him figure it out.' So, we lose the game, I go the locker room, I'm steaming. Steaming. I'm furious. Then, finally I get a call, they said, 'You know what, we got something that's happening with Pau.' I was like, 'Alright. Cool.'…That's what I had to deal with the whole year."

[Frank Mulely]

I kind of feel Kobe's pain on those Kwame etc. teammates lol.

[TylerTheDebater]

Someone posted this on the Celtics boards:

Longtime lurker who thought my boys would appreciate a little quote from the legend

Via rollingstone from the Miami Vice pink shirt himself

For some reason, however, Johnson, who co-stars in Django Unchained, was quick to debunk this rumor in a chat with Rolling Stone. “Look, I’ve seen guys with a lot bigger [penises] than me,” he said. “One time, I was in the Celtics locker room talking to Larry Bird and Kevin McHale … and there’s Dennis Johnson coming out of the showers and, dude, that’s who put the Johnson in Johnson. I mean, it must have shown on my face, because when I turned back to Larry, he looked at me and said, ‘I know, huh?’ and I was like, ‘Dude, that’s a weapon.’ ””

DJ and Pippen have legendary dongs.

That one is kind of sad, but only in retrospect. There's an Eddie Griffin fan on here that takes people to task whenever that story gets brought up.

It was funny until it wasn't. It's not anymore.

Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire got pulled over driving back from a game against seattle while smoking weed. Police recognized them because there was a huge load of smoke coming out of the car's window.

Later, 3lbs of weed was found at Damon's house.

Better: Damon was caught at an airport with weed when he went through the metal detector. How could a metal detector find weed you ask? He had wrapped it in tin foil.

Snoop lion said he smoked 81 blunts in a day

Not sure how this is funny, NBA related or a story... but he said he smokes 71 times each day.

[Turgon]

'Westhead Must Die' Ex-lakers Coach Scared, Surprised By 1980 Plot
June 06, 1988|By PHIL JASNER, Daily News Sports Writer


"Scary."

That was the succinct descriptive term Paul Westhead used as he learned of the revelations offered by former NBA player Spencer Haywood in the forthcoming June 13 edition of People magazine.

In a first-person account, Haywood recalls his own drug abuse and his plot to kill Westhead, then the coach of the Los Angeles Lakers, during the 1979-80 championship series against the 76ers.

Westhead, now coaching at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles, learned of the magazine piece through a telephone call from The Los Angeles Times.

"It's kind of scary, in a lot of respects," Westhead told the Daily News last night. "If anyone with the Lakers knew anything about this (during the '79-80 championship series), they never told me. I assume they did not know."

Haywood, then a forward with the Lakers, was suspended by Westhead during the series. Haywood fell asleep during stretching exercises before a team practice. In the magazine piece, Haywood says that, during the stretching exercises, he "passed out after a night of free-basing."

Later, Haywood says, he hired a Detroit mobster to kill Westhead, a former West Catholic High and St. Joseph's University player and La Salle University coach. Haywood says he "left the Forum and drove off in my Rolls that night, thinking one thing - that Westhead must die.

"In the heat of anger and the daze of coke, I phoned an old friend of mine, a genuine certified gangster. We sat down and figured it out. Westhead lived in Palos Verdes, and we got his street address. We would sabotage his car, mess with his brake lining."

Haywood says the plot was called off when his mother intervened and threatened to turn him in to the police.

"What jumps out at me is, I remember the team finishing its stretching, guys are on their backs, working on their legs, but Woody wasn't moving,"

Westhead said. "He was just kind of 'out.' We moved him off to the side, so we could get going with our work.

"We were a group, digging in. It wasn't a time for anger. If a player wasn't ready, he would just have to stay back. Another scary part is, I wonder how close it came. It sounds like an A-B-C operation - decide what you're going to do, get the people, then do it.

"But I remember my decision as something I had to do, for the team, for my job. I would think, in a similar circumstance, I would respond the same way. I can't react in fear.