Bill Simmons tries too hard

[Slava]

But before we begin, I just want you to know one thing: Kobe Bryant really wants it. He's like a coach out there. He hasn't smiled in two weeks. He has that killer look. He is all business. He really, really, really wants it.

(Sorry, I am contractually obligated to mention that every three minutes during this column as part of Disney's deal with the NBA. Wait, that's not part of the deal? My colleagues are just saying these things of their own volition? Wow. This is awkward. Um ... so ... hey, how 'bout this Finals!)

If you ever want to fluster a Lakers fan, make fun of Bynum's $64 million extension signed in November and ask them if they wish they had a mulligan on that one. You will hear more stammering than you heard for two hours in "Sling Blade."

Kobe draws a touch foul on Mickael Pietrus, gets the call and makes that creepy, super-intense underbite face that nobody ever remembers seeing until about three weeks ago. We don't know where it came from; we don't know how many different faces he practiced in the mirror before settling on this one; we don't know if he pays royalties to Bruce Springsteen. We just know that he really wants this. He really, really wants this.

As Kobe makes the free throws, Mike Breen tells us Kobe wants this really badly, he's like a coach out there, and he has been deadly serious lately. Got it. I keep forgetting.

(But Jeff, Kobe really, really wants this! And he's like a coach out there! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!! By the way, I'm going with "SVG" for Stan and "JVG" for Jeff from this point forward. Please make that note in your scorecards.)

Fifth foul on Bynum, followed by JVG saying, "I'm not sure that's a good thing for Orlando." Sixty-four million, everybody!

Funniest moment of the game: Kobe storms back to the bench, whacks the chair in disgust and sits down as Phil Jackson (already sitting) looks at him with a bemused, "Should I point out to him that MJ absolutely would have passed there?" smile on his face. Classic.

ESPN

Must feel good to be earning a six figure salary writing crap for ESPN in this economy.

[microfib4thewin]

He's always tried to be funny. To his credit, some of his articles(like the SSOL Suns one) are well written. Some others just fails on both the informative and entertainment level.

[Verbal]

HOLY ****.

He gets paid 6 figures for writing!?


I'll have to start accepting donations.

[milesfides]

Well, this guy always hated Kobe and the Lakers. He's a diehard Boston fan, who years ago was assigned to a writing job in L.A. Understandably, he drinks the haterade, because he's a true Boston fan. It's heightened by his being displaced, isolated; he compensates for that by directly and indirectly denigrating the wildly successful franchise that surrounds him.

Unfortunately for Laker fans, he's frequently funny, and puts out a couple good articles a year, and was given an expanded column from ESPN a few years ago. So his slant gets wide exposure.

Of course, his mocking tone and unapologetic bias is incredibly infuriating, but then again, this is incredibly satisfying to all the non-Laker fans in America - and there's many of them. So he gets away with it.

And the controversy is great for espn, because all they care about is the number of hits to drive up advertising profits. They ceased to be objective sports reporting long ago, because sports fans don't want objective, they want to see their opinions validated and articulated in an entertaining way. And again, there are way more Laker haters than Laker fans, so writers like Bill Simmons will always find a forum in the national media.

ESPN used to have Ric Bucher to try to balance it out, but he was quickly dismissed as a Kobe lover and was thus reassigned or marginalized - he no longer has the coverage he once had.

Now they primarily have J.A. Adande try to balance out Hollinger (always selling Kobe and the Lakers short), Chris Sheriden (only article about the Lakers was about how Kobe wasn't a nice guy), Chris Broussourd (once a Cleveland Plain Dealer writer), etc.

And instead of being a homer like the other guys, Adande is actually a fairly objective reporter, who's only guilty of harboring the same national opinions about Kobe. Respects him, but not enamored of him, always skeptical of his character and his game. If I recall correctly, Adande was no different from the rest in putting the blame on Kobe for Shaq's departure, criticizing Kobe for not being able to carry the Lakers further into the playoffs a couple years ago, his opinions of Kobe have always been suspect. But Adande is the only prominent espn writer who's not blatantly denigrating the Lakers, which makes sense because he's assigned to cover them. I guess that's the best we can ask for from BSPN.

[milesfides]

Here's a nice counter by Scoop Jackson, which probably won't be read half as much:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/st ... ortCat=nba

[Flipdog69xxx]

Kobe draws a touch foul on Mickael Pietrus, gets the call and makes that creepy, super-intense underbite face that nobody ever remembers seeing until about three weeks ago. We don't know where it came from; we don't know how many different faces he practiced in the mirror before settling on this one; we don't know if he pays royalties to Bruce Springsteen. We just know that he really wants this. He really, really wants this.

[Erik Eleven]

Bill Russell must be disturbed by the fact that this classless fool claims ties to the Celtics. The creativity and sophistication...

[Tee212]

LOL i love it, ppl like kobe provides them writers job security.

[crazyeights]

This article wasn't his best. When I was reading it I found myself shaking my head, not because he's a Laker-hater (which he is admittedly), but because of his bad pop-culture references. It's a hit and miss league, writing, and this article was not a hit.

8:48: Fifth foul on Bynum, followed by JVG saying, "I'm not sure that's a good thing for Orlando." Sixty-four million, everybody! (Could I be a more bitter Celtics fan who can't stop thinking about how a healthy Celtics team should have gone back to back? No. I couldn't. It has ruined my summer. I am "Mel Gibson's wife after finding out that Mel knocked up his new Russian girlfriend"-level bitter.)

6:28: Kobe steps out of bounds on a high screen followed by JVG calling it "the best turnover I've ever seen." I give up. By the way, every pick by Pau Gasol and Dwight Howard tonight is sponsored by Mayflower Movers.

6:13: Lewis nails a 3, Orlando up by two, timeout, L.A.. That's 27 for Lewis! "The NBA ... where finding new and improved ways to make Seattle fans hate themselves happens."

6:13: From the East Coast to the West Coast ... This is Ourrrrrrrr country. Did Chevy sign a seven-year deal with Mellencamp to annoy America or something? That thing is longer than Erick Dampier's deal.

6:13: I thoroughly enjoy the "Build a better community" charity spots with Balthazar Getty. Any time you can get a former child actor who openly battled drugs and just recently had a much-publicized affair with Sienna Miller even though he has a wife and four kids to ask me to help him "build a better community," I'm there!

In my mind, all of these jokes fail. Wordy, desperate, and unfunny.

Oh well, I don't expect much from a Clippers fan.

[Dr Aki]

HOLY ****.

He gets paid 6 figures for writing!?


I'll have to start accepting donations.

1000.00

[itsvic]

He is too much of a Celtic homer to see anything else beyond the hate for the Lakers. The only article I liked from him was the one of the Celtic season going out the windows because of the Garnett injury. I was loving every minute of the pain he and his dad were feeling when i was reading it.

[BallAboveAll]

Yeah I read this the other night. Seems like a big time hater. I'll pass on his articles from now on.

You shouldn't get paid to write what some casual internet hater could do, and probably do it better.

[amb1ent]

it's still a step up from when every one of his articles followed the same formula

* intro: 80s reference, pop culture (usually entourage) reference
* several references to HIS DAD or HIS FRIEND SULLY and what they think about sports sprinkled into the article
* a thriller reference

[tlifeset]

I've actually been reading Bill for a long time. It's kind of funny ... I don't think true Boston fans really enjoy him all that much either. He's a flavor for a casual sports fan who's fanship mostly consists of hating (presumably on the Lakers and Yankees) and post-season watching. The tone of his writing lends itself to outlandish articles like the one posted above because every one of his takes are filled with histrionics, i.e. this is the worst defense in the history of the finals, this is the greatest game winning shot this decade, if Paul Pierce makes this shot he becomes a top 20 player ever, if he misses his career will be met with scrutiny and shame, etc. When you write like that, you can't really be taken seriously.

Here's the thing though ... he usually does a decent job of caveating his columns, which explains to the reader that he's 1) a bitter boston fan when they lose or overjoyed when they win AND 2) someone that writes from the irrational fan perspective and seeks no insight from players or professional front offices for fear that it might cloud his tremendous subjectivity.

Having said all that, I do think that ESPN needs to balance the ship. This is Los Angeles and there are more successful and great writers out here than anywhere else in the world. The Yankees have their apologists on ESPN, and now that ESPN has moved out west ... they need the Jim Rome of writing ... who can be an entertaining unapologetic fan of west coast teams that has a dedicated following of clever and active readers.

[NetsForce]

He took another couple of shots at Bryant on his twitter or something, something about the Childs vs. Kobe fight... Honestly...

This wack job is bringing the quality of ESPN down. I'm going to draft a letter or something and I think we should all e-mail it to ESPN so the hammer gets brought down hard on him.

He came under fire when enough fans complained about his Celtics man-rape last year so let's see if we can shut this fool of a writer up once and for all.

(Is there really a bigger hater than Bill Simmons? I guess it's somewhat understandable given that he's a Clippers and Celtics fan)

[KennerLeaguer]

Here's a nice counter by Scoop Jackson, which probably won't be read half as much:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/st ... ortCat=nba

That's probably because Scoop hasn't mastered the English language and comes up a bit short in the astute department. Seriously I liked Scoop when he was confinded to Slam magazine but I can't take him seriously as a writer. If you ever read many of his ESPN pieces you would understand why.

[Phil Jackson]

Bill Simmons and that Jordan637 guy are the co-captains of the trying hard team.

[Verbal]

<~ Mr.Nonchalant

[Sedale Threatt]

Scoop Jackson is a clown. I love when he starts his pieces with his own rap verses. Then you see the guy, and he looks like an undersized middle-school English teacher. Like a black, more confident version of Miles from the movie "Sideways." So, so bad...

[Tim_Hardawayy]

Scoop Jackson is a joke, and a racist.

Bill Simmons can be too much of a homer at times, but if you can handle that, the rest is usually quite funny. I don't know why people take him so seriously and then criticize him for it. He writes to entertain, not to inform.