The Kelly File - The Kelly Olynyk and the Kamloops Sound Machine Episode
Posted: Sat Oct 28, 2017 1:03 am
Canadian Pacific Air Lines, Beaver Lumber, Eaton's and Union Bank of Halifax present an accumulation of news stories about The Kelly Olynyk.
Move over Philip Michael Thomas, you are not the most famous person in Florida now. Your name may be comprised of only first names, but that still doesn't make you better than The Kelly Olynyk.
It only took Olynyk 5 minutes to do more than Gordon did in the entire 2017-18 season. A third of the price, 4,000 times the greatness.
Olynyk has to get used to many strange ideas and circumstances in Miami. For some Celtics games, the fans were given shirts, badges or bobbleheads. The season-opener in Miami, the first 100 fans received a free small mirror and short straw.
Kelly Olynyk met Flo Rida the other day. Despite spending many years in the New England area, he never met Ma Ssachusetts He did see Pa Ssachusetts shopping at the Shaw's supermarket in Braintree. He was buying fruit.
Justise Winslow announced to the Heat team that Rodney MacGyver was injured and would see a doctor. Okaro White asked, "Which doctor?" The Kelly Olynyk replied, "Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang."
Olynyk has the power of a billion suns, like the Miami Heat logo which is odd as they don't play in Phoenix. Olynyk is like a Super Nova Scotia.
The Kelly Olynyk is bringing skills to Florida that have not been seen since Antoine Walker. Quick to the point, to the point pump faking, cooking opposing centers like a pound of bacon. Burning them if they're not quick and nimble.
Gonzalo "Papi" LeBatard personally thanked The Kelly Olynyk for denying the Cavs and LeBron a championship. Gonzalo "Papi" LeBatard bought Olynyk a pair of shoes for $6 and a banana phone for $9.
In Canada, although Void in Quebec, Gordon is known as TKOTKO. Few have been as selfish as Gordon, who was like a distant relative who was invited to visit but when he got there he pushed out four children from the house. The Killer Of The Kelly Olynyk. Mickey, Avery, Demetrius, more wonderful lads who were sent out into the cold, scary night because Gordon wanted to be like Kobe. No, worse than that, he wanted to be Carmelo.
According to Dennis Rodman, and something that Isiah Thomas agrees with, The Kelly Olynyk makes Bobby Portis look like Mother Theresa.
They made a movie called Invasion USA, where foreigners invaded Miami. Only Chuck Norris could save them. The Kelly Olynyk has now arrived in Miami, and a few ungrateful locals, probably Tampa Bay Lightning fans, asked Chuck Norris to remove Olynyk from Florida. Chuck Norris walked up to The Kelly Olynyk, bowed down before him, and passed the torch of greatness to Olynyk, the same torch that Steve McQueen had passed to Norris many decades before.
The Kelly Olynyk has been signed to film the movie sequel to Cool As Ice. It is expected to be the best movie of 2018, and, as they say, anything less than the best is a felony.
Who is better, Olynyk or "The Greek Fork" Giannis Antetokounmpo? When the games are important, skills and strength rise above the others, and Olynyk is much better in those games, the playoffs. FG%, Olynyk with 49% to 47%. True Shooting %, Olynyk 57.4% to 51.1%. Offensive Rating, Olynyk is 6 points ahead. Steals per minute, the same. Assists per minute, Olynyk slightly better. Blocks per minute, Antetokounmpo slightly ahead. Turnovers per minute, the same. Three Point % during the regular season, 37% for Olynyk, 28% for the overrated Greek bricklayer.
The Kelly Olynyk is the most famous person to arrive in Miami from a foreign country. Juan Ponce de Leon is second on that list. The Kelly Olynyk is the most famous person in Miami ever. Juan Ponce de Leon is second on that list, no, he is third. Number two, Philip Michael Thomas.
The most ironic thing is irony. Nobody visited people in New England hospitals more than The Kelly Olynyk. Selfish Gordon wanted every cent he could get, and chased Olynyk out of town. If Gordon had been a nicer person, right now he could be getting a visit from The Kelly Olynyk in hospital.
When you see a chance, take it. The City of Miami has changed the name of the Wynwood trolley route to that of The Olynyk. Wynwood Walls will be soon demolished, and in its place will be chain-link fences covered with the face of The Kelly Olynyk, as has been done successfully in Kamloops, BC.
Kelly Olynyk is a very smart player. Marcus Smart is not a very Olynyk player.
Olynyk and Claudia Romani hosted a USO event in Jacksonville last week. Olynyk thanked everyone for all they have done. Claudia Romani only thanked The Kelly Olynyk.
Danny Ainge insulted Pat Riley in 1984. Pat Riley signed superstar free agent Kelly Olynyk in 2017. Game, Set, Match: Pat Riley.
Olynyk can often be seen driving along A1A Beachfront Avenue, near where he lives. He goes rolling in his 5.0, with his ragtop down so his hair can blow.
Olynyk has amazing abilitites. The current leader, among qualified players, on his team for 3 point percentage. In a loss to the Spurs, the only player on his team with a plus in +/-. Among his team-leaders for rebounds, assists, steals, 3s made.
The Kelly Olynyk had a choice to make, to live next to the near canal or the far one in Miami. He chose the near canal.
Goran Dragic had this to say to Slovenian TV after witnessing the unique game of Olynyk, "Check it, bleed. Bro was on. Didn't trip, but the coaches was freaking, Man. Hey, and the Hawks were laid to the bone, Homes. So Olynyk hammered out and jammed jet ship. Tightened that bad sucker inside the runway like a mother."
Marco Rubio ran up to The Kelly Olynyk, introduced himself and pleaded for an autograph. Olynyk told him, "I thought you were traded to Utah".
Miami University offered The Kelly Olynyk a doctorate. He said he wasn't going to be a prisoner of Love and go to Ohio to collect it. The University of Miami wanted to give him a meaningless honorary doctorate, but Olynyk said he would just do the courses and earn it, so he is now officially Dr. Beat. He beats Kevin Love, he beats everyone. People used to say that the "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You", but now people are warned that "The Kelly Olynyk Is Gonna Get You".
Intermission!
The Lennon Sisters sing a song dedicated to Danny Ainge, written for Danny Ainge, describing Danny Ainge.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I like living on the water, like Jim Rockford or The Beachcombers, but my new neighbors are strange. One said he "imports 10,000 Keys a week" and the other one said he "imports 25,000 Keys a month", why isn't anyone importing locks?
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I bought this plane from Jeb Bush, so I can fly to Kamloops whenever I want to. It smells like guacamole.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I enjoy playing Rock-Paper-Scissors with my new teammates. Well, I think they are on my team. Where is Phil Pressey?
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I wear this shirt so the locals here think I am a local.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I was always better than Horford. I taught him how to play basketball the right way, and the only thing he taught me was this.
Intermission!
Game 7.
Unbeatable, when a team is blessed by the blessing of The Kelly Olynyk it is unbeatable.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I told Bell Biv DeVoe they needed to release a new album, and they did. Then we played some basketball, and we won.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
When I signed my contract it was to play basketball. When Gordon signed his contract, it was to sell his soul as he also agreed to extradite me.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
As it was in New England, and all of Canada but Void in Quebec, my jersey is now the fastest-selling in all of Florida. Even more popular than Tebow.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Don't know who Scot is. They are really all Kelly's, except the two dorky ones.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Half of Kamloops is moving to Miami.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I can't believe he signed a bigger contract than I did.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
It is taking time to get used to this new place. Where I am from, we wear footwear.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
He told me he was Papi from Highly Questionable. He lied.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I am wearing number 9 because the Heat, and all NBA teams, are going to retire number 41.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I remember when the Boston-area 7-11 refused to give me a free slurpee.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I still have not forgotten that time the Boston-area 7-11 refused to give me a free slurpee, on free slurpee day.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Gordon, and Oubre, this is what I think of you.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
So after he introduces me I start yelling about "not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight".
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I may be tall but I am not your father. Dwight Howard probably is.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Jaylen Brown can't dribble one basketball, but I can dribble two.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Brady and Marky Mark got most of the modelling work in New England, but only because I let them. In Miami, I am the biggest thing since Razor Ramon, except much bigger. Hey. Yo.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Gordon spent the offseason throwing me, and others, under a bus, out of town. Gordon also spent the offseason eating salad and writing stories about himself. Me, just like Game 7, all I did in the offseason was win basketball games.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Most Canadians want to tear this down and replace it with a statue of me. Silly Canadians, they can keep this and just build my deserved statue somewhere else, in a better part of town, or preferably in one of the nine better provinces.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Did anyone notice I wore my Celtics hat with my Miami Heat shirt?
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Gordon thinks he is better than me? Worth three times what I am? He got a walking boot, I got a signature shoe.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Couldn't even win a Super Bowl. I go from Tom Brady, to this? Oh well, at least it's better than Cam Newton or Blake Bortles.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I feel sorry for all the children in New England. Due to the selfishness of someone from Utah, and the mismanagement of someone from Utah, and the poor scouting and roster construction of someone from Utah, the children of New England miss out.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I hope my millions, and millions, of fans don't burn my millions of jerseys, to give my wonderful shirt the Viking funeral it deserves, as that would create smog that would last 41 years. It would make the world uninhabitable, but still more liveable than Toronto.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
"On 7 News, following the jai alai tournament, a disaster has hit Boston. They have Abdul Nader and not The Kelly Olynyk on their roster."
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I like that coat.
What Jordan Mickey was thinking?
China offerd me $6.5million for 20 games, but it is worth more than anything in the world to be on the same team as The Kelly Olynyk.
Sent from a computer with a mouse and a keyboard.
Move over Philip Michael Thomas, you are not the most famous person in Florida now. Your name may be comprised of only first names, but that still doesn't make you better than The Kelly Olynyk.
It only took Olynyk 5 minutes to do more than Gordon did in the entire 2017-18 season. A third of the price, 4,000 times the greatness.
Olynyk has to get used to many strange ideas and circumstances in Miami. For some Celtics games, the fans were given shirts, badges or bobbleheads. The season-opener in Miami, the first 100 fans received a free small mirror and short straw.
Kelly Olynyk met Flo Rida the other day. Despite spending many years in the New England area, he never met Ma Ssachusetts He did see Pa Ssachusetts shopping at the Shaw's supermarket in Braintree. He was buying fruit.
Justise Winslow announced to the Heat team that Rodney MacGyver was injured and would see a doctor. Okaro White asked, "Which doctor?" The Kelly Olynyk replied, "Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang."
Olynyk has the power of a billion suns, like the Miami Heat logo which is odd as they don't play in Phoenix. Olynyk is like a Super Nova Scotia.
The Kelly Olynyk is bringing skills to Florida that have not been seen since Antoine Walker. Quick to the point, to the point pump faking, cooking opposing centers like a pound of bacon. Burning them if they're not quick and nimble.
Gonzalo "Papi" LeBatard personally thanked The Kelly Olynyk for denying the Cavs and LeBron a championship. Gonzalo "Papi" LeBatard bought Olynyk a pair of shoes for $6 and a banana phone for $9.
In Canada, although Void in Quebec, Gordon is known as TKOTKO. Few have been as selfish as Gordon, who was like a distant relative who was invited to visit but when he got there he pushed out four children from the house. The Killer Of The Kelly Olynyk. Mickey, Avery, Demetrius, more wonderful lads who were sent out into the cold, scary night because Gordon wanted to be like Kobe. No, worse than that, he wanted to be Carmelo.
According to Dennis Rodman, and something that Isiah Thomas agrees with, The Kelly Olynyk makes Bobby Portis look like Mother Theresa.
They made a movie called Invasion USA, where foreigners invaded Miami. Only Chuck Norris could save them. The Kelly Olynyk has now arrived in Miami, and a few ungrateful locals, probably Tampa Bay Lightning fans, asked Chuck Norris to remove Olynyk from Florida. Chuck Norris walked up to The Kelly Olynyk, bowed down before him, and passed the torch of greatness to Olynyk, the same torch that Steve McQueen had passed to Norris many decades before.
The Kelly Olynyk has been signed to film the movie sequel to Cool As Ice. It is expected to be the best movie of 2018, and, as they say, anything less than the best is a felony.
Who is better, Olynyk or "The Greek Fork" Giannis Antetokounmpo? When the games are important, skills and strength rise above the others, and Olynyk is much better in those games, the playoffs. FG%, Olynyk with 49% to 47%. True Shooting %, Olynyk 57.4% to 51.1%. Offensive Rating, Olynyk is 6 points ahead. Steals per minute, the same. Assists per minute, Olynyk slightly better. Blocks per minute, Antetokounmpo slightly ahead. Turnovers per minute, the same. Three Point % during the regular season, 37% for Olynyk, 28% for the overrated Greek bricklayer.
The Kelly Olynyk is the most famous person to arrive in Miami from a foreign country. Juan Ponce de Leon is second on that list. The Kelly Olynyk is the most famous person in Miami ever. Juan Ponce de Leon is second on that list, no, he is third. Number two, Philip Michael Thomas.
The most ironic thing is irony. Nobody visited people in New England hospitals more than The Kelly Olynyk. Selfish Gordon wanted every cent he could get, and chased Olynyk out of town. If Gordon had been a nicer person, right now he could be getting a visit from The Kelly Olynyk in hospital.
When you see a chance, take it. The City of Miami has changed the name of the Wynwood trolley route to that of The Olynyk. Wynwood Walls will be soon demolished, and in its place will be chain-link fences covered with the face of The Kelly Olynyk, as has been done successfully in Kamloops, BC.
Kelly Olynyk is a very smart player. Marcus Smart is not a very Olynyk player.
Olynyk and Claudia Romani hosted a USO event in Jacksonville last week. Olynyk thanked everyone for all they have done. Claudia Romani only thanked The Kelly Olynyk.
Danny Ainge insulted Pat Riley in 1984. Pat Riley signed superstar free agent Kelly Olynyk in 2017. Game, Set, Match: Pat Riley.
Olynyk can often be seen driving along A1A Beachfront Avenue, near where he lives. He goes rolling in his 5.0, with his ragtop down so his hair can blow.
Olynyk has amazing abilitites. The current leader, among qualified players, on his team for 3 point percentage. In a loss to the Spurs, the only player on his team with a plus in +/-. Among his team-leaders for rebounds, assists, steals, 3s made.
The Kelly Olynyk had a choice to make, to live next to the near canal or the far one in Miami. He chose the near canal.
Goran Dragic had this to say to Slovenian TV after witnessing the unique game of Olynyk, "Check it, bleed. Bro was on. Didn't trip, but the coaches was freaking, Man. Hey, and the Hawks were laid to the bone, Homes. So Olynyk hammered out and jammed jet ship. Tightened that bad sucker inside the runway like a mother."
Marco Rubio ran up to The Kelly Olynyk, introduced himself and pleaded for an autograph. Olynyk told him, "I thought you were traded to Utah".
Miami University offered The Kelly Olynyk a doctorate. He said he wasn't going to be a prisoner of Love and go to Ohio to collect it. The University of Miami wanted to give him a meaningless honorary doctorate, but Olynyk said he would just do the courses and earn it, so he is now officially Dr. Beat. He beats Kevin Love, he beats everyone. People used to say that the "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You", but now people are warned that "The Kelly Olynyk Is Gonna Get You".
Intermission!
The Lennon Sisters sing a song dedicated to Danny Ainge, written for Danny Ainge, describing Danny Ainge.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I like living on the water, like Jim Rockford or The Beachcombers, but my new neighbors are strange. One said he "imports 10,000 Keys a week" and the other one said he "imports 25,000 Keys a month", why isn't anyone importing locks?
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I bought this plane from Jeb Bush, so I can fly to Kamloops whenever I want to. It smells like guacamole.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I enjoy playing Rock-Paper-Scissors with my new teammates. Well, I think they are on my team. Where is Phil Pressey?
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I wear this shirt so the locals here think I am a local.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I was always better than Horford. I taught him how to play basketball the right way, and the only thing he taught me was this.
Intermission!
Game 7.
Unbeatable, when a team is blessed by the blessing of The Kelly Olynyk it is unbeatable.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I told Bell Biv DeVoe they needed to release a new album, and they did. Then we played some basketball, and we won.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
When I signed my contract it was to play basketball. When Gordon signed his contract, it was to sell his soul as he also agreed to extradite me.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
As it was in New England, and all of Canada but Void in Quebec, my jersey is now the fastest-selling in all of Florida. Even more popular than Tebow.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Don't know who Scot is. They are really all Kelly's, except the two dorky ones.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Half of Kamloops is moving to Miami.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I can't believe he signed a bigger contract than I did.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
It is taking time to get used to this new place. Where I am from, we wear footwear.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
He told me he was Papi from Highly Questionable. He lied.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I am wearing number 9 because the Heat, and all NBA teams, are going to retire number 41.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I remember when the Boston-area 7-11 refused to give me a free slurpee.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I still have not forgotten that time the Boston-area 7-11 refused to give me a free slurpee, on free slurpee day.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Gordon, and Oubre, this is what I think of you.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
So after he introduces me I start yelling about "not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight".
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I may be tall but I am not your father. Dwight Howard probably is.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Jaylen Brown can't dribble one basketball, but I can dribble two.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Brady and Marky Mark got most of the modelling work in New England, but only because I let them. In Miami, I am the biggest thing since Razor Ramon, except much bigger. Hey. Yo.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Gordon spent the offseason throwing me, and others, under a bus, out of town. Gordon also spent the offseason eating salad and writing stories about himself. Me, just like Game 7, all I did in the offseason was win basketball games.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Most Canadians want to tear this down and replace it with a statue of me. Silly Canadians, they can keep this and just build my deserved statue somewhere else, in a better part of town, or preferably in one of the nine better provinces.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Did anyone notice I wore my Celtics hat with my Miami Heat shirt?
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Gordon thinks he is better than me? Worth three times what I am? He got a walking boot, I got a signature shoe.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
Couldn't even win a Super Bowl. I go from Tom Brady, to this? Oh well, at least it's better than Cam Newton or Blake Bortles.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I feel sorry for all the children in New England. Due to the selfishness of someone from Utah, and the mismanagement of someone from Utah, and the poor scouting and roster construction of someone from Utah, the children of New England miss out.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I hope my millions, and millions, of fans don't burn my millions of jerseys, to give my wonderful shirt the Viking funeral it deserves, as that would create smog that would last 41 years. It would make the world uninhabitable, but still more liveable than Toronto.
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
"On 7 News, following the jai alai tournament, a disaster has hit Boston. They have Abdul Nader and not The Kelly Olynyk on their roster."
What The Kelly Olynyk was thinking.
I like that coat.
What Jordan Mickey was thinking?
China offerd me $6.5million for 20 games, but it is worth more than anything in the world to be on the same team as The Kelly Olynyk.
Sent from a computer with a mouse and a keyboard.
