The Official Week 2 Thread: New England at New Favre Favres
Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 4:23 pm
With all that’s been going on in the world - from the possibility of having the first sexy president in office since Kennedy to extremely large-scale scientific pornography capable of destroying the world – you can be forgiven for not realizing that the Patriots are making a trip to visit royalty this weekend. This isn’t your run-of-the-mill mustachioed Eastern European royalty we’re talking about, but Football Royalty. Or, more correctly, Favreball Royalty. Because Brett Favre transcends football.
In honor of such a momentous occasion, this week’s official game thread will be done in the style of the famous courtesan to the holy family Favre, Peter King:
Wednesday Afternoon Bareback
NEW YORK -- So what do you think of a 17-game season now? Anyone for 18? I know I am. Means one more game for Brett Favre.
It can happen, folks. It should happen. For no other reason that to give this middle-aged sportswriter one more week to fawn over the greatest middle-aged quarterback of all time. In fact, I am suggesting we throw out the Gregorian calendar and implement a new one, adding an eighth day called Farveday. And an extra month called Favretober. All I'm saying is, after watching Brett Favre... well, anybody would want another 15 or 20 games to watch each season.
"They're talking about cutting the preseason,'' Pittsburgh linebacker LaMarr Woodley said Sunday night. "They could cut the preseason but how the hell would we get to watch Brett Favre in August?''
No, I told him. The league will never take away our Brett. Unless he wants a gun battle that would put Pacman Jones to shame.
"No, no,'' Woodley said. "Too many people would die. We don’t have enough cemeteries.''
My opposition is simple: Every week, Brett Favre makes an appearance in every game. Even if it’s just for one throw. (Frankly, no one would want to see Brett risk his life behind the Oakland offensive line.) That's my preamble to Commissioner Goodell. I continue to be amazed that owners forget every year how awesome Brett Favre is. But the further the season gets in the rear-view mirror, the easier it is to forget all the other teams and players in the league. I maintain the only way to go is to add Brett Favre to every roster.
That's for another day, though. I wanted to throw it out there so I could beat you over the head with Brett Favre again. However, fans need to support an increase in regular season games because even though it would to lead to more Brett Favre on TV, there would be more Brett Favre in person.
***
"I tried to apologize to him,'' Bernard Pollard said over the phone from Foxboro. "But I'm not sure he heard me tell him I mistook him for Brett Favre''
This was no dirty hit by the Chiefs' safety on Brady's left knee at 1:18 p.m. Sunday afternoon, causing it to hyperextend and, quite probably, doing some serious ligament or cartilage damage, or both. I was told Sunday night that Pollard had thought Brady was actually Brett Favre and, in his excitement, trampled over the offensive line, crashing into Brady. I've seen the spate of reports about Brady not being Brett Favre , and though I don't refute them, I cannot accept that Tom Brady’s 2007 season was not the work of Brett Favre..
Pollard told me, as he told reporters in Foxboro, that he was striving to get at Brady/Favre when running back Sammy Morris blocked him -- and the combination of the block and his own momentum caused him to lunge into Brady's leg, jamming his autograph-seeking pen in Brady’s ACL.
"I tried to get Brett’s autograph, and Tom went down,'' he said. "I knew something was wrong. He wasn’t as ruggedly handsome under that helmet.The running back [Morris] was yelling “that’s not Brett!” but it definitely looked like Brett, and the ref didn't say otherwise. It was most definitely a mistake on my part. It was an accident. It's tough. It's football. I'm sorry it happened, obviously. I can't do anything but apologize to him. I went to Herm [Chiefs coach Herman Edwards] after the play and told him how sorry I was.''
I told Pollard stuff like this happens all the time. One time I trampled 15 children when I thought I spotted Brett Favre’s facial hair at a county festival. Turns out it was just a Portuguese woman.
I spoke with two recent retirees, John Lynch and Vinny Testaverde, Sunday night about the injury and whether or not they have mistaken people for Brett Favre.
Lynch, watching from home in Denver, once told me he mistook an elderly gentleman walking a dog for Brett Favre. Showing that textbook blitzing technique, Lynch tackled the man short of his front yard. Sadly the man later died of his injuries.
"There's no way that was a dirty play,'' Lynch said. "It's easy to look at an old guy in slow-motion and say, 'Oh, Brett Favre!' Totally realistic. Wasn’t my fault the guy couldn’t handle being tackled by a lunatic walking down a suburban street in football pads.''
Testaverde was watching the game from his home in Tampa. And he flashed back to Sept. 12, 1999, the day he once thought he saw Brett Favre ordering a snow cone from an ice cream truck. He politely walked up to the man and asked for his autographed. The piece of paper was signed “To Vinny, best of luck. Walter Gullickson.”
"I never was able to get over that mistake,'' said Testaverde. "And for me, it was heartbreaking.''
Well said, Vinny. Well said.
The Fine Fifteen
1. Brett Favre’s Arm (1-0). The cannon that makes countries tremble in fear. The appendage that separates the Golden Hand that feeds from the Golden Shoulder that…does equally awesome things.
2. Brett Favre’s Smile (1-0). He’s a kid having fun out there. You can tell by that smile that just emanates puppies and rainbows and rainbow-colored puppies.
3. Brett Favre’s Left Buttcheek (1-0). Words cannot describe the heavenly beauty of this finely-sculpted piece of mansteak. If this were 16th Century Italy, Michelangelo would have used Favre’s left buttcheek as inspiration for David’s face, that’s how beautiful it is.
4. The Two-Day Scruff on Brett’s Face (0-1). Rugged, yet sensitive. The kind of beard that says “I will chop some firewood, then lay you down by the fire it produces while I read you some selections from my latest journal.”
5. Brett Favre’s Helmet (1-0). No other helmet in the league has a harder task than the one that keeps Brett’s beautiful face from being beaten about by the savagery that is professional football.
6. Brett Favre’s Gallbladder (1-0). Favre’s gallbladder is quietly having a very underrated season. It receives very little credit for all the hard work that it does in whatever the hell gallbladders are supposed to do.
7. Brett Favre’s Feet (0-0). If it weren’t for his feet, he’d fall down.
8. Chicago (1-0).Grinded out a huge win against Indianapolis. While I still think the offense is a question mark, Matt Forte looked mighty impressive, slicing and dicing his way for huge yards against a tiring defense. I think Chicago has a good chance at surprising quite a few people this season.
9. Brett Favre’s Eyes (0-1). Look into his eyes, I will see. What he means to me.
10. Brett Favre’s Brain (1-0). Big, sexy brain. Capable of doing complex differentials while reading War and Peace while facing the Minnesota front seven.
11. Brett Favre’s Ears (0-1). I’m an ear man.
12. Brett Favre’s Name (1-0). It’s like a heavenly chorus of angels humming the theme song to Sanford and Son, that’s how gorgeous of a sound hearing his name is.
13. Brett Favre’s Cell Phone (0-1). Without you, I could not be connected to God.
14. Brett Favre’s Salt-and-Pepper Hair (1-0). He looks so presidential. Obviously no dye job needed because Just For Men does not work on Brett. Brett is no ordinary man.
15. Brett Favre’s kneecap (1-0) Um, what?
What I Learned About Football This Week That I Didn't Know Last Week
That Brett Favre would have never let his ACL give up on him like Tom Brady’s did. That is just further proof that God does indeed exist and that he is throwing passes to Jerricho Cotchery down in Jersey.
Quote of the Week I
"OMG I LUV U''
-- Anonymous text message sent to Brett Favre at 10:10PM on Sunday, September 7 while I was driving down the New Jersey Turnpike.
Quote of the Week II
"If my knee was made of Brett Favre, I wouldn’t be such a huge douchebag.''
-- San Diego linebacker Shawne Merriman, who has been advised to have surgery to repair two slightly torn knee ligaments but played Sunday despite taking steroids five minutes before the game.
Quote of the Week III
"I’d a punched the bitch.''
-- Carolina receiver Steve Smith, commenting on how he would treat a teammate that would suggest Brett Favre is washed up.
Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me
Did you know that none of the 63 moons of Jupiter are named after Brett Favre?
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Riding shotgun on a bus for the Greater Metro School for the Deaf and Blind and not one Favre fan among the group. Even more aggravating was the kid next to me ignored me the entire time, even when I yelled “Brett Favre!” in his face five times. People can blame television, video games, or even debilitating diseases on the erosion of manners in children these days, but I blame the parents. Parents, please teach your children to respect Brett Favre. The world will be a better place.
Stat of the Week
Brett Favre did 412 things on Sunday that did not show up in the box score. Probably the most important thing he did was telepathically cause Chad Pennington to throw an ill-advised pass to Ted Ginn Jr in the closing minutes of the game. Brett currently stands in second place on the career telepathy list, four behind the all-time great Frank Tarkenton.
Good Guy of the Week
Tom Brady. The Bible teaches us “You shall have no other gods before me” and Tom Brady, he of the Golden ACL, sacrificed himself unto the mercy of our Lord Savior, Jesus Favre so that none of the spotlight will be upon him come this weekend.
The Way We Were
The first in a year-long (or longer) series comparing players of today with those of long ago, or not so long ago. In this section, I'll compare players who, for reasons on and off the field, could have switched places in time and been similar.
Brett Favre vs. Jesus
First, each man can walk on water. Or could, in their prime. Second, Jesus died for our sins. Brett, likewise, has moved to New Jersey. Third, Jesus could turn water into wine. Similarly, Brett Favre downs wine and Vicodin like it’s water.
Can you just imagine Favre standing up to Pontius Pilate? Favre would have picked him apart like he did to the Patriots’ secondary in Super Bowl XXXI.
The Awards Section
Offensive Players of the Week
Brett Favre, QB, New York Jets – Favre reminds me of Larry Bird. Even when Bird was 62 and suffering from a bad back, you could always count on him to grind out a gutsy performance and get your team the win when needed. Last weekend against the Dolphins Brett was like Bird against the Hawks in Game 7 of the 1988 ECF: just unstoppable.
Defensive Player of the Week
Brett Favre, QB, New York Jets – Even though he’s never seen a single snap on the defensive side of the ball, Brett Favre has caused more interceptions himself than any defensive back in the past ten years. He is rarely recognized for his defensive achievements but we should start to consider that Brett may be one of the best all-time.
Special Teams Player of the Week
Brett Favre, QB, New York Jets – Because the Jets are a special team with Brett at quarterback.
Coach of the Week
Brett Favre, QB, New York Jets – For his exemplary play-calling in last weekend’s game. To quote Brett Almighty:
"A couple of times, I just winged it and said, 'Hey guys, same play.' OK, ready, break, whatever.''
With that kind of dedication to strategy, it’s no wonder the Jets are in line to go 19-0 this season.
Ten Things I Think I Think
1. I think these are my quick-hit thoughts of Week 1:
a. How does Brett Favre do it? I mean, I’m only five years older and 195 lbs heavier, but I can’t do 1/110 of the things Brett does on a weekly basis.
b. I'll just say this: Brett Favre
c. Another Example of King Idiocy Dept.: I picked Indianapolis to face the New York Favres in the Super Bowl until I realized they both play in the same conference. Whoops.
d. For the record, Ocho Cinco is not "Eighty-Five'' in Spanish. It's "Brett Favre.''
e. Rumor has it that Tom Brady was so scared to face Brett Favre this weekend that his ACL exploded out of sheer terror. That is nonsense. It exploded out of sheer amazement.
f. Best thing the officiating department did in the offseason: more Ed Hochuli. Hochuli is the second-greatest thing to ever happen to football after Brett Favre.
g. Before the draft, the Dolphins dealt a fourth-round pick to beef up the bottom of their roster, acquiring tight end Anthony Fasano and linebacker Akin Ayodele. For the same price, they could have traded for an autograph picture of Brett Favre running sprints. If you’re the GM of a go-nowhere team, what would you rather have? Bad play, Tuna, bad play.
2. I think it's folly that Daunte Culpepper retired. Who does he think he is, Brett Favre? Only legendary figures can retire. And then unretire. For shame, Daunte.
3. I think, by the way, I checked with Vinny Testaverde, just to be sure, Sunday night. He told me he still likes Brett Favre and to stop calling him during dinner.
4. There is no thought #4.
5. I think these are my college football thoughts of the week:
a. If I were Charlie Weis, I’d be calling Brett Favre every hour on the hour asking him to play for me on Saturdays. Wait, no, I do that already. If I were Charlie Weis, I’d call Brett Favre every hour on the hour and tell him how aweso…wait, no.
b. Memo to Michigan: hi!
c. Horrible, horrible "excessive celebration'' call by the ref in the Washington-BYU game, which led to a 15-yard penalty, which led to a missed extra point, which led to a BYU win. A sin. An absolute sin. The Washington quarterback taunted no one, embarrassed no one, by tossing the ball in the air and jumping into the arms of an offensive lineman. He stole that move from Brett Favre! He should be tried for treason and executed in front of a firing squad of Brett Favre passes.
d. My daughter graduated from somewhere and she’s a pretty special girl that one day is going to marry Brett Favre.
e. College football sure is boring.
6. I think I'm starting to think Carson Palmer is not Brett Favre. When Palmer had that terrific two-season span back in 2005-2006, I was pretty sure that it was Brett Favre in disguise playing the game he loved so much. Nope. Turns out “Carson Palmer” is an anagram for “Porn Caramels”.
7. The GU emblems being worn by all the players this week was a touch of class by the league, although somebody should have told them Brett’s first name isn’t spelled with a G. Or his last name with a U.
8. I think this is what I liked about Week 1:
a. Brett Favre wins!
9. I think this is what I didn't like about Week 1:
a. John Madden mentioning Brett Favre. Get my man’s name out your mouth, bitch.
b. Aaron Rodgers: he is not Brett Favre.
c. I can't believe the Lions still want to play football now that Brett Favre is out of their division. Why bother?
d. Punters
10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:
a. When Peter Gammons says the AL MVP is Dustin Pedroia, that gets my attention because it should be Brett F*cking Favre, you senile dipsh*t.
b. It look possible now -- likely, even -- that the Red Sox and Yankees will play their first meaningless games in a few centuries when they meet at Fenway for the last three games of the season. That’s what happens when Brett Favre comes to New York. Jeter who?
c. I think the Rays are in Florida. Not sure though.
d. Coffeenerdness: went to Starbucks in Montclair, N.J. on Saturday morning, hoping to catch a glimpse of Brett Favre. Instead I received very rude service from a barista who was obviously pissed off that his BA in English Lit wasn’t good enough to get a job writing for Pitchfork. Got some career advice for you, buddy: PBR is not ironically hip. It just sucks, you douche.
e. I've got some opinions, strong ones, about the political events in this country. I think Joe Biden sucks and looks like Bob Barker.
f. One political thought, though, and it's one I think every day: Brett Favre
g. I haven't seen a movie in a long time. The last one I saw was There’s Something About Mary.
h. Only four more days until Brett Favre!
Who I Like This Weekend, and I Mean Brett Favre
New York Jets 725, New England Patriots -3:
There is no way in hell the Patriots can stop the Jets. None. With Tom Brady out and with the defense getting older by the minute, the Jets are poised to walk all over the Patriots this Sunday. In fact, the Patriots will be so scared, they’ll somehow score negative three points.
In honor of such a momentous occasion, this week’s official game thread will be done in the style of the famous courtesan to the holy family Favre, Peter King:
Wednesday Afternoon Bareback
NEW YORK -- So what do you think of a 17-game season now? Anyone for 18? I know I am. Means one more game for Brett Favre.
It can happen, folks. It should happen. For no other reason that to give this middle-aged sportswriter one more week to fawn over the greatest middle-aged quarterback of all time. In fact, I am suggesting we throw out the Gregorian calendar and implement a new one, adding an eighth day called Farveday. And an extra month called Favretober. All I'm saying is, after watching Brett Favre... well, anybody would want another 15 or 20 games to watch each season.
"They're talking about cutting the preseason,'' Pittsburgh linebacker LaMarr Woodley said Sunday night. "They could cut the preseason but how the hell would we get to watch Brett Favre in August?''
No, I told him. The league will never take away our Brett. Unless he wants a gun battle that would put Pacman Jones to shame.
"No, no,'' Woodley said. "Too many people would die. We don’t have enough cemeteries.''
My opposition is simple: Every week, Brett Favre makes an appearance in every game. Even if it’s just for one throw. (Frankly, no one would want to see Brett risk his life behind the Oakland offensive line.) That's my preamble to Commissioner Goodell. I continue to be amazed that owners forget every year how awesome Brett Favre is. But the further the season gets in the rear-view mirror, the easier it is to forget all the other teams and players in the league. I maintain the only way to go is to add Brett Favre to every roster.
That's for another day, though. I wanted to throw it out there so I could beat you over the head with Brett Favre again. However, fans need to support an increase in regular season games because even though it would to lead to more Brett Favre on TV, there would be more Brett Favre in person.
***
"I tried to apologize to him,'' Bernard Pollard said over the phone from Foxboro. "But I'm not sure he heard me tell him I mistook him for Brett Favre''
This was no dirty hit by the Chiefs' safety on Brady's left knee at 1:18 p.m. Sunday afternoon, causing it to hyperextend and, quite probably, doing some serious ligament or cartilage damage, or both. I was told Sunday night that Pollard had thought Brady was actually Brett Favre and, in his excitement, trampled over the offensive line, crashing into Brady. I've seen the spate of reports about Brady not being Brett Favre , and though I don't refute them, I cannot accept that Tom Brady’s 2007 season was not the work of Brett Favre..
Pollard told me, as he told reporters in Foxboro, that he was striving to get at Brady/Favre when running back Sammy Morris blocked him -- and the combination of the block and his own momentum caused him to lunge into Brady's leg, jamming his autograph-seeking pen in Brady’s ACL.
"I tried to get Brett’s autograph, and Tom went down,'' he said. "I knew something was wrong. He wasn’t as ruggedly handsome under that helmet.The running back [Morris] was yelling “that’s not Brett!” but it definitely looked like Brett, and the ref didn't say otherwise. It was most definitely a mistake on my part. It was an accident. It's tough. It's football. I'm sorry it happened, obviously. I can't do anything but apologize to him. I went to Herm [Chiefs coach Herman Edwards] after the play and told him how sorry I was.''
I told Pollard stuff like this happens all the time. One time I trampled 15 children when I thought I spotted Brett Favre’s facial hair at a county festival. Turns out it was just a Portuguese woman.
I spoke with two recent retirees, John Lynch and Vinny Testaverde, Sunday night about the injury and whether or not they have mistaken people for Brett Favre.
Lynch, watching from home in Denver, once told me he mistook an elderly gentleman walking a dog for Brett Favre. Showing that textbook blitzing technique, Lynch tackled the man short of his front yard. Sadly the man later died of his injuries.
"There's no way that was a dirty play,'' Lynch said. "It's easy to look at an old guy in slow-motion and say, 'Oh, Brett Favre!' Totally realistic. Wasn’t my fault the guy couldn’t handle being tackled by a lunatic walking down a suburban street in football pads.''
Testaverde was watching the game from his home in Tampa. And he flashed back to Sept. 12, 1999, the day he once thought he saw Brett Favre ordering a snow cone from an ice cream truck. He politely walked up to the man and asked for his autographed. The piece of paper was signed “To Vinny, best of luck. Walter Gullickson.”
"I never was able to get over that mistake,'' said Testaverde. "And for me, it was heartbreaking.''
Well said, Vinny. Well said.
The Fine Fifteen
1. Brett Favre’s Arm (1-0). The cannon that makes countries tremble in fear. The appendage that separates the Golden Hand that feeds from the Golden Shoulder that…does equally awesome things.
2. Brett Favre’s Smile (1-0). He’s a kid having fun out there. You can tell by that smile that just emanates puppies and rainbows and rainbow-colored puppies.
3. Brett Favre’s Left Buttcheek (1-0). Words cannot describe the heavenly beauty of this finely-sculpted piece of mansteak. If this were 16th Century Italy, Michelangelo would have used Favre’s left buttcheek as inspiration for David’s face, that’s how beautiful it is.
4. The Two-Day Scruff on Brett’s Face (0-1). Rugged, yet sensitive. The kind of beard that says “I will chop some firewood, then lay you down by the fire it produces while I read you some selections from my latest journal.”
5. Brett Favre’s Helmet (1-0). No other helmet in the league has a harder task than the one that keeps Brett’s beautiful face from being beaten about by the savagery that is professional football.
6. Brett Favre’s Gallbladder (1-0). Favre’s gallbladder is quietly having a very underrated season. It receives very little credit for all the hard work that it does in whatever the hell gallbladders are supposed to do.
7. Brett Favre’s Feet (0-0). If it weren’t for his feet, he’d fall down.
8. Chicago (1-0).Grinded out a huge win against Indianapolis. While I still think the offense is a question mark, Matt Forte looked mighty impressive, slicing and dicing his way for huge yards against a tiring defense. I think Chicago has a good chance at surprising quite a few people this season.
9. Brett Favre’s Eyes (0-1). Look into his eyes, I will see. What he means to me.
10. Brett Favre’s Brain (1-0). Big, sexy brain. Capable of doing complex differentials while reading War and Peace while facing the Minnesota front seven.
11. Brett Favre’s Ears (0-1). I’m an ear man.
12. Brett Favre’s Name (1-0). It’s like a heavenly chorus of angels humming the theme song to Sanford and Son, that’s how gorgeous of a sound hearing his name is.
13. Brett Favre’s Cell Phone (0-1). Without you, I could not be connected to God.
14. Brett Favre’s Salt-and-Pepper Hair (1-0). He looks so presidential. Obviously no dye job needed because Just For Men does not work on Brett. Brett is no ordinary man.
15. Brett Favre’s kneecap (1-0) Um, what?
What I Learned About Football This Week That I Didn't Know Last Week
That Brett Favre would have never let his ACL give up on him like Tom Brady’s did. That is just further proof that God does indeed exist and that he is throwing passes to Jerricho Cotchery down in Jersey.
Quote of the Week I
"OMG I LUV U''
-- Anonymous text message sent to Brett Favre at 10:10PM on Sunday, September 7 while I was driving down the New Jersey Turnpike.
Quote of the Week II
"If my knee was made of Brett Favre, I wouldn’t be such a huge douchebag.''
-- San Diego linebacker Shawne Merriman, who has been advised to have surgery to repair two slightly torn knee ligaments but played Sunday despite taking steroids five minutes before the game.
Quote of the Week III
"I’d a punched the bitch.''
-- Carolina receiver Steve Smith, commenting on how he would treat a teammate that would suggest Brett Favre is washed up.
Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me
Did you know that none of the 63 moons of Jupiter are named after Brett Favre?
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Riding shotgun on a bus for the Greater Metro School for the Deaf and Blind and not one Favre fan among the group. Even more aggravating was the kid next to me ignored me the entire time, even when I yelled “Brett Favre!” in his face five times. People can blame television, video games, or even debilitating diseases on the erosion of manners in children these days, but I blame the parents. Parents, please teach your children to respect Brett Favre. The world will be a better place.
Stat of the Week
Brett Favre did 412 things on Sunday that did not show up in the box score. Probably the most important thing he did was telepathically cause Chad Pennington to throw an ill-advised pass to Ted Ginn Jr in the closing minutes of the game. Brett currently stands in second place on the career telepathy list, four behind the all-time great Frank Tarkenton.
Good Guy of the Week
Tom Brady. The Bible teaches us “You shall have no other gods before me” and Tom Brady, he of the Golden ACL, sacrificed himself unto the mercy of our Lord Savior, Jesus Favre so that none of the spotlight will be upon him come this weekend.
The Way We Were
The first in a year-long (or longer) series comparing players of today with those of long ago, or not so long ago. In this section, I'll compare players who, for reasons on and off the field, could have switched places in time and been similar.
Brett Favre vs. Jesus
First, each man can walk on water. Or could, in their prime. Second, Jesus died for our sins. Brett, likewise, has moved to New Jersey. Third, Jesus could turn water into wine. Similarly, Brett Favre downs wine and Vicodin like it’s water.
Can you just imagine Favre standing up to Pontius Pilate? Favre would have picked him apart like he did to the Patriots’ secondary in Super Bowl XXXI.
The Awards Section
Offensive Players of the Week
Brett Favre, QB, New York Jets – Favre reminds me of Larry Bird. Even when Bird was 62 and suffering from a bad back, you could always count on him to grind out a gutsy performance and get your team the win when needed. Last weekend against the Dolphins Brett was like Bird against the Hawks in Game 7 of the 1988 ECF: just unstoppable.
Defensive Player of the Week
Brett Favre, QB, New York Jets – Even though he’s never seen a single snap on the defensive side of the ball, Brett Favre has caused more interceptions himself than any defensive back in the past ten years. He is rarely recognized for his defensive achievements but we should start to consider that Brett may be one of the best all-time.
Special Teams Player of the Week
Brett Favre, QB, New York Jets – Because the Jets are a special team with Brett at quarterback.
Coach of the Week
Brett Favre, QB, New York Jets – For his exemplary play-calling in last weekend’s game. To quote Brett Almighty:
"A couple of times, I just winged it and said, 'Hey guys, same play.' OK, ready, break, whatever.''
With that kind of dedication to strategy, it’s no wonder the Jets are in line to go 19-0 this season.
Ten Things I Think I Think
1. I think these are my quick-hit thoughts of Week 1:
a. How does Brett Favre do it? I mean, I’m only five years older and 195 lbs heavier, but I can’t do 1/110 of the things Brett does on a weekly basis.
b. I'll just say this: Brett Favre
c. Another Example of King Idiocy Dept.: I picked Indianapolis to face the New York Favres in the Super Bowl until I realized they both play in the same conference. Whoops.
d. For the record, Ocho Cinco is not "Eighty-Five'' in Spanish. It's "Brett Favre.''
e. Rumor has it that Tom Brady was so scared to face Brett Favre this weekend that his ACL exploded out of sheer terror. That is nonsense. It exploded out of sheer amazement.
f. Best thing the officiating department did in the offseason: more Ed Hochuli. Hochuli is the second-greatest thing to ever happen to football after Brett Favre.
g. Before the draft, the Dolphins dealt a fourth-round pick to beef up the bottom of their roster, acquiring tight end Anthony Fasano and linebacker Akin Ayodele. For the same price, they could have traded for an autograph picture of Brett Favre running sprints. If you’re the GM of a go-nowhere team, what would you rather have? Bad play, Tuna, bad play.
2. I think it's folly that Daunte Culpepper retired. Who does he think he is, Brett Favre? Only legendary figures can retire. And then unretire. For shame, Daunte.
3. I think, by the way, I checked with Vinny Testaverde, just to be sure, Sunday night. He told me he still likes Brett Favre and to stop calling him during dinner.
4. There is no thought #4.
5. I think these are my college football thoughts of the week:
a. If I were Charlie Weis, I’d be calling Brett Favre every hour on the hour asking him to play for me on Saturdays. Wait, no, I do that already. If I were Charlie Weis, I’d call Brett Favre every hour on the hour and tell him how aweso…wait, no.
b. Memo to Michigan: hi!
c. Horrible, horrible "excessive celebration'' call by the ref in the Washington-BYU game, which led to a 15-yard penalty, which led to a missed extra point, which led to a BYU win. A sin. An absolute sin. The Washington quarterback taunted no one, embarrassed no one, by tossing the ball in the air and jumping into the arms of an offensive lineman. He stole that move from Brett Favre! He should be tried for treason and executed in front of a firing squad of Brett Favre passes.
d. My daughter graduated from somewhere and she’s a pretty special girl that one day is going to marry Brett Favre.
e. College football sure is boring.
6. I think I'm starting to think Carson Palmer is not Brett Favre. When Palmer had that terrific two-season span back in 2005-2006, I was pretty sure that it was Brett Favre in disguise playing the game he loved so much. Nope. Turns out “Carson Palmer” is an anagram for “Porn Caramels”.
7. The GU emblems being worn by all the players this week was a touch of class by the league, although somebody should have told them Brett’s first name isn’t spelled with a G. Or his last name with a U.
8. I think this is what I liked about Week 1:
a. Brett Favre wins!
9. I think this is what I didn't like about Week 1:
a. John Madden mentioning Brett Favre. Get my man’s name out your mouth, bitch.
b. Aaron Rodgers: he is not Brett Favre.
c. I can't believe the Lions still want to play football now that Brett Favre is out of their division. Why bother?
d. Punters
10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:
a. When Peter Gammons says the AL MVP is Dustin Pedroia, that gets my attention because it should be Brett F*cking Favre, you senile dipsh*t.
b. It look possible now -- likely, even -- that the Red Sox and Yankees will play their first meaningless games in a few centuries when they meet at Fenway for the last three games of the season. That’s what happens when Brett Favre comes to New York. Jeter who?
c. I think the Rays are in Florida. Not sure though.
d. Coffeenerdness: went to Starbucks in Montclair, N.J. on Saturday morning, hoping to catch a glimpse of Brett Favre. Instead I received very rude service from a barista who was obviously pissed off that his BA in English Lit wasn’t good enough to get a job writing for Pitchfork. Got some career advice for you, buddy: PBR is not ironically hip. It just sucks, you douche.
e. I've got some opinions, strong ones, about the political events in this country. I think Joe Biden sucks and looks like Bob Barker.
f. One political thought, though, and it's one I think every day: Brett Favre
g. I haven't seen a movie in a long time. The last one I saw was There’s Something About Mary.
h. Only four more days until Brett Favre!
Who I Like This Weekend, and I Mean Brett Favre
New York Jets 725, New England Patriots -3:
There is no way in hell the Patriots can stop the Jets. None. With Tom Brady out and with the defense getting older by the minute, the Jets are poised to walk all over the Patriots this Sunday. In fact, the Patriots will be so scared, they’ll somehow score negative three points.
