Cigamod Mocks the Draft (Update 6/26!)

[Cigamodnalro]

Welcome men, women, and men-women to my egregious Mocking of the Great Draft of 2008. I have my tarot cards and tortoise shells before me, and my three-nippled assosiate Cleo is on-hand in an advisory capacity. I will, for my first trick, divinate the future. Refresh, Enjoy, and Travel on. Take notes if you want to. There are party-favors at the door.

David Stern comes out in his black matte-lined suit. He coughs for attention. Everyone thinks he looks pretentious. "Welcome to the 2008 NBA Draft," he says. His glasses are fogged. "The Chicago Bulls are on the clock." He sips slowly from his Vitamin Water, and collects $280 endorsement dollars for the act.

Stephen A. Smith, eating Cheese Doodles, is yelling already. The Bulls, Smith says, want Beasley. He thinks they should take Rose. Smith is screaming at everyone and no one.

**01**

With the first pick in the 2008 NBA draft, the Chicago Bulls select Michael Beasley. The Bulls choose Beasley over Derrick Rose for several reasons. Firstly, he is, plain and simple, the best player in the draft. Best-player-available is an admittedly old-fashioned approach, but GMs are increaslingly tired of drawing busts. Rose will not be a bust by any means, but the Bulls play it safe and take the sure thing. Secondly, John Paxson is put off a bit by the spelling of "Derrick." It's not that the spelling is deviant, but with all the Dericks and Dereks and Dirks in the league, he figures that the margin of error is just too great.

**02**

The Camera pans on Pat Riley, who has palmade on the tips of all ten of his fingers. He has gotten some on his shirt. There are GQ photographers on hand. Riley whispers something to a confidante, and then looks the camera full-on. With the second pick in the 2008 NBA draft, the Miami Heat select-------OJ MAYO. Riley wants a trade here. He really does. He'd rather have Beasley than Rose, and he'd trade Rose off if he could find a convenient partner. But he doesn't. Mayo fits well with Dwyane Wade, and he looks ecstatic to go #2. The Camera shows Rose, who is sipping frantically at his Sprite.

**03**

With the third pick in the NBA Draft, the Minnesota New-Logo's select Derrick Rose. Point Guard isn't a pressing issue for the Wolves, but they don't pass on Rose. Analysts predict that a trade is in the works, more to come later. Rose puts down his Sprite and picks up his hat. He looks goofy.

**04**

The Sonics are on the clock. Someone sneezes. JaVale McGee's mom intercepts a microphone and tells the crowd that the Sonics should take her son. There is wide applause. The analysts laugh at her. David Stern comes out and his glasses are fogged again. His shirt is rumpled, and he looks throughly depressed. He tries his best to smile. With the Fourth pick, he smiles, the Seattle-Oklahoma City-St. Louis Sonics select Jerryd Bayless. Jerryd spells his name funny, but Presti don't care. He's all about being unconventional. Bayless fits in with Durant and Green, and he comes with special tornado-resistant armor. Everyone is happy.

**05**

With the fifth pick in the 2008 NBA draft, them Memphis Blues select Brooke Lopez. If former team president Jerry West taught GM Chris Wallace anything, it's that guys with girls' names *always* succeed in the NBA. This is universal. It is The Truth. And so Wallace takes Brooke, who shares a name with his youngest daughter. The Grizz need Big, and Brooke Lopez promises to be like Cherokee Parks on steroids. Or at least better than Kwame Brown. Lopez, wearing a royal blue suit, bounds up the stage to greet Stern. They hold eye contact for the pose.

**06**

The New York Knicks select Kevin Love. "THEY'RE NOT KEEPING THIS PICK," Smith screams. "They. Are. Not. Keeping. This. Pick. He looks angry. He sprays Cheese Doodles at whoever is unfortunate enough to sit beside him. Love puts on a Knicks cap, and speaks favorably of D'Antoni.

**07**

The Clippers are on the clock. The whole stadium knows they're going to screw up. Mrs. McGee is already hugging her son. David Stern comes out and she shoots him a glair. "Say JaVale," she whispers under her breath. She's been drinking. David Stern unbuttons his jacket and buttons it up again.

WIth the seventh pick, the Clippers select Eric Gordon. Fans in Pacers jerseys wave Gordon signs. They are happy for him. Solid pick, the analysts agree.

**08**

With the eighth pick in the NBA Draft, the Milkwaukee Bucks select Anthony Randolph. The Bucks see great potential in Randolph, the GM says. They really like his chances of becoming a Lamar Odom type. The analysts agree that it's all part of a vast conspiracy to continue to deny Yi playing time. The Peoples' Republic of China officially prohibits its citizens from visiting both Louisiana and Wisconsin for the duration of his contract.

**09**

***Stern comes out with his jacket once again unbuttoned. WE HAVE A TRADE TO ANNOUNCE!!! He says. The MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES have traded rights to Derrick Rose to the NEW YORK KNICKS for rights to Kevin Love and a future first round pick. The stadium explodes. Someone flips out of the upper deck and crashes into the seats below. The analysts report that the future pick comes next year, and is completely unprotected. Fans are still cheering as Stern tries to announce the Ninth PIck.***

With the Ninth pick, the Bobcats select Russell Westbrook. Charlotte has had it with small point guards, and not everybody loves Raymond anymore. Larry Brown goes with Westbrook, who fits well into his system. The Indiana fans look forlorn.

**10**

With the tenth pick, the Nets select Danilo Galinari. Stern struggles with his name. Really struggles. The analysts predict the pick, and spend most of the next five minutes showing Euro clips. Stephen A. says that the Knicks should have taken him. He has run out of Doodles and looks even more angry.

**11**

The Pacers are on the clock. Mrs. McGee tells everyone who will listen that her son is better than Jermaine O'Neal. The league realizes that the McGees were never formally invited to the green room.

The pacers select Augustin. Larry Bird loves that he is not as fat as Jamaal Tinsley. It is important to have point guards who are not fat, he says. Augustin feels the invisable hand of Travis Diener close around his larynx as he shakes the commissioner's hand. Both shudder.

**12**

The Sacramento Kings select Roy Hibbert. A reach? Undoubtedly. The Kings are looking for big guys and point guards, however, and they like Hibbert. Hibbert looks pretty in purple.

**13**

The Portland Trail Blazers select Nicholas Batum. There have been other surprises, say the analysts, but this is the first big one. They agree that Batum will probably not come over right away. It is a risk, they say, given his heart issues. Batum looks optimistic during his interview.

**14**

The Golden State Warriors select Joe Alexander. Alexander slipped, but he is a good fit on the Warriors. He is a solid replacement for Pietrus, they all agree. Not the same player at all, but a solid replacement. Stephen A. Smith says that his whiteness helped him get drafted over better players.
Nobody responds.

**15**

With the fifteen pick in the 2008 NBA draft, the Phoenix Mercury select Brandon Rush. Analysts agree that not ALL of the Rush brothers can be busts, and so this must be a solid selection. Rush sounds mature in his interview, even as he is grilled continually about past injuries.

**16**

The 76ers are working the phones heavily, but they hold onto their pick. They select Marreese Speights. Speights is settled into his seat, and really really doesn't want to stand up and walk all the way up to the podium, but he summons the willpower to complete the task. He slumps back in the interview chair and proceeds to tell everyone that all the work ethic and character questions are unfounded. Smith says that Speights couldn't possibly be less motivated than Samuel Dalembert. Speights just yawns.

**17**

The Indiana Pacers select Chris Douglas-Roberts. One of the best players in the country, available at 17, says Bird. "We really lucked out."

**18**

***David Stern clears the phlegm from his throat. We HAVE A TRADE TO ANNOUNCE. The PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS have traded rights to Nicholas Batum to the Indiana Pacers for rights to Chris Douglas-Roberts, a future second round pick, and cash considerations. The crowd doesn't react.***

With the 18th pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Washington Wizards select Darrell Arthur. Wizards are weak in a few areas, but they really need to shore up their frontline. Both Haywood and Thomas are primarily Centers, and so they take a PF. Arthur will be mentored by the aging Antawn Jamison, and will be groomed for the starting spot.

**19**

The Cleveland Cavaliers select Kosta Koufos. Somebody has to replace Big Z, and the Cavs think this is their guy. LeBron rolls his eyes, Dante Green looks dejected, and JaVale McGee looks furious.

**20**

The Charlotte Bobcats select Mario Chalmers. Analysts anticipate a trade.

**21**

This is where Mrs. McGee loses her cool. She throws a slice of Wonder Bread at Donte Greene, who she believes the team will take. Police escort her from the green room. She watches angrily from the top of the lower bowl stairs, with an attendant standing close. The New Jersey Nets select her son. JaVale McGee has a lot of potential, and NJ is set at the other positions. Mrs. McGee is too embarassed to smile.

**22**

The Orlando Magic select Robin Lopez. He is a big guy and a hustler, and the analysts say that the Magic could use help behind Howard. Analysts wonder why the team didn't take Courtney Lee, whom GM Smith was enamored with. Smith is really working the phones now. Lopez looks just like his brother in a hat.

**23**
The Jazz picked behind the Magic several years earlier, and lost their guy Curtis Borchardt to them. Now it happened again, and they are angry. The Jazz use their full five minutes, and approach Stern with their selection. The Utah Jazz select Courtney Lee. Trade. Everybody knows it.

Donte Greene is the only one left in the Green room. This is the subject of many jokes.

**24**

The Sonics select DeAndre Jordan. Another slider, and another low risk high reward pick for the Sonics. If he ever develops.

***THERE IS A TRADE. The ORLANDO MAGIC have traded the rights to Robin Lopez and a future second round pick to the UTAH JAZZ for the rights to Courtney Lee and Draft Pick #44. ***

**25**

The Rockets need a SG, and most of them are gone. They take a gamble here. The Houston Rockets take the high-flying Bill Walker out of K. State. In addition to having one of the best verticals in the league, Walker is a perennial member of the Nascar-Driver-Names club. The crowd cheers. People like dunks.

**26**

The San Antonio Spurs select Serge Ibaka. Popovich is on camera, and says Ibaka will be a star in the NBA eventually, and that it will be several seasons before he comes over. Typical Spurs pick. Analysts look bored. They are talking about the Bill Engvall show.

**27**

The Portland Trailblazers select Donte Greene. He looks tremendously relieved. He says he will play with a chip on his shoulder and will benefit from all the talented guys around him. Analysts say he'll be stuck at the bottom of the depth chart all year. Smith says, "Without trying to be negative, this guy's going to bust"

**28**

The Memphis Grizzlies select Alex Aijinca. Analysts debate whether his arms are as long as Chris Bosh's neck. Meanwhile, he fondles Cheryl Miller from across the stadium.

**29**

The Detroit Pistons select Goran Dragic. . Analysts hypothesize that Billups will either be gone or in a reduced role next year. They talk about the team's terrific confidence in Stuckey. Dumars says Dragic is a diamond in the rough. He struggles with english in his interview. The crew makes fun of him.

**30**

The Boston Celtics select Kyle Weaver. Stephen A. Smith says he's just like Doug Christie. Smith looks like an idiot. It's pick 30 though, so no one much cares.



It's round two now, and Stern takes off his jacket. He's sweating everywhere. It is puddled on the floor by the podium, and you can see the grey of his armpits through his shirt. He says goodnight. A tall, timid man takes his place at the podium. He is some assistant or other. There are only two minutes between selections, he announces. He sounds like an accountant. And then, as if by divine providence, the cable goes out. It's not local and it's not just one channel. It's everywhere. Round two will not be televised. Sitting in a dark studio, one analyst says that with Tiger out for the year, America doesn't need cable. He has rolled up his sleeves. Another blames Obama and global conservation efforts, and he's promptly called racist. Stephen A. has found another bag of Cheesy Doodles in the dark. He crunches loudly. And with Cleo's third nipple pressed squarely up against my cheek, I feel compelled to sign off. Good day, sirs. Good night and good luck.

[BigSlam]

A fantastic and entertaining read!!

Well done.

[Ribalding]

I feel qualified, as someone who routinely fails at creating humor, to say without a doubt that this is the post of the year on RealGM.

Hilarious.

I think I'll ride my bike around your block and sautee one of your pets. Consider it an homage.

[Bensational]

wow dude. really good writing. that was an awesome piece. i thought i'd get bored and skim it, but i didn't do that once. had a good laugh too.

biggest laugh for me came from

Stephen A. Smith says that his whiteness helped him get drafted over better players.
Nobody responds.

you should get Real GM to post it as an article. PM Howard Mass or someone. that's definitely article worthy.

[No More Lottery]

I haven't had the chance to write many reviews, threads, or comments since my initial discovery of Realgm in 2005, but I would have to say this has been by far the most enjoyable reads to date by a fellow poster. Absolutely hilarious and definitely spot on in regards to Stephen A's mannerisms, comments, and complete disregard for anything remotely politically correct

[Fire BK]

interesting stuff, bro.

but you're trippin with those top 3.

[Wade2k6]

If Beasley goes #1, you can bet Riley will take Rose

If Rose goes #1, I'm pretty sure Beasley will go #2 either way. Beasley is just too good to not take him. Whether they keep him is a different story. They can move down a spot or two and select Mayo while getting value for him. Either way, I see Beasley going #2 whether Miami trades Beasley or not is another story.

Mayo will most likely be #3 or #4 pick.

[Cigamodnalro]

If Beasley goes #1, you can bet Riley will take Rose

If Rose goes #1, I'm pretty sure Beasley will go #2 either way. Beasley is just too good to not take him. Whether they keep him is a different story. They can move down a spot or two and select Mayo while getting value for him. Either way, I see Beasley going #2 whether Miami trades Beasley or not is another story.

Mayo will most likely be #3 or #4 pick.

Magic 8 Ball tells me otherwise. I like your logic, but it's not magic.

[Th3TrueDynesty]

that was definitely entertaining

[thegreatblaze]

Blazers don't have the 20th pick, Bobcats do. We have the 27th. And I doubt we take Batum that high. In fact I guarantee we won't.

[Cigamodnalro]

Blazers don't have the 20th pick, Bobcats do. We have the 27th. And I doubt we take Batum that high. In fact I guarantee we won't.

Blazers will acquire the 20th pick

[vincecarter4pres]

Wow. I know this is old, but I just happened to stumble upon it and man.....

This was milk coming out your nose funny.

You have to do another one of these this June.

[RIPskaterdude]

Where's Jason Thompson?