OT: Going through my first big breakup

[Mecca]

Hey Mecca, once you start working for the NBA, women will be falling all over you.

Started last month! Thank you though Wingo.

[HarthorneWingo]

Hey Mecca, once you start working for the NBA, women will be falling all over you.

Started last month! Thank you though Wingo.

Congrats! That's great.

I know what going through this shyt is like. It sucks. I know you're burdened by it now. Just give it time.

[Capn'O]

Here's my final thought on the matter. Greenie's right that she was opening the door for return but in my view the relationship was lost after the concert saying you loved her before she acknowledged she was in the wrong for blaming you about the phone. Mrs. 'O still tests me from time to time but you can't dissolve those disputes where you're disrespected with love. Gotta stand firm (ideally calm too but I can't always hold to that) or you won't be happy with the results. I made this misstep a LOT when I was younger.

Doesn't matter the color or even the type of relationship. Only a certain type of dude can get called out over and over like that without acknowledgement of fault and just take it and I don't think you want to be that dude. That precedent gets established early.

[AmazingJason]

I think the best way to look at that situation is to look at yourself. You are responsible for this whole situation. You only found yourself in that situation because of your own decisions. The issue seems to be your lack of experience and immaturity, which is absolutely normal. You're only 24. I know I wasn't ready to handle a serious long term relationship at that age, in fact I had my heart broken for the first time around that age.

To be more specific - and correct me if I'm wrong - the problem seems to be be that you don't know what you want or don't want. You're unsure of yourself in this relationship with regards to her behavior and you don't know where or how to draw the line. That's why - and I'm not justifying this attitude either - she feels she can get away with disrespecting you. If you really knew you would not tolerate insults or play games, she would have stopped doing that long ago. If the line is very clear in both of your minds and she still oversteps the line, then run. Maybe this break-up will bring the opportunity to establish these boundaries.

Maybe she's not the right one. Or maybe you need to take a break, think hard about what you want from this relationship and what you can do to make it better, communicate clearly how you feel and then see if it's worth giving it another shot (if you still have feelings by then).

Also, regarding your first post, it's not up to you to say whether or not you're a good boyfriend. Bringing up your good deeds whenever you get criticized (which you admitted) also makes you look like a narcissistic a**hole with an overinflated ego. I was guilty of this a lot as well, so I'm not dissing you. But it is possible (probable?) your behavior might have been insulting to her in some situations as well, which, again, doesn't justify her abuse but could help explain it. Giving her this "option" through text - to me - is disrespectful as well, and to expect a positive response from it is a little delusional in my opinion. What I'm trying to say is, it seems like you also need to check yourself, which will help you for this relationship should it continue or the next.

There's so much good advice in this post:

1. It doesn't matter what her faults her, what bad things she did, what her bad behavior was, how crazy she was. To get over this and move on, you will need to accept 100% responsibility for your choice to be with her, the decisions you made in the relationship, how you handled communication with her. Once you do that, you will be able to learn. You will look back on this experience, and realize you made a number of errors and you will have gleamed insights that will serve you in future relationships. But it's really important to truly believe that it's all your fault, even if she did horrific things to you.

2. You're still so young, so this will change as you age, but you should be able to write down on a piece of paper exactly what you're looking for in a partner and a relationship. The character traits of your partner, her interests, how she looks like, how she acts...the vision of what it will be like when you're together. What activities will you do together on a weeknight? On a weekend? On a vacation? What will your future look like? What are your mutually shared goals?

From this list, you can figure out your true few deal-breakers. And finally you can figure out the person you have to be to have this partner and this relationship.

3. Also agree with the final point. Don't be defensive. As a general rule, never complain, criticize or condemn. You will never win and it is a sign of weakness. Even if it's thrown your way, you can never be that if you want to be the masculine one in the relationship (versus her feminine). You will still do it sometimes, particularly in fights or arguments, but this must be minimized at all costs, and cannot show up in everyday life.

As you get more relationship experience, what you'll realize - particularly as a guy - is that you will need to know you want and be strong, clear, patient and calm when you express that...and you will simultaneously have to balance that skill with understanding your partner, how she expresses her love/how she wants to receive love, and what exactly she needs at a given moment...whether that is comfort, thrill, significance, connection, progress, contribution...a gift, to be touched, an act of service/kindness, words of affirmation, quality time. She will - more often than not - not tell you what she wants. You need to be able to either figure it out, or sit down to have a discussion that you can patiently direct till you get at the root issue.

[MaseInYourFace]

There's definitely a window here for some bonkers sex. The question is, is it worth it though? I'd tend to lean no on this one from what's been talked about in this thread. Too many games with this one and honestly most men ain't cut out to play these kind of games with a capable woman. For most men the better approach is to stay above the fray.

[Paija]

When I was young and testing my first boyfriend, I told him that I wanted to break up. He was wise at the time and gave me what I wanted - begged to give it another chance. I wanted him to "fight for our relationship" or some such nonsense.
I was also 15 at the time and my expectations on relationships was based off romance novels (insert facepalm picture here, cannot find one), so it can be explained by immaturity.
So sometimes, if a girl says she wants to break up, it may mean that she wants you to vehemently oppose.

I am by no means suggesting that you must go back to her, but sometimes girls say one thing, but mean the opposite, at the same time expecting the boy to guess what they really meant and then be very surprised that he could not. It takes time for girls to learn that men must be told as exactly as possible, if you want something. Some never learn.

[MadGrinch]

Honestly I see a guy who was not in a serious relationship , but he got serious and she didn't ...also while you may go out with many different types of girls , black women in general do not date outside their race . after 4-5 months you both should have had numerous discussions about what both wanted out of a relationship, dropping the L word when 1 person isn't ready nor wants to hear it is a sign of poor communication, so while you post there were no issues , i doubt her answer would be the same if asked.

she may have needed more time to ease into that and acclimate that with her life and the different attitudes she was going to experience (family and such, it may not have been a big deal for you , but could have been huge for her.) so that is the probable reason

that could explain why the plantation joke went so sideways, it was probably nothing to you , but she may be still dealing with the issue dating outside her race so to her it wasn't small.

in addition she is immature , name calling is not a healthy way to argue , its disrespectful and if you cant respect the person you are in a relationship with , it has no future.although she may do that as a sort of test , the 1st time she did it , you should have put an end to that sort of behavior , an accident is one thing , but it kept happening every time she got upset with you and to be honest some people are cool with name calling , but if you aren't and its out of bounds with that you should have dealt with it when it happened. its technically abusive and can lead to worse things.

and by not dealing with it when it happened you kind of put out there you aren't ready either (if you won't stand up for yourself , how are you gonna stand up for her if she needs you?)

and to clear something up , blocking her on social media but then to observe her through snapchat is kind of a dick move , I understand anxiety issue can make us do unwise things but you say you want to be friends and then almost immediately act as an enemy would , thinking only of yourself, it comes off on her end as creepy if not controlling. if you actually still wanted to be friends blocking her is unnecessary , its unlikely she would have an issue with you watching her on snap , if she had equal access to you.

its your 1st big relationship and most breakups are handled poorly regardless of their number or how long the relationship , so really all you can do is learn you can only try to do better next time...but there is a common theme in what her issues with you and that is communication, you may want to keep that in mind for future relationships, you don't want to continue to make the same mistakes .

i wish you and your friend well.

[Greenie]

When I was young and testing my first boyfriend, I told him that I wanted to break up. He was wise at the time and gave me what I wanted - begged to give it another chance. I wanted him to "fight for our relationship" or some such nonsense.
I was also 15 at the time and my expectations on relationships was based off romance novels (insert facepalm picture here, cannot find one), so it can be explained by immaturity.
So sometimes, if a girl says she wants to break up, it may mean that she wants you to vehemently oppose.

I am by no means suggesting that you must go back to her, but sometimes girls say one thing, but mean the opposite, at the same time expecting the boy to guess what they really meant and then be very surprised that he could not. It takes time for girls to learn that men must be told as exactly as possible, if you want something. Some never learn.

True.

[Jeff Van Gully]

run, dude. she want that thuggin love. that ain't you, and that's fine.

you know them stressful relationships that age people mad fast? that's what she bout, mane.

Nah. She wants him.

yeah. but she wants him the hard way. i was never wit that.

[Knicksfan20]

If she playing games just ignore her. **** all this playing games back and forth bull ****. IF she gunna test u and play games, then show her you about your business. Nothing makes a girl more mad then no response, no reaction. Its hard not to blow up at her, but keep it silent and its going to drive her crazy.

U want respect from her, demand it. Otherwise she gunna keep talking down to you. You a man, not a dog. Remember that ****.


People in here talking like this is normal because she is black. There is a difference between having attitude and being toxic. This woman sounds toxic. Doesnt matter the skin tone, we are all human beings. Once she treats you otherwise thats when you get out. Let her treat you like a dog, then you just gunna be her lil bitch until she is done with you. Be the man and walk away, and she will come chasing after you...And if she doesnt, then she was never worth it.

[JohnWillow]

Don't mind me, I'm just here to take notes.

[Kampuchea]

People in here talking like this is normal because she is black. There is a difference between having attitude and being toxic. This woman sounds toxic. Doesnt matter the skin tone, we are all human beings. Once she treats you otherwise thats when you get out. Let her treat you like a dog, then you just gunna be her lil bitch until she is done with you. Be the man and walk away, and she will come chasing after you...And if she doesnt, then she was never worth it.

Yeah, I don't like they keep saying that about black women.

I've dated black women before and not seen this disrespect. Last was a woman who lived most her life in Togo Africa, she lived in Harlem when I dated her. Started a company and was networking here, never saw her acting like that.

I think it's more about age than race. My first GF long term was a bit crazy and she was not black, she was mix Puerto Rican. It was about her age. Another was white, she was a bartender and was a bit crazy as well. She complained directly to me that I did not fight with her enough. And I dated Indian, Japanese, Chinese, Russian, African, Puerto Rican, etc...some crazy some not.

Moral is that the potential to be crazy is mostly tied to age, not race. That's why I say to wait to get tied down.

[IllmaticHandler]

This woman sounds toxic.

How do you know she toxic ,cause Mecca said so?

Imma keep it buck. Dude sounds like the chick, that is butt hurt that will paint the man as the worst cat in the world cause she mad.

I honestly dont think he stand up on this situation. So I will be careful in taking what he says on face value. This mofo could be the toxic one. The fact that he even used that "plantation" schit shows he is unaware.

[JohnWillow]

But for real, I would like to be part of this conversation and give my thoughts about this, but I feel like I would not make sense, because I could not explain everything what I'm trying to say.

So just in a short story I can say, even I can see she is testing you, it's not a rocket science... Mecca you a good man, but you either quit or show her what she is waiting for, that you are the man for her.

Does this not work again this time? Then she can go kick rocks.

I can say this from my experience, because that's what happened with my girlfriend and me two years ago, she was just testing me... and now everything is great between us, we just needed that one time to truly show each other, that it can happen and we care for each other.

P.S.

And the funny thing is back then she was bothered that I have not seen her parents too at that time since we were dating previously for 3 months before the arguments, so I said to myself and her- I'm gonna change and as soon as possible gonna go see her parents, and at the end it was the best decision I made then.

[Mecca]

This woman sounds toxic.

How do you know she toxic ,cause Mecca said so?

Imma keep it buck. Dude sounds like the chick, that is butt hurt that will paint the man as the worst cat in the world cause she mad.

I honestly dont think he stand up on this situation. So I will be careful in taking what he says on face value. This mofo could be the toxic one. The fact that he even used that "plantation" schit shows he is unaware.

If I was painting the story one sided, I wouldn’t have brought that up. I dead thought the word plantation had other contexts. Now I know how you feel about me Ill. Best of luck to you.

[MaseInYourFace]

People in here talking like this is normal because she is black. There is a difference between having attitude and being toxic. This woman sounds toxic. Doesnt matter the skin tone, we are all human beings. Once she treats you otherwise thats when you get out. Let her treat you like a dog, then you just gunna be her lil bitch until she is done with you. Be the man and walk away, and she will come chasing after you...And if she doesnt, then she was never worth it.

Yeah, I don't like they keep saying that about black women.

I've dated black women before and not seen this disrespect. Last was a woman who lived most her life in Togo Africa, she lived in Harlem when I dated her. Started a company and was networking here, never saw her acting like that.

I think it's more about age than race. My first GF long term was a bit crazy and she was not black, she was mix Puerto Rican. It was about her age. Another was white, she was a bartender and was a bit crazy as well. She complained directly to me that I did not fight with her enough. And I dated Indian, Japanese, Chinese, Russian, African, Puerto Rican, etc...some crazy some not.

Moral is that the potential to be crazy is mostly tied to age, not race. That's why I say to wait to get tied down.

I think they are specifically referring to Black American women from the inner city. But yeah a bit too much generalizing going on. Every individual is different although you might notice certain cultural tendencies. I've dated black women before with some of these issues, others absolutely no problem. I'm Latino mixed race full disclosure.

[Mecca]

If she playing games just ignore her. **** all this playing games back and forth bull ****. IF she gunna test u and play games, then show her you about your business. Nothing makes a girl more mad then no response, no reaction. Its hard not to blow up at her, but keep it silent and its going to drive her crazy.

U want respect from her, demand it. Otherwise she gunna keep talking down to you. You a man, not a dog. Remember that ****.


People in here talking like this is normal because she is black. There is a difference between having attitude and being toxic. This woman sounds toxic. Doesnt matter the skin tone, we are all human beings. Once she treats you otherwise thats when you get out. Let her treat you like a dog, then you just gunna be her lil bitch until she is done with you. Be the man and walk away, and she will come chasing after you...And if she doesnt, then she was never worth it.

Yeah, I don’t get how actions are getting justified because of race. She’s also told me she has a twin brother in a relationship with a white woman of 7 years, a kid together, and he constantly puts her down and demeans her, and name calls her toxically. That hit me last night. That she’s the same as her twin.

[IllmaticHandler]

This woman sounds toxic.

How do you know she toxic ,cause Mecca said so?

Imma keep it buck. Dude sounds like the chick, that is butt hurt that will paint the man as the worst cat in the world cause she mad.

I honestly dont think he stand up on this situation. So I will be careful in taking what he says on face value. This mofo could be the toxic one. The fact that he even used that "plantation" schit shows he is unaware.

If I was painting the story one sided, I wouldn’t have brought that up. I dead thought the word plantation had other contexts. Now I know how you feel about me Ill. Best of luck to you.

My dude I been the same schit you met me on here. straight shooter. I ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS. Why you acting like its new?

You mad that I dont think you panting an accurate picture of it? Im just keeping it a buck. Im not the only one who has said it.

Look at you....You really are twinkie filling man. Ready to crumble. ""Best of luck to you" You said this same schit before. But I bet you wont look at the times I defended your ass neither on this board. "Now I know how you feel about me Ill"

I dead thought the word plantation had other contexts

Did I say anything otherwise?

shows he is unaware.

Let me guess in your sensitive world....That means I called you racist....

[Mecca]

How do you know she toxic ,cause Mecca said so?

Imma keep it buck. Dude sounds like the chick, that is butt hurt that will paint the man as the worst cat in the world cause she mad.

I honestly dont think he stand up on this situation. So I will be careful in taking what he says on face value. This mofo could be the toxic one. The fact that he even used that "plantation" schit shows he is unaware.

If I was painting the story one sided, I wouldn’t have brought that up. I dead thought the word plantation had other contexts. Now I know how you feel about me Ill. Best of luck to you.

My dude I been the same schit you met me on here. straight shooter. I ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS. Why you acting like its new?

You mad that I dont think you panting an accurate picture of it? Im just keeping it a buck. Im not the only one who has said it.

Look at you....You really are twinkie filling man. Ready to crumble. ""Best of luck to you" You said this same schit before. But I bet you wont look at the times I defended your ass neither on this board. "Now I know how you feel about me Ill"

I dead thought the word plantation had other contexts

Did I say anything otherwise?

shows he is unaware.

Let me guess in your sensitive world....That means I called you racist....

No, you think I’m being fugazzi about the story.

I kept it as duel sided as possible. You can’t believe it because it sounds so 1 sided.

[Phish Tank]

Mecca, if I was in your spot, take some of the key advice from the first few pages in this thread, think about it, absorb it, and move on with the situation.

I didn't think this thread would go past 3 pages but it's reaching 15 soon.

Outside of a few posts here and there, the last 10+ pages have turned into entertainment. I'm more of a private person, but some of what you said you should have probably kept to yourself. The more you tell everyone what happened, the more people are going to make things worse for you unfortunately.

I'd take a break from this and meditate for a long while. Once you get done from the meditation, then self reflect and just keep it movin