24 hours with paul silas

[fatlever]

i would have loved to have seen a documentary that featured the last 24 hours of paul silas. Here’s my take…

4PM Silas is sitting on the sofa watch oprah with his wife when the phone rings. after an hour of talking to higgins and MJ, silas agrees to being the new coach, as long as his wife agrees.

5PM silas has to break the news to his wife and tries to sell her on the idea of him coaching again at 67, being gone for days at a time, not sleeping, late nights. She is reluctant to the idea of him coaching due to all the groupies that hound coaches on the road. She makes paul agree to putting his fingers in the air after each time out so she will know he is thinking of her and not one of the cheerleaders. She reminds him of the time she caught him in a hotel room with derrick coleman, vlade divac and 6 hookers from Russia.

6PM silas spends the next hour on the phone with harris teeter explaining to the assistant manager that he needs to cancel his order for the spiral ham he ordered the week before. He will not have time for family and friends this xmas.

8PM silas realizes he has to run practice in the morning for a team in the middle of the season and he doesnt have a playbook or assistants or anything. Silas is having a mild panic attack. He calls Higgins to quit, but Higgins quickly yells “no take backs” and hangs up.

9PM silas drives up and down tyvola looking for the charlotte coliseum. He knows he is getting old, but he thinks its ridiculous that he cant find a giant arena where he coached 10 years earlier. He stops to ask for directions and is told the arena was demolished and that the bobcats play in the new arena downtown.

10PM silas arrives at bobcats arena and meets higgins and some of the scouts. he is shown his new office. silas throws away a voodoo doll that look like augustin, most likely left behind by larry brown. he also trashes a signed poster of Raymond felton that reads “I will miss you larry, your buddy Raymond felton”

11PM silas gets a call on his office phone. the voice on the other end is very deep. The voice says “I am charles Oakley. I am your new assistant”. Paul is confused. He says “charles, um, I didn’t hire anyone yet” the deep voice replies “I SAID I AM YOUR NEW ASSISTANT” and then the voice hangs up.

1AM silas is scribbling plays on a yellow legal pad. "play 1 - give ball to fast guy and make him do that dunkie thing”. play 2 - give ball to tall guy and make him do that shootie thing"

3AM silas is watching film of the team's last few games, he dozes off a few times due to the sheer boredom of the playing style. higgins (who sleeps under his desk at the arena) wakes up and brings silas a fresh pot of coffee. Higgins crawls back under his desk and goes back to sleep.

5AM silas curls up on the couch in the locker room and takes a quick nap. he dreams he is being chased by a mean dog and his legs start trying to run, then suddenly he is falling off a cliff. silas wakes up covered in sweat. thank god it is just a dream.

6AM silas goes to bojangles and orders 2 fine ham biscuits. he is hoping the guy running the window will recognize him and ask for his autograph, but it doesn't happen. the worker is latino and only follows soccer.

7AM silas' wife shows up at the arena with a snazzy new outfit for his big day.

8AM dj is first to arrive at the arena. paul sticks out his hand to greet him but dj goes right past the handshake and gives silas a huge hug. dj looks up with a big smile and says "i swear i can play coach. Please don’t yell at me". silas reaches out to pat dj on the head, dj flinches and runs away.

10AM silas breaks out his yellow legal pad and goes over the 2 plays he came up with during the night. play #1 will be signaled by dj holding up 1 finger. play #2 will be signaled by dj holding up 2 fingers. if dj holds up anything else it means he is confused and will simply throw the ball out of bounds and run back on defense.

11AM charles oakley arrives from the airport wearing a black leather jacket with "bad motha ****" written on the back. oakley says he is going to "toughen up these pussies".

1PM silas goes back to bojangles hoping to get a different person at the window, one that will ask for his autograph. he orders a cajun filet biscuit. this time its a teenage girl in the window, with long nails and a weave. she does not recognize paul and gives him the wrong order. any other day he would be sad, but not today.

2PM silas is back in time for the big press conference. he tells reporters he plans to make the team run more and he does a 'jogging motion' with his arms to get his point across. he cuts the interview short. his stomach is not happy about all the bojangles. he passes diop in the bathroom who is looking at himself in the mirror while he practicing his English “happy christmas and merry new year”. no time for hellos, his stomach means business.

3PM silas makes 14 copies of his play book, all two pages, and gives it to the players. he doesnt understand why the short, fat guy in the back looks like he wants a copy. higgins whispers to silas "that is sherron collins. he is our 3rd string pg". silas tells him to share with diop. Diop is sad.

4PM silas arrives back home just in time for oprah.

[Battery]

[dmutombo321]

That made my week sir. Bravo Bravo

[captaincrunk]

This reminds me of 27b/6. Bravo. "Diop is sad".

[nugentrk]

fatlever, you a funny dude. Two thumbs up

[BobsBuddy]

Fats-- Thats the best I heard yet. What a coaching staff? Silas Oakley,Pj and Mugsy. Maybe we can get Hugo back and the Honeybees and rename TWC arena 'The Hive" Wonder what the roster will look like next week. I heard that Alonzo and Rice are on a plane right now and that Mason was released from some prison and is on his way to Charlotte after a brief stop for a Limo ride in New York. They couldn't find Valide but suspect he is in some brothel in Siberia. Even Dell is going to suit up.. Wow this is great.
They ought to make a movie "Return of the Hornets to the Queen City"

[Eoghan]

I'm pretty sure Scott Burrell manages that Bojangles.

[MPM]

Epic post. Epic.

[Rich4114]

Can we get Steve to add pictures to this story? lmao

[thesneakysneak]

8AM dj is first to arrive at the arena. paul sticks out his hand to greet him but dj goes right past the handshake and gives silas a huge hug. dj looks up with a big smile and says "i swear i can play coach. Please don’t yell at me". silas reaches out to pat dj on the head, dj flinches and runs away.

This made me crack up. Dj's confidence was starting to look Morrison-like near the end of the LB era. This team needs a 'player's coach' in the worst possible way.

[hhvo]

LMAO at work. Fat, this is hilarious!!! As I read it, I can actually pic every detail. Hahahah... Great work.