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True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons)

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Re: True story, swear to gawd... 

Post#21 » by greendale » Thu Dec 18, 2008 7:31 pm

I had a similar experience on a golf course. Hawks are indeed large and menacing creatures. Even if I were fond of squirrels there was no way I was going to attempt to rescue that squirrel from that hawk.

Another time I came across a young buck eating fruit off a crab apple tree (located between the fairways of numbers one and two on Greendale for those of you who are familiar with it). I decided to see how close I could get to the deer before scaring it off. When I was about 30 yards away, the buck started snorting and pawing the ground without actually looking directly at me. The scare-er became the scare-ee and I quickly began opening range.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... 

Post#22 » by dandridge 10 » Thu Dec 18, 2008 10:33 pm

Ok, here's some funny and true fishing stories from my annual trip to Minnesota with my three best friends.

One year, I was casting topwater lures at night with my buddy while drinking a few beers. When I casted out my lure towards the shoreline, I suddenly felt my line change direction in mid air and go parallel accross the water before hitting the water. I turned to my buddy and said, "my frickin line just felt like it changed direction in mid air. He replied, "your smashed man." I reeled up my line and then threw my lure again towards the shoreline. Again, it felt like my lure changed directions and was flying parallel to the shore line above the water. This time I pullled back on the rod like I had hooked a fished. All of a sudden, we heard this huge "kerplash" in the water and I felt something on my lure. I started reeling the line in and felt weight on it. When we got the lure close to the boot, I saw a huge ball of feathers in the water. All of a sudden the ball of feathers went crazy, splashing in the water, and scaring the crap out of us. It then got off my lure and flew away. We then looked up in the trees with our flashlight, we saw the biggest frickin' owl I have ever seen wet and looking down at us. It was at least 3 feet tall. The resort owners later told me it was probably a Great Grey Owl, one of the largest in North American and pretty rare. They are also apparently very mean. It must of thought my lure was a large insect or bat.

Another great story is when I took my best friend fishing up there for the first time. We were casting artificial lures when I turned to my friend and asked him if he wanted to "drown some worms instead" (i.e., fish with worms). He said yes and I turned around to tie a bait hook on my line. I then looked up and saw my friend throwing the bucket of worms overboard into the lake. I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "I thought you said you wanted to drown the worms." To this day, 15 years later, we still make fun of him for that day. Whenever we say something like, "I have to take a crap", we explain to him that it is not meant to be taken literally.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#23 » by barelyawake » Mon Apr 5, 2010 4:50 pm

A'ight I got a ton of good stories to throw in here. But, so as not to waste all my best stories in one shot, I'll just tell the three most recent. I'm not going to attempt to pen a masterpiece. Just here to jot down some good stories.

So, I'm in this strip club in Wyoming trading tales with this 24 year old hottie. I tell her all my diehard romantic stories from my past (as I tend to do), and she comes back with a journal of her lovelife. This is the saddest love history I've ever heard. It's almost comically tragic. So, this chick has had three boyfriends in her entire life. The first doesn't count because it was just adolescent puppy love. The second she was in high school, and they got married at seventeen. They had a kid. While she was in the hospital pregnant, he cheated on her. Now, you must first know that this girl was thrown out of her house at age ten by her mother and told to go live with her father. So, the two didn't have a good relationship, and barely spoke, despite living a few miles away. So, her husband cheats on her. She's so distraught that she yearns for the comfort of her mother. So, she resolves to make-up with her mother and comes crying to her mother's doorstep. She breaks down and bawls on her mom's shoulder about her wayward husband. Mom replies, "Well, I've been meaning to tell you this. Your husband stopped by her last week, and one thing lead to another..." Husband cheated on her with her mother. It gets worse. The next boyfriend also gets her pregnant. He cheats on her... with her thirteen year old sister. Gets her pregnant. Then, he skips town to avoid the paternity test. Next stop, Jerry Springer...
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#24 » by dobrojim » Mon Apr 5, 2010 5:31 pm

Those are pretty good BA, can't top them.

The story of my first marriage is pretty complicated though.
My part as the sap is pretty simple but the rest of it is WAY
complicated.

Of the top of my head, one of our fav stories (me and my camping buds)
is about the time we went to this place in WV somebody told us about.
Well I think we musta got a little buzzed on the way there and stopped
for our final grocery supplies in Winchester before going to our spot. It was
well after dark when we got there and set up tents and started about in
earnest to get the BIG buzz. After a while we had accomplished this
and it being the first night of the mission we stayed up a bit late. The funny
thing was the next morning when someone noticed that several of the
empty bottles in the back of the truck were NA beer. Naturally, ever since
then the person responsible for that purchase gets reminded of it on a regular
basis.

Same group with a few extra characters 8-10 years later on our winter
camping mission to Assateague Island. The usual campground (bayside)
where we normally camp was closed and we had to camp in the Oceanside
area. This would be fine except it being winter, we like to have pretty big
fires and ground fires aren't allowed in the Oceanside sites. So having brought
lotsa wood to burn we decided to have a fire on the beach even though it
was a lot of work to haul all that wood over there. So we had our pretty big fire
on the beach. It all went well until one of the guys was standing too close to
the fire and his clothes (pants) caught on fire. He was quickly extinguished
with no major damage by one of the more sober among us. The funny part of
the story was that the 2 guys who had known the one that caught on fire
were walking back to the campsite when it happened (to get more beers)
and missed all the excitement. That and the the guy that caught on fire
had been trash talking politics previously the whole time, and the guy that
extinguished him was his polar opposite on politics. So they both got grief about
whether the rescue was really deserved. But the 2 guys who missed the
whole incident were really bummed about it.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#25 » by barelyawake » Mon Apr 5, 2010 6:58 pm

Good stuff, Jim. Speaking of drinking stories leads me to my next set. So, I'm chatting up this stripper in Ohio. We sit trading barbs about our blacking out experiences. I tell her the one about beach week. So, growing up in this area, you've probably all experienced beach week -- where everyone gangs together and rents rooms in Virginia beach for a week. So, I'm at beach week and my band plays a gig. And I decide to do one of the dumbest things I've ever done -- I beer bong an entire bottle of vodka on stage. Needless to say, I could barely walk. So, my friend lugs me back to my hotel room and lays me down. Tells me to sleep it off. He explains that they are going for ribs around the corner, and he asks if he should pick me up anything. I mumble to get me a slab. I lay my head down in the pillow and watch him walk out. But, I can't get comfortable, so I turn over. I rest my eyes for a second, still can't find a comfy spot, so I turn back over. And I see my friend come back in. I query what he's doing back. I thought you all said you were going out for ribs. He literally falls over laughing. I'm vexed, so I ask him what is so funny. He explains crying with laughter, "Dude, that was a day and a half ago. You've been down to the beach. We went to a party together. You gave some old lady a lap dance on the bus. You don't remember any of that?" Nope...

So, I tell the cute one this story, and she comes back with this one. One night, it was just an average wednesday eve, she couldn't sleep. She hadn't done any drinking or anything, just spent the eve watching movies. So, since she couldn't sleep, she popped an ambien. It worked, and she finally got to sleep. Next morning, she races to her kitchen sink vomiting. She keeps throwing up which was puzzling to her, especially so since it tasted like beer. And she hadn't drank anything. She walks out to her living room, and lined up on the dining room table are twelve, empty beer bottles. Her boyfriend calls and he asks, "What the he'll was up with you last night?" She again is lost because she hadn't heard from him all night. He explains, "I called you last night, and you kept saying that I had to heard this song which you then played ten times in a row." So, the conclusion was that his phone call awoke her in this ambien haze, and she started what amounts to sleep-drinking. The kicker is that she goes into her bathroom and for some reason she had emptied all the change from her change jar and pasted quarters all over the walls.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#26 » by dobrojim » Mon Apr 5, 2010 7:04 pm

I'm (generally) a whole bunch safer when I drink now.

Chuggin yard glasses of beer inbetween cups of trash-can punch
the night I graduated (college) didn't end well.
A lot of what we call 'thought' is just mental activity
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#27 » by barelyawake » Mon Apr 5, 2010 7:25 pm

Of course. Of course. My blackout days have long since past. But, they do make for funny tales. Like the one time, another beach week, I was making out with a gal in her hotel room. We are getting into it and I blackout. I finally snap back into reality and I'm standing on the beach. We're both naked and I'm pulling my pants on. No clue where I am or how I got there. And she's screaming at me, "FINE, go back to Dana (an exgirlfriend)."
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#28 » by fishercob » Mon Apr 5, 2010 9:01 pm

barely, I've heard enough crazy ambien stories that I'd never touch the stuff. That's just insane.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#29 » by doclinkin » Mon Apr 5, 2010 9:33 pm

fishercob wrote:barely, I've heard enough crazy ambien stories that I'd never touch the stuff. That's just insane.


Yeah I don't let mrs doc take ambien without adult supervision. She'll insist she just needs to drive to the supermarket for some pudding, standing in the living room wearing a nightie plus crocs.

First time she took it she wanted to write something down in a notebook before she went to sleep. I peeked in a couple hours later she was still sitting upright with the pen in her mouth staring at the paper like she was thinking deeply. Had to pluck the pen from her hand and tuck her in tight like a baby girl. She does get all cozy and extra huggable though.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#30 » by fishercob » Mon Apr 5, 2010 10:04 pm

doclinkin wrote:
fishercob wrote:barely, I've heard enough crazy ambien stories that I'd never touch the stuff. That's just insane.


Yeah I don't let mrs doc take ambien without adult supervision. She'll insist she just needs to drive to the supermarket for some pudding, standing in the living room wearing a nightie plus crocs.

First time she took it she wanted to write something down in a notebook before she went to sleep. I peeked in a couple hours later she was still sitting upright with the pen in her mouth staring at the paper like she was thinking deeply. Had to pluck the pen from her hand and tuck her in tight like a baby girl. She does get all cozy and extra huggable though.


Perfectly apropos that you'd be in a prolific doclinkinny phase and I caught the fencing duel in Princess Bride this weekend.

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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#31 » by doclinkin » Mon Apr 5, 2010 11:24 pm

fishercob wrote:Who are you, doc? I must know...


Just some dude on the internet, dude.

True story, scared the crap outta me:

I was at my place of work this weekend, I just clicked on the speeddial on the computer to open up the Sports Bog. A voice says "Can you tell me where the bathroom is?".

Dan Stein-Bog in the flesh.

I'm thinking: holy shxt these computers are getting more and more advanced. How many terabytes does it take to get a 'digital-to-flesh' printer to work? Good thing they block porn or this place would have some serious bandwidth issues.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#32 » by Chocolate City Jordanaire » Tue Apr 6, 2010 5:28 am

barelyawake wrote:A'ight I got a ton of good stories to throw in here. But, so as not to waste all my best stories in one shot, I'll just tell the three most recent. I'm not going to attempt to pen a masterpiece. Just here to jot down some good stories.

So, I'm in this strip club in Wyoming trading tales with this 24 year old hottie. I tell her all my diehard romantic stories from my past (as I tend to do), and she comes back with a journal of her lovelife. This is the saddest love history I've ever heard. It's almost comically tragic. So, this chick has had three boyfriends in her entire life. The first doesn't count because it was just adolescent puppy love. The second she was in high school, and they got married at seventeen. They had a kid. While she was in the hospital pregnant, he cheated on her. Now, you must first know that this girl was thrown out of her house at age ten by her mother and told to go live with her father. So, the two didn't have a good relationship, and barely spoke, despite living a few miles away. So, her husband cheats on her. She's so distraught that she yearns for the comfort of her mother. So, she resolves to make-up with her mother and comes crying to her mother's doorstep. She breaks down and bawls on her mom's shoulder about her wayward husband. Mom replies, "Well, I've been meaning to tell you this. Your husband stopped by her last week, and one thing lead to another..." Husband cheated on her with her mother. It gets worse. The next boyfriend also gets her pregnant. He cheats on her... with her thirteen year old sister. Gets her pregnant. Then, he skips town to avoid the paternity test. Next stop, Jerry Springer...


ba, sounds a bit like my story. My first two loves were sisters. Without ever meaning to have a complicated life, I've had some situations and circumstances that would probably make for a memorable Springer episode.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#33 » by barelyawake » Tue Apr 6, 2010 12:23 pm

Tell the tale, ccj.

Well, my final most recent story happened in L.A. And I'm a little hesitant to tell it, mainly because I want to turn it into a sundance film short. My computer fried the day before yesterday, so forgive the iPhone grammar.

So, I'm booked into this plush hotel in L.A. that acts as a pilot's resort -- has it's own private airstrip. And this pilot and I are both hitting on this bartender -- taking turns taking her outside for a smoke. Come to find out she's Johnny Carson's granddaughter. So, the pilot and I strike up a conversation, mostly to scope out the competition for this bartender, and we hit it off so well we ditch the girl and setup outside trading stories over Jack and cokes.

This guy looks forty, but he reveals that he's actually sixty some. So, after I tell him my Dubai stories, he comes back with the story of why he became a pilot. So, he grewup in segregated Atlanta. And as a sheltered, suburban, white kid, he had no idea about racism. He's five. And he sees a set of water fountains in the park -- one labeled white, the other colored. And being five, his mind processes that the "colored" fountain must come out like rainbows. So, he turns the knob, but the water comes out clear. And he's miffed. What a jip. The water was supposed to be rainbowlike.

So, he grabs some twentysomething yokel passing by, and shows him that the fountain is broken. Look no rainbows. The hick doesn't get the five year old mind, so he starts yelling at the kid, "What are you making fun of our traditions? You sassin' your elders, boy?" The kid is lost. He just wants the rainbow water. Cop wanders by. He sees these two arguing. He asks what's the hubbub. Kid shows the cop, "See it's just plain water." Hick says, "This kid is makin fun of us..." The kid doesn't relent, so the cop takes him out back and beats his ass.

Kid comes home and mom asks where the bruises are from. Kid lies. And he still doesn't understand. No one has explained where the rainbow water went. So, it's become a mission. He sneaks back to the water fountain the next day, and crawls on his belly through poison ivy following the pipes that lead to the two water fountains. Eventually, he discovers that both lines meet up, and both come from the same main pipe -- using the same water source. And that's how he found out what racism is. And that's when he resolved to become a pilot to leave Atlanta and never come back.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#34 » by dobrojim » Tue Apr 6, 2010 2:32 pm

re Johnny Carson - I went to summer camp in 1967 at a camp in Maine.
Johnny Carson's son Cory (iirc) was an attendee there that same year.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#35 » by barelyawake » Wed Apr 7, 2010 1:55 pm

A'ight I lied. I got a couple more -- hoping to inspire some return stories since I'm a story junkie. Again, forgive the iPhone grammar.

So, I'm in Louisville. And I'm with this stripper at breakfast. We had spent the night together, and now we're trading paranormal stories over waffles. I tell her that I have no clue about the afterlife, but I've had two paranormal things happen to me in my life. I just realized I've told my paranormal story here in another thread before. It was a shared dream. So, I'll skip it. She retorts with hers.

So, she's working as a night nurse and her hall is the room 230 - 240 block. And the hall is empty except for an old lady in 235 (who is a dnr -- do no resuscitate). Room 234 sits just opposite 235. So, she's at the front desk filling out paperwork and the emergency light for 234 flickers on. That's odd. There's no one in 234. So, she figures a janitor must have bumped into the button. And you have to walk down to the room and manually turn the light off. So, she wanders down and flips the light off. She makes her way back to her station and returns to her forms. And the light for 234 goes off again. This time, she's like, "Ok, who's pulling the prank? Very cute." A little miffed, she hikes back down and turns 234's light off. She's leaving the room, and 234's light goes off again. She pivots to turn it off and her eyes happen upon the lady in 235. Her breathing indicates she's in the last moments of life. So, the nurse rushes over and holds the woman's hand. The old lady takes three more breaths and passes. And the light never went on the rest of the night.

The next she said she never tells because people react by thinking she's crazy. So, she's working as a nurse, and there's this woman with exceptionally long grey hair in the room next to her patient. She strolls by her room one afternnon, and peeks in to see the lady's husband sitting at her bedside and lovingly stroking his hands through her flowing hair. The moment was so touching, it stuck with the nurse as she went about her day. Next day, she gets assigned to the old woman. She comes into her room, and sees a picture of the husband and wife on the nightstand. She comments, "Oh, there's your husband." The old woman replies, "Yes. He died three years ago, but I always feel he's with me." Nurse drops her clipboard and slowly backs out, choking as she manages to get out, "Im certain he is."
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#36 » by daSwami » Wed Apr 7, 2010 7:26 pm

Not sure this qualifies as a "story" per se, as it lacks the requisite narrative arc, but its the most interesting thing I've seen all week, so I'll relate it here.

For the past 6 months or so I've held a part-time gig as a "personal assistant," which mostly involves my helping elderly and/or disabled folks do things that they can't do for themselves. One of my regular clients is, Buck, a 71-year-old schizophrenic man who lives in an assistant living facility near Leesburg. Ask Buck where he's from and he'll tell you that he grew up 5,000 miles south of Waterford on a planet called Neptune. He'll also likes to talk about his years in the military. And--get this!--Buck fought in World Wars one, two, and three! I don't have the heart nor inclination to express any doubt vis a vis his biographical claims. I see him 3x/week for a couple hours at a time. Mostly, I take him shopping for groceries (or "supplies," as he calls them), then we sit on the sun porch talking about the weather as he chain smokes Marlboro reds and coughs into his fist. He's an altogether affable guy who just enjoys having a buddy to chat with (I'm not sure if he even realizes that I'm being paid by the hour to sit with him. Apparently a family trust has been set up to pay for Buck's long-term care.)

So anyway today. Today we were on the front porch, Buck was smoking I was sitting enjoying the warm sun. The air is sweet with the scent of flowers. Several large bumblebees wage war over a purple-flowered rhododendron a few feet to our left. A lone bee buzzes away from the pack and hovers a few inches in front of my face. I don't like bees so I wave it away. Buck chuckles. Soon the bee is back and this time its buzzing about a foot from Buck's face. Buck wields his cigarette like a tiny sword, and pokes the bee from the air and onto the ground where it lay writhing awaiting the sweet embrace of death. I blinked at Buck and asked "did you really just kill that bee with the cherry of your cigarette?"

Buck nodded yes as he squashed the injured bee beneath his shoe, and that's when I noticed that the ground beneath Buck's chair was littered with dead bees. Hundreds of them. No wonder he made it look so easy, Buck is a bee-killing machine and this is the front lines of WW3.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#37 » by barelyawake » Wed Apr 7, 2010 11:07 pm

Love the depiction, swami. Keep it comin'. Enjoying this thread.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#38 » by doclinkin » Wed Nov 2, 2011 10:33 am

Found a hotspot to upload. God bless hippies and their solar power. God bless satellites in their passionless orbit.

Notes from the wasteland. If you're reading this you're doing okay, but if you're in an area that hasn't been hit yet, well maybe you need to know these things:

Here's the thing, more than anything you need a place to sleep. Everything else is negotiable. Food, water, human companionship, compassion, all of these things can put you in some dangerous decision points, you've got to be willing to say: not today. Next time. I'll circle back.

But sleep will come on you whether you want it or not. And entering sleep deficit shaves percentage points off your ability to make those other decisions. Here's a few lessons learned:

If a car has gas and you have more than one exit point, you're alright to nap there for a time. Depends on if you found it (better) or drove it there in the first place (could be bad). If you drove it, your window of opportunity for that catnap is limited, depends on the congestion ratio. You got to calculate: How many maybe heard you? How many saw you ride past, how long ago was it that you passed an area of population density. And are there any other distractions to run interference for you between then and now. Once you're moving in a car, it's best to keep moving. But then, you create your own probability wake of trouble behind you.

Thing is, simply driving past a handful is enough to start a cascade mob. Remember, the me-too behavior of human groups is instinctive. Remember back before it all, in big cities? If you had a group of any three people on a street corner looking up shading their eyes, suddenly you could start a crowd gathering to see what was happening. Is someone jumping? That basic troop instinct is hardwired since we left the treeline and started loping bipedal in the wide open savannah: when you can't think of what to do, do what the guy in front of you does. Those basic monkey-drives are late to decay. And that's a problem for you.

What it means is: if you start one guy walking, spark one small spark of I dunno, curiosity, then just that single domino is enough to topple a pile of them in your direction. Flocking. Dynamics of large group motion. Mob rule. Monkey see monkey do. Nobody got to tell them "simon says". The more far gone they are, the more likely they'll group up to move, and the less likely they'll get distracted along the way.

Let's say you're driving past a city on an empty road, if you're lucky to find a clear path. With no sound interference anymore, that sound travels for miles: tires on an empty road. I used to have an apartment near the highway, that white noise, that rush of traffic night in night out rainy days especially, it's hypnotic, comforting, cured insomnia and kept the rent cheap. A trade-off for pollution and heavy metals in the air. The things we used to worry about.

But now, unless it's summer, with the damn cicadas giving cover, you can hear a car moving from a mile off. I get two immediate reactions: joy, there's survivors, humanity continues for a while; and terror: the rot mob is gonna be mobile, go the other way...

Anyway, average walking speed is 4 miles an hour nevermind the trotters and hunt-sprinters, they're usually alert enough to get distracted. But for the shamblers, figure a 2 mile diameter circle of sound, if you can average 20 miles per hour around swerves and wrecks and logjams-- after settling in and making sure, you get about a 4 hour nap after passing any population center. Then you have to move again. Don't get cozy. If you drove in, at some point you'll have to drive again. It's like an addiction. Feels comfortable, but comfort is death.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#39 » by doclinkin » Wed Nov 2, 2011 10:53 am

Now if you break into a car you have a few options. A standard utility van isn't bad, though if you start it you'll burn gas pretty quick, and it has no 4WD, and your visibility is reduced. Ideally you want one with a roof vent though, you need an option to escape if you get surrounded. Park under a fire escape in an alley or under a tree, if the tree gets you anywhere (next to a house say. to shinny into a 2nd story). Anyway, a van has few windows, which is good and bad, but commonly the rear windows are reinforced. So if you want a pillbox it's pretty good. Defensible.

Personally I like an SUV. Especially with tinted windows, drug dealer dark. I want to be able to see out and not be seen, and to go over anything that stands in my way. Incidentally, never try to drive over more than 4 bodies at once, even with All-wheel drive. If you're blocked by 6 or more, reverse course. I prefer to park in the center of a parking lot, at a stadium. This tends to keep you far away from any real population center, with good sightlines. Most people never walked to a stadium so there's no residual muscle memory groove to funnel the mob to you.

For this reason undersold condo complexes are pretty good. Before the housing crisis hit there were a swarm of developments popping up in out-of-the-way places, many of them never received many tenants. Nobody tends to walk 'home' to this sort of place. Okay you may catch a housewife shuffler, or a nanny and toddler swarm-- watch out you don't mistake the latter for the former, pre-school flesheaters hit you at crotch level, often with a running start from under a table. But if you can clear that, you're often okay.

Unless of course you drove in, and started that mob after you.

Thing is: a hastily built condo is a deathtrap in a standoff defense. Most are cul de sac's with one exit in a maze of twisting streets. Any hunt runner will cut off your angles and become a hood ornament hanging onto your windshield wipers once you try to drive out. And drywall makes a terrible barrier against a determined mass. I've seen a motivated mob strip vinyl siding and rip through exterior walls quick as an F4 tornado.

But if you walk in, and you don't use firearms to clear 'em, if you take care of yourself ninja style and keep noise and light discipline, well, you may be able to catch a full 8 hours sleep. Me personally I try to avoid the deep sleep, since, truth is, that's when the nightmares come. Figuratively or literally. Either way.
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DaRealHibachi
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#40 » by DaRealHibachi » Wed Nov 2, 2011 11:25 am

Script for Zombieland 2...??? :lol:
:beer: Magnumt

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