There is a small amount of people in the universe who say they don't know who Olynyk is. Here is the usual, short and to the point answer.
He is as popular as Bird and a lot more popular than Brady or Orr, he is responsible for the lobster population off the Massachusetts coast increasing by 41% in the past two years, he is more magical than David Copperfield, he is looked up to as perfection by those who are folically-challenged, he is like Crispus Attucks but with a better jump shot, he is taller than Gronk and smarter too, he is someone who owns more hats than Shawn Kemp has children, he is the one who filmed PSAs for the Latvian audience and convinced them to stop mutilating squirrels, he is able to dismantle a 426 Hemi and replace all parts and put it back together in under 41 minutes, he is worshipped in many areas of Asia and they grind up animal parts and consume them in the belief they will have hair like Olynyk, he is the only one who can send the Whalers back to Hartford, he is the writer of the song Safety Dance and co-wrote Dirty Diana, he is the one who put Canada on the map, he is this century's Bo Jackson as a multi-sport megastar, he is more popular in North Korea than Rodman is, he is the inspiration behind all of Anne Murray's songs, he is who the Japanese call on when Godzilla threatens Tokyo, he is being asked to replace the failure Daniel Craig as the new 007, he is the person who found Newfoundland, he is the official burger judge for Boston Magazine’s Battle of the Burger, he is one of the longest-tenured current Celtics, he is one of the most famous people in the world, he is why thousands of illegals cross the border every week into the USA and the Canadian government can't stop the exodus of fans going south, he is the only person to complete the last level of the ET Atari video game, he is Paul Pressey's son's hero, he is to the Boston Estonian Society what Dwight Evans is to Red Sox fans, he is why Metallica had long hair when they had good songs, he is more popular with the children of Japan than Pikachu is, he is someone who could bring the Braves back to Boston if he is asked to, he is one of the only people on earth Brock Lesnar fears, he is the face of Black History Month in New England, he is the reason why for the first time people in Quebec want to speak English, he is according to people in Ohio the one who single-handedly decided the NBA championship this season, he is the spokesperson for Kentucky Fried Chicken in Canada and the spokesperson for Canadian Fried Chicken in Kentucky, he is the only human ever invited to Fraggle Rock, he is one of the few Celtics tall enough to be allowed to ride on roller-coasters, he is the only foreigner able to walk around downtown Al Mukalla without getting shot at, he is the only Celtic to represent the team at the last two All-Star Weekends, he is known by WWF fans as the Giant Machine, he is Ireland's greatest export and the name O'Lynyk is cheered even more than St. Patrick or the lead singer from The Corrs, he is the winner of the Nobel Prize in Economic Sciences and the EU Human Rights Defenders Award, he is why Dave Chapelle cancelled his show, he is like John Hancock but with a more famous and sought-after autograph, he is The Kelly Olynyk.
When news came through that Tom Brady would be missing four games, many people suggested KO. Kevin O'Connell rushed to Boston thinking they wanted him. No, they were saying Kelly Olynyk at quarterback would mean four wins.
A new bridge from Detroit to Windsor is going to be named after Gordie Howe, but a bigger and better bridge is planned to link Vancouver and Seattle and it will be named after Kelly Olynyk.
A story several months ago in the Winnipeg Sun called Trading Pucks For Hoops said that because of Kelly Olynyk basketball is Canada's next big sport.
Nick Van Exel and Kevin Ollie were talking the other day, and they of course were inspired by The Kelly Olynyk. They thought that together, combining their forces, they would be Ollie-Nick.
What would there be if Betty Crocker had married an Atlanta Braves pitcher and played basketball at Wichita State and blocked many shots? Shocker shotblocker Betty Crocker-Rocker.
It is a tradition in Kamloops that a young buy will be given an axe and told to go away, to learn the skills of the lumberjack, and return as an incredible and destructive force. Some go to Alberta, others go to Vancouver Island. It was The Kelly Olynyk who went to the Sahara Forest.
With everyone cheering for KO, Kelly Olynyk, Kyle Okposo wondered why he had all these new fans. He was wrong, and he is still called Okposo the Bozo.
Olynyk won the Canadian Mathematical Olympiad three times in a row.
The Beach Boys had the line "One arm over my shoulder" in their song Marcella. In Hully Gully the Beach Boys sang "You just wiggle your shoulders, man, that's all it takes. Do it with your left shoulder. Do it with your other shoulder, now". The Beach Boys told Love to remember he had a glass shoulder. New Canadian band Bachman–Turner Overdrive said Olynyk was just Takin' Care of Business.
LeBron left Papi in Miami and fled to Cleveland. Papi Gonzalo Le Batard picked up his banana and called Juanito. Maybe Juanito called The Kelly Olynyk, and suddenly LeBron didn't have any Love in Cleveland.
Olynyk was the only person to ever get a perfect score on the Canada Fitness Award Program presented by the Canadian Association for Health, Physical Education and Recreation. The Canadian Fitness Test was the last great thing that country achieved, until The Kelly Olynyk appeared.
When Olynyk goes to the Oakville Country Club he charges everything to the Underhill's account, they don't mind.
Stat's incredible, stat's Olynyk.
Olynyk had 0 kicked ball violations in 2014-15.
He had a true shooting percentage in the playoffs of 64.8%. Iguodala was 54.6%, Curry was 60.7%.
The Celtics were +226 with Olynyk on the court.
For 2014-15, only Dirk hit more 3s than Olynyk among 7-0 or taller players.
Olynyk was third in the NBA for offensive real plus/minus among centers.
Only two players in the history of the NBA at 7-0 or taller have averaged at least 1.5 assists, 0.5 steals and 0.5 3pointers in their first two NBA seasons, Olynyk and Sabonis. Dirk managed it in one of his first two seasons but not both, and Spencer Hawes might have done it once.
In his entire NBA career, Olynyk has never been ejected, had a technical or flagrant foul.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
It is important to help the elderly. I am sure this old, unknown guy is happy that I am taking the time to talk to him.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I finally got to meet Allen Iverson. Although if he is The Answer then I hate to think what the question was.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I can't believe I was traded to Brooklyn. I'm a Net and all Boston got was Lopez, Johnson, that foreign guy with the funny name, Jack, 4 first rounders and cash. Although the trade could still be cancelled if a Net doesn't pass their physical.
What the overweight French-Canadian is thinking.
I am an overweight French-Canadian but when I wear my KO shirt for Olynyk I feel super.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Where did little Phil Pressey go, he must be around here somewhere.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I was looking for you everywhere. Don't wander off, a little guy like you could get hurt, and remember, don't talk to strangers.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
It is safe to say I am the foundation of this franchise, and their building. Take away The Kelly Olynyk column and the Garden falls down and crushes the train station and then ends up in the river. That would be an even bigger disaster for the city than the Vin Baker trade was.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
According to this I am the biggest thing in Boston. Of course.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Yes, I am still the biggest thing in Boston. Except for the 1986 NBA championship and when Pavarotti had his concert here, nothing has been close to the Olynykness that is currently all over Boston.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Here I am, back in Canada. Everyone here thinks I am a star. Nobody here can spell a word as long as that, but at least someone got close.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
You had a much better season than that Rondo guy, and I do think your number 99 is a Great One.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Oh well, that's the end of my CFL punting career.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
This guy is possibly the greatest mascot in the entire world, although I do wonder if his parents were Kermit The Frog and Fat Oprah.
What Danny Ainge is thinking.
Kelly Olynyk, you can't see me.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Pressey was right, we're in the land of Oklahoma ranches and I don't think that is just mud from the farm on the bottom of this guy's shoe.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Why did Phil Pressey tell me to check everyone's shoes?
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Conditioner and shampoo, shampoo and conditioner, shampoo and shampoo, conditioner and conditioner, take with you what you have learned and one day you could have hair nearly as good as mine.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Canadians have never been able to find Waldo, just a task that is too difficult for them, but maybe my Where's The Kelly Olynyk books will be fun for them and not too hard for them to do.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I am not happy to see you, although you make me laugh because you sound like the chef from The Muppets, I am just excited because Jeff Green doesn't play for the Celtics now.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Canadians think hygiene is greeting someone called Gene, during the offseason I will travel around Canada and show them that hats or hairnets should be worn in commercial kitchens.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
It has been a lot of fun spending time with little Phil Pressey.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Who says I don't have long arms, look at this wingspan. Look at it.
INTERMISSION
For those who would like a small break, please take a few minutes to watch this important video presentation.
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fw_GnjE-des[/youtube]
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
There they are, the greatest numbers ever in Boston Celtics history.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I hope you have enjoyed the last two weeks of this Clynyk, now most of you know how to wear a headband.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
This is one of the biggest highlights for me, getting to meet PM Dawn. But I wish the little Seattle grunge guy could set adrift.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
The haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. I shake it off.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
So I was on the wrong side of a blindside on the back side by Whiteside.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
These foreign centers, can't play the game or speak the language or even contain me.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
A good lesson for all my fans, be prepared. The heating in here could suddenly go off, but I am prepared for that.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Wait, isn't Pressey supposed to be the one doing this celebration routine.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Who are you, little guy, I thought you were Pressey. There you are, Phil, come over here and meet this guy, he is even smaller than you are.
What Phil Pressey was thinking.
When I grow up, I want to play in the NBA like Kelly Olynyk.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I used to get my hair cut like that, but I think I will stick with my current style.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I can admit it. When it comes to curling, I am a one-eyed fan of the Canadian team.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I remember when we were polite to each other. He was going on and on and on about the Beach Boys. I just mentioned that Corey Hart was much, much better than them.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Everyone knows Corey Hart is better than the Beach Boys, but when he heard that he just snapped. He went crazy.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I used to try to look out for him, let him go by, just because he is so fragile. Like he is a person made out of sand, a beach boy, if you will.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
What did I do to deserve this?
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
This is not polite.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I think this giant Spanish dude is trying to break my shoulder.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Now that angry guy from the Cavs is trying to break my shoulder. The Celtics, and all their fans in New England and even those in Newfoundland, know that I am a dangerous, dangerous man. I am polite, but if the coach wants me to I can destroy all humans.
What Coach Stevens was thinking.
Those NBA referees won't enforce the rules. That's it, 41 is off the leash. Like Lee Marvin said to Chuck Norris, it's a go, take them down.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Olynyk, smash!
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
You want to put the knife in me, and look me in the eye, and see what's going on in there when you turn it, that's what you want to do, right?
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Well, National Basketball Association. Two hundred players? You send that many, don't forget one thing. A good supply of body bags.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
You want a war, you got a war.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
For two years, for two years I held my head high. I did everything for the charities, I did everything for the kids, and the reception I get when I come out here to Cleveland, you fans can stick it. If it wasn't for Kelly Olynyk, you people wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for Kelly Olynyk, Kevin Love would still be selling meat from a truck in Minneapolis. If it wasn't for Kelly Olynyk, all these LeBronny Come Latelys that you see out here in the NBA wouldn't be here. I was selling out every basketball arena in the world, while they were bumming gas to put in their car to get to high school.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Olynyk 3:16 says I just broke your shoulder.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Now, remember, I can break your neck like a chicken's.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I'm going home! Clear a path you Nikola Mirotic. Clear a path! I'm going home!
What Jameer Nelson was thinking.
I've learned my lesson. Don't anger The Kelly Olynyk.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Listen, and understand. The Kelly Olynyk is out there. I can't be bargained with. I can't be reasoned with. I don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. I absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are eliminated from the playoffs.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Another one bites the dust.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I told you I didn't want to fight, but I think I'd better warn you. See, I'm Kelly Olynyk, and these hands are registered with the police department as lethal weapons. Now, I'm obliged by law to tell you that first.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
We will never know.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
This bores me. Is anyone up for tag-team wrestling. How about you and your friends, versus me and the Celtics.
What Kevin Love was thinking.
Help me, Rhonda.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Here you go, try to guess who I am, I know you love this. Ooooh, my shoulder fell out. I better run around looking for John Stamos and Kokomo. I don't have a left arm, it was torn out by the big, bad guy from the British Columbia bush league.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Now, let's see. Two jerseys, both sell in high numbers, but only one of those was burned by the people of Cleveland and it wasn't the 41.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I wonder if John Cena is happy with what I am doing.
What John Cena was thinking.
I am really happy with what The Kelly Olynyk is doing, word life.
