So it's 4am and I'm sitting here with nothing better to do than write this stupid little story about my last couple days. I couldn't give a sh#t if you believe me or not. It's not really that exciting, but it beats sitting here (no pun intended) with my dick in my hand waiting to fall asleep. If you actually read all the way through, then I assume you also have nothing better to do. Hope you enjoy.
So last week I met some blonde at a bar and talked for literally five minutes. I got her number and bounced to the next place, but we maintained constant text banter over the weekend and ultimately agreed to grab a drink after work on Wednesday (at 5pm).
So at 3:30 pm I start getting texts saying, "do you want to take a raincheck because of the weather?" This is right before the ice and snow really hit. (I don't live in NY). Eventually it turns out that my car gets stuck at the bottom of a hill in the *****ing ice storm. So I text her saying, sorry my car is stuck maybe a raincheck would be a good idea.
I get the following text back (and I'm quoting):
"I'm all stocked up on champagne, wine and snacks. Why don't you just come here?
"
So I'm no dumbass. In five minutes, I've hopped the last cab in the world to the subway and jump on a train to where she lives. I trudge through about a half mile of blizzard (while helping a random civic out of a ditch), find a gas station store, buy condoms, and then head up to her place. It's now like 6pm Wednesday.
I'm in the apartment of a girl I don't know who's 28 years old, maybe a 7.5 or 8, unemployed, has a law degree, drives a Beamer, dies her hair blonde, and has a decent figure. Turns out she's a spoiled daddy's girl. Anyway, so she pops some champagne, prepares this elaborate plate of snacks (chips, grapes, guacamole, bagette, and cheese), and we sit on the couch and start watching TV.
At first the local news with all the snow emergency stories, then American Idol with Steven Tyler's creepy ass, then finally she downloads some romantic comedy from her Wii. "The Ugly Truth" with some blonde and Gerard Butler from 700. Not a bad flick, actually.
Anyway, so one thing leads to another and we end up banging it out all night in her bed. But it's super late, I'm 32 years old, drunk, tired, and just can't finish it off with the damn condoms (three of them). Eventually we fall asleep, and then bang it out again in the morning.
Same problem. Can't finish with the condoms. We have a little talk, turns out she's off the pill right now because of an interaction with another med she's taking for high blood pressure. Then she goes, hold on "I think I have some spermicide under my sink." I'm like, what is this 1982? What the **** is spermicide? I mean I know what it is, but how does this work exactly. She explains that you just put the bottle up your vag and it shoots a bunch of goo up there that kills sperm. I'm like... Ok, sign me up.
So she disappears into the bathroom for like ten solid minutes. (She looked amazing naked walking to the bathroom.) I should probably describe her, huh? Blonde, green eyes, 5'2, 105 lbs. She had a butt, which I love. She also had remarkably perky tits with redder than normal nipples, not small, but not really big either. Her skin was really fair, so she had all kinds of freckles and beauty marks. Anyway.
So when she finally comes out of the bathroom, she says "I couldn't find it. I guess I threw it out." And I'm like ****. .Then she goes, how about a little Astroglide. She leans over, opens the drawer of her bedside table and pulls out a small bottle of lube.
Commence Handy J. Squeezer. H-Jay. Use your imagination.
Afterwards, we fall back asleep for another few hours. I wake up, go down on her (I was feeling grateful), and then hit the shower. As I'm in the shower, she goes to the kitchen in nothing but her panties, a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, and these Old Navy slipper-boots to prepare brunch.
Brunch is complete with Mimosas and make-your-own sandwiches from Balduci's. I had chicken salad with avocado and provolone. Side of Kettle-Cooked chips and grapes. *****ing delicious. After brunch, she drives me in her Beamer to the subway and I head home. Not bad for a first date.
Now that's just part one of the story. Here's part two. [Edit: Still talking about the same girl.]
So I met this girl because my buddy was hitting on her. My buddy is a party promoter (31 years old and gainfully employed, yet loves this ****), and he invited her to a big party Friday night (tonight--last night, whatever) at a local club for a bigass joint birthday. Before leaving her apartment Thursday, we discuss it and she wants to go. Great.
So I get to the club tonight (last night?) and all my friends are there. A thousand girls are there, and it's packed. My ex-girlfriend is also there, but that's another story.
So around 11:30 this girl texts me that she's on her way and wants to know if I can get her and her friends a table so it's ready when she arrives. I'm like, sure. So I set it up, she arrives with two girlfriends (mildly hot) and they go to their table. I'm just drinking Miller Lite, but they order a bottle of Kettle One with all the juices and tonics and bull, and everybody's happy.
But I get bored and end up doing the rounds saying hi to all my friends and dancing with girls and chatting people up, etc. When I get back to her table, I sit down and we start chatting. I guess as soon as I sat down another friend of mine (a girl) came over and starting chatting me up. This girl is my good friend, Vickie, who's basically engaged and would never in a million years hook up with me.
And here's where the drama commences. So the blonde leans in to Vickie's face and says something like, "Excuse me, but this is my table and I don't remember inviting you to sit with us." Vickie immediately apologizes, gets up and walks away.
Then the blonde gives me this speech, and I quote:
"Motherf*cker, I don't know who the f*ck you think you are, but I'm the hottest girl in this club and you're being a complete ass. There's something called manners, and you're being completely rude. My friends think that..."
At this point I kind of tuned it out, so I can't quote anymore. But basically she lectured me on how her friends thought I was a jackass. Then this dude who was talking to her girlfriend interrupts, gets in my face and says: "Where are all your other ladies?"
At this point, I probably should have gone all Purlpe Drank on his ass, but I just said, "Hi, we haven't met. My name is "cgmw" and I appreciate that your trying to protect her, but this is really none of your business."
I turned back to the girl and said something along the lines of:
"Look, I apologize for being inconsiderate. I honestly didn't realize that you were at all unhappy or that I had done anything wrong. I'm here to have a good time and visit with my friends, and I was looking forward to hanging out with you. I agree that you're beautiful and deserve all the attention in the world, but I can see this is obviously not going to work. In my opinion, you just completely overreacted, caused a lot of unnecessary drama, and dragged your friends into something that was really none of their business. I'm going to go back and hang out with my friends now, I hope you guys have a good night."
And I peaced out.
I wish I had something juicy to tell you about the rest of the evening. I did end up driving my ex-GF home because she was being needy and sad, but we didn't f*ck. Had we f*cked, I wouldn't be writing this ridiculous post. The reason we didn't f*ck is probably because my d*ck is still sore from six condoms, ten minutes of Astroglide, and a 24 hour f*ckfest of a 1st date Wednesday.
Sitting here alone in my apartment, my only regret is that I didn't enjoy hanging out with my friends more tonight. This blonde clearly has too much drama and insecurity. Beyond boning me in the first 10 minutes of knowing each other, she clearly has issues. Insecurity is such a relationship killer.
Oh well. Hope you enjoyed my 30 minutes of typing at 4am while drunk. Let's go Knicks. Zzzzzzzzzz.
-Jitpal
