Q: What are the rules governing free-agent fans? Most of my fellow Sonics buddies will be taking their loyalties to the Blazers, but I say that's bandwagon hopping, what with the prospect of them being really good next season. What guidelines should a free-agent fan use when selecting a new team?
-- Jonathan C., Walla Walla, Wash.
SG: Tragically, I've been getting this question dozens of times per week from the Seattle, New York and Milwaukee areas. We covered the finding-a-new-team rules in 2002 during my "20 Rules of Being a True Fan" opus (scroll down to No. 19), but that column desperately needs to be updated (and even partially rewritten to reflect the fact I eventually violated two of those rules after the Red Sox and Patriots became more successful than I ever imagined). Regardless, I'd say three rules from Section 19 could be applied to the current Sonics-Bucks-Knicks situation. Here are those excerpts again:
The owner of your favorite team treated his fans so egregiously over the years that you couldn't take it anymore -- you would rather not follow them at all than support a franchise with this owner in charge. Just for the record, I reached this point with the Boston Bruins about six years ago. When it happens, you have two options: You can either renounce that team and pick someone else, or you can pretend they're dead, like you're a grieving widow. That's what I do. I'm an NHL widow. I don't even want to date another team.
Bucks fans are nearing this point because they're so frustrated with 20 years of forgettable, irrelevant teams (save for the 2001 playoff run) and the lack of accountability of owner Herb Kohl (who has a rare talent for hiring horrible GMs and horrible coaches). Clearly, something needs to happen for them -- for God's sake, when your team has a home game when they re-retire Brian Winters' number at halftime (this actually happened), you know something has gone terribly, terribly wrong. They also have an ace in the hole that many other NBA cities don't have -- they can divert their basketball attention to two perennially successful college teams (Marquette and Wisconsin) and maybe even switch NBA allegiances to the Bulls, who only play 90 minutes away and were never considered a "rival" of the Bucks, anyway.
Q: Bill, I am a pothead. Most days I sit around my apartment, getting stoned and wondering where life might take me that day. I have no daily purpose, other than eating and expelling bodily fluids. I have been a devout Bucks follower for years, so you can understand my complete lack of enthusiasm for anything Bucks related. You becoming Bucks GM could literally change my life, give it a purpose. Where do I send my application to be your assistant? I'll get you coffee in the morning and beer in the early afternoon. Just let me know Bill and make the Bucks relevant again. Milwaukee is way to0 great of a town to be subjected to apathetic sports management.
-- Cory, Madison, Wis.
SG: See? That's what I'm talking about. Cory from Madison might need to either find a new team or declare himself an NBA widow.
Alright, which one of you is Cory in Madison?
Q: If you take over the Bucks, you need to draft Kevin Love and convince him to wear No. 69. You can't possible deny that a Love 69 jersey wouldn't be the No. 1 selling NBA jersey of all time, right? Ladies and Gentlemen, the new GM of the Milwaukee Bucks ... Bill Simmons ... YES WE CAN!!!
-- James, Calgary
SG: See, these are the moments when it's a bummer that my Bucks' campaign never got going. I could have put this on my platform and everything: "Promise No. 27 -- we're going to draft Kevin Love and make him wear No. 69." With the Love/69 gimmick, his Color Me Badd beard and his dumpy physique, K-Love would have had every female's heart in Milwaukee fluttering. They wouldn't know whether they'd want to cheer him, make out with him or cook him a brat. Now we'll never know. But seriously, Milwaukee, enjoy Doug Collins, Billy King or Keenan Ivory Paxson as your next GM. Best of luck with that.
