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Phil Jackson is approaching his assignment as Western Conference All-Star coach this weekend with all the passion and preparation of your most mediocre substitute teacher.

So it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that he’ll gather his All-Star players for supposed practice, pop in a DVD of the Lakers-Jazz game Wednesday night and announce: “Study this, and maybe we’ll try to run some of the triangle offense in the game Sunday.”

Jackson would then grab his trusty crossword puzzle, sit behind a desk and wait to see who is the first one to ask for all hall pass to use the restroom. (Given his limited ability to focus, I’d guess Phoenix’s Amare Stoudemire.)

If Jackson was the NBA's substitute teacher, this is what his P.E. class might look like in their middle school locker room:

“Psst!”

Pau Gasol takes his eyes off the TV screen and notices Chris Paul dishing him a piece of paper. Gasol opens the note and reads it: “I am the godfather of the NBA. I decree that you must come sit next to me right now. – Shaq”

Gasol looks up to see Jackson engrossed in clipping his fingernails and sashays over to O’Neal’s locker.

“Hola, my All-Star amigo,” O’Neal says. “You know I trained him, right?”

“What’s that?” a confused Gasol says.

“Kobe,” O’Neal says. “I trained him. Look at that.”

O’Neal points to the screen, and he and Gasol watch the start of the Lakers-Jazz game in which Bryant scores 10 points in the first six minutes without attempting a shot beyond 15 feet.

“High-percentage shots,” O’Neal says. “Not just jackin’ it up there. You should thank me. And you have no idea how many times I had to tell him to ‘drop it off’ before he would ever look to pass on the pick-and-roll the way he does now.”

“OK, then,” the agreeable Spaniard says with a shrug. “Thank you, my godfather.”

* * * *

It’s almost halftime in the game footage when O’Neal speaks up again.

“Are you ever going to get another rebound in this game?”

“Well,” Gasol begins as way of explanation, “it wasn’t my best effort – maybe because of all our traveling and heavy minutes since Andrew Bynum got hurt. Phil told the press that I looked tired out there. I actually got only three rebounds in 42 minutes.”

“When I was in L.A., I let everyone know I was the ‘MDE’ – the most dominant ever,” O’Neal says. “You, my amigo, are the new ‘MDE’ – the most dainty ever.”

O’Neal roars with laughter and then throws a spitball at Yao Ming.

“Just so you know,” O’Neal continues when Gasol doesn’t respond, “Phil judges us big men by our rebound and block totals, not our point totals. But what I started to do was just tell Kobe before the game on nights I was feeling slow that he should do a little more, and he would.”

“Well, I don’t like to take any nights off, Shaq,” Gasol says. “I believe I should be out there doing my best every game to help my team win the championship.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” O’Neal says brusquely.

* * *

At the start of the fourth quarter on the video, an agitated Sasha Vujacic is unhappy with the referees and the blame he is getting for several defensive mistakes. Vujacic earlier heard Jackson bark at him: “Take a charge, for Chrissakes!"

Teammate Jordan Farmar has been on Vujacic’s case a bit too, but then approaches Vujacic with some positive energy, and the two slap hands.

Then a few minutes later, with the Lakers losing, Farmar’s body language changes, insinuating Vujacic should’ve given Farmar the ball earlier on a fast-break situation. Vujacic dribbled upcourt and fed Farmar near the basket, leaving Farmar to try a difficult reverse layup that got blocked.

“What the (expletive)?! What!?” Vujacic yells at Farmar upon seeing his teammate’s slumped-shoulders reaction.

Vujacic gets benched then by Jackson, and O’Neal speaks up again.

“Your boy Sasha is so annoying. But I bet Phil likes having these little confrontations inside the team. He was the same way with me and Kobe.”

“Sasha just really wants to do well,” Gasol says about his good friend. “When things happen on our team, though, we usually are able to talk things out. We’re pretty mature that way, even though we have a young team.”

“Too bad Kobe wasn’t good at talking things out back when I was there,” O’Neal says. “We could’ve won three, four or five more championships.”

* * * *

Gasol has been quietly thinking about O’Neal’s last words as the fourth quarter plays out. As Bryant keeps coming and coming at Utah when very few other Lakers have the energy or will, Gasol decides to push the envelope a bit.

“Look at his effort out there,” Gasol says after they watch Bryant miss a 3-pointer but then go and rip the ball from Kyle Korver’s hands before laying it in for a 107-107 tie. “He’s like the killer in one of your American slasher movies. He just refuses to die. I have a lot of respect for the guy.”

Put on the spot, O’Neal appears to soften slightly and says: “I do, too. I’ve been kissing his butt nonstop in the media all season. I just said to a Cleveland Plain Dealer reporter the other day: ‘Kobe is a 10. LeBron’s a 9.7 or 9.8.’ I think I should be cast in a slasher flick ahead of Kobe – they must not have released ‘Kazaam’ in Spain for you to see – but I hear what you’re saying.”

* * * *

The Lakers have a chance to tie at 112-109 after Deron Williams’ free-throw miss with 20.6 seconds left. Bryant soars for the rebound and bolts upcourt – only to find Jazz defenders fencing him in way behind the 3-point arc.

Bryant passes to Derek Fisher, who misses a 3-pointer and then misses another one after Lamar Odom’s offensive rebound.

“He could’ve given it up sooner, but I’m impressed he gave it up,” O’Neal says. “And I am not easily impressed.”

“We all know that, Shaquille,” a gravely voice interjects.

It’s Jackson, who has come over upon seeing Gasol and O’Neal talking.

“Remember what I told you when I called you the day the Lakers traded you in 2004? I told you not to forget the good times you had in L.A., and how it was a good home for you – some of the best years of your career.”

O’Neal looks down and nods. When he looks back up, he sees Jackson has pushed the crossword puzzle under O’Neal’s nose. There’s only one blank not yet filled in: a 12-letter space in an Andre Agassi quote: “One of the greatest joys I have now in my career and in my profession is to be playing at an age where I can (BLANK) more than I used to. It’s a whole different lens you look through the older you get.”

“Hmm, 12 letters … what could fit there?” O’Neal says before a class-clown grin begins to creep over his face. “L-O-V-E-S-H-A-Q-S-W-I-T. Love Shaq’s wit more than you used to.”

“No,” Gasol answers quickly and confidently. “Appreciate it. Appreciate it more than you used to.”

snaquille oatmeal wrote:I have always wanted to see an ALL STAR 6th man game instead of the silly celebrity game. east vs west chosen by the assistant coaches and coached by assistant coaches.

Danny Darko wrote:

snaquille oatmeal wrote:I have always wanted to see an ALL STAR 6th man game instead of the silly celebrity game. east vs west chosen by the assistant coaches and coached by assistant coaches.

Yeah that would be awesome compared to the celeb game. Trevor would be there no doubt