Rename EVERY NBA Team
Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2015 6:09 am
First things first….This is an offseason thread. If you have no interest in such shenanigans, it would behoove you to click the leftward facing arrow in your toolbar lest your dander be raised.
The Scenario: Adam Silver and the NBA owners, knowing they’ve got the leverage of TV money regardless of if a season is played or not, make a list of demands that players are simply not willing to abide by. Michele Roberts takes the nuclear option and makes good on her threat to form a new league. They are somehow able to use the same arenas (or at least build similar venues) in all of the same cities BUT due to copyright infringement, the teams must be rebranded. Create new nicknames for all 30 teams...OR DIE TRYING!
Atlanta Swelter: Inspired by the all-consuming and oppressive heat of a Georgia summer. The basketball team should be similarly oppressive toward its opponents. I thought about calling them the Helter Swelter to add an even more frenzied edge to the name, but that could be used in various unofficial marketing campaigns with the team.
Boston Massacre: Citing a moment in history where Americans had decided they’d had enough of British rule, the patriots formed a mob, got themselves dead, and became a precursor to the Revolutionary War. This name honors rebellion against authority and is also somewhat of a play on words by including the state in the name: Boston, Mass(acre). It is an intimidating name, but a fledgling league may worry about the violent and bloody connotations of a word like ‘massacre’ when marketing the team.
Brooklyn United: I thought about Brooklyn Knights, but that appears to be the name of a soccer team and my only basis for the name was that it seemed popular during the rebranding of the Nets a few years ago. I went with Brooklyn United because it both keeps with their bare-bones brand they’ve created with the Nets and also because the official motto of Brooklyn is Eendraght Maeckt Maght - Dutch for “In Unity, there is strength.”
Charlotte Vespas: The Hornets is a perfect name for them, let’s get that straight first. If you don’t know the connection, British General Cornwallis occupied Charlotte but was driven out by hostile citizens. He wrote that Charlotte was a ‘hornet’s nest of a rebellion.’ I chose the name Vespas because Vespa is the genus that Hornets reside under so they could keep the Hornet theme. Hell, they could have a Hornet riding a vespa for a logo.
Chicago Gust: Chicago is known as The Windy City. Gust invokes the power and force with which this phenomena of wind occurs. You cannot see it, but you can see and feel its effect. The basketball team should play with a similar power and force.
Cleveland Rockers: Home to the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame and inspiration for the song ‘Cleveland Rocks,’ this name adds to the rocking image of Cleveland. Carefree and powerful are terms to associate with this franchise.
Dallas Armadillos: The armadillo deserves some credit for being an awesome animal. Texas is known for its armadillo population and this would be a great tribute. I also thought about the name ‘Dallas Armor.’ That would be a more flexible name that could either invoke images of the armadillo or some kind of old knight’s full-body armor.
Denver Rush: This name works in two directions. First, short for the gold rush which instigated the creation of this fine American city. Second, for the style of play we often see from Denver teams that take advantage of being acclimated to the mile-high atmosphere.
Detroit Grit: Despite being my hometown team, I had trouble with this one. Detroit is best known for automobiles and motown. I couldn’t think of any words that really fit, though. Maybe Detroit Revolution (a nod to former resident Rosa Parks, race riots, the automobile revolution, and RPM)... Ok, after having written all that out now, maybe I prefer Detroit Revolution. But assuming I stay with grit, I chose it because I feel it taps into both the city and past Detroit championship teams. Detroit is blue collar through and through and both the Bad Boys and Going To Work Pistons teams embodied that term. I could go with either Detroit Grit or Detroit Revolution.
The Bay: I played around with other names...Golden State Redwoods? The Bay Area Lions (referring to the sea lions, of course)? But I like the simplicity of the name. We’ve never had an NBA team that has simply foregone either their city name or their nickname. This one is kind of a combination of both.
Houston Launch: I’m not that proud of this one. It’s basically a way to get around calling them the Rockets. Still, their arena could be called the Launch Pad and images of high flying dunks are evoked while maintaining the space theme that Houston deserves to have.
Indiana Little Turtles: I was having a tough time with Indiana and delved into their history to find an Indian chief named Michikinikwa, or Little Turtle. He was a war leader who won several battles against the French and defeated an American troop that was claiming the land as their own. This nickname is meant to honor that fighting spirit.
L.A. Lights: Or possibly the Lights of L.A. I would expect the Lakers to take this name because it is simple and as a pillar of the NBA basketball community, simplicity would be their friend. It is meant to evoke images of the lights and glamour of Hollywood. This is the glamour team. This name would also lead into killer pre- or post-game light shows. Another term I thought about using was Los Angeles Epic - both because of the descriptive nature of the word epic and its use in storymaking, thus its connection to the movie industry.
Los Angeles Leviathans: Leviathans can be any sort mythical sea beast. I thought about using other legendary ones (like Kraken) or real ones (like Narwhals), but the alliteration puts Leviathans over the top. This name conjures up coastal images and notions of fantasy. While the L.A. Lights are going for the glitz market, the Leviathans are trying to get the family market.
Memphis Express: This was almost their actual name, but the NBA nixed it due to its ties with the Memphis-based Federal Express. While I’m definitely not a fan of corporate/commercial overreach into sports, I really like this name. It has a nice ring and would be a good moniker for an uptempo team.
Miami Squall: Squall. I just like the word. Images of brutal storm arise - a name apt for a city that has had to survive numerous hurricanes.
The Milwaukee Lion: Simultaneously the most normal ‘sports’ name and the strangest fit on my list. I was having the hardest time coming up with a name for Milwaukee when I came across an article that discussed a mysterious lion-like animal that started appearing around town this past summer. Many people caught glances of it or took fuzzy photos of it, but it was never captured. It has been dubbed the Milwaukee Lion and the elusiveness, the mystique, and the magnificence of such a beast make it worthy of a nickname in my opinion.
Minnesota Yeti: Minnesota is the northernmost state in the continental 48. As such, it becomes a frozen tundra in the winter, the midst of the NBA season. What better symbol of that than a mythical snow beast? My other idea was the Minnesota Tauntauns, although they would probably need to enter into a licensing agreement with Star Wars for that one.
New Orleans Desire: Let’s bring some culture to the NBA with these next two selections. First, the New Orleans Desire. This name is meant to honor Tennessee Williams’ ‘A Streetcar Named Desire,’ which is set in the French Quarter in New Orleans. Also, it is meant to also apply to the passion the team has in bringing an NBA Championship to the Big Easy.
Harlem Renaissance: Is it sacrilegious to have a team from New York and not use the city name? Is it marketing folly? Perhaps. But situated just 7 miles from Madison Square Garden is the cultural epicenter that brought us Langston Hughes, Duke Ellington, Ella Fitzgerald, Count Basie and so much more.
Oklahoma City Bison: They already use a bison as their current mascot, so this would be a relatively seamless move to the Bison. The name is sacred to certain Native American tribes and something that is powerful, yet silent. Something that was on the brink of extinction but came back strong.
Orlando Thrill: This is one I don’t feel too great about. I went with thrill because Orlando is known as the amusement park capital of the world. I thought about going with the Orlando Juice (OJ) to celebrate florida citrus, but I liked the sound of the Thrill more.
Philadelphia Freedom Fighters: Philadelphia Liberty is shorter and cleaner, but sometimes I’m just a sucker for alliteration. Besides, there is already a WNBA team (New York) called the Liberty. The name is meant to honor the patriotic history of Philadelphia and conjure images of the Liberty Bell and Ben Franklin.
The Phoenix: I’ve always thought the Suns should just remove the Suns part of their name and call themselves ‘The Phoenix’. Phoenix is hot, yes, but so is a phoenix. It’s a bird that sets itself on f***ing fire. And your city is named after it. You NEED to use that! It’s such a badass creature. It self-immolates and then creates itself anew like nothing happened. It completely BURNS ITSELF TO ASHES and then WALKS IT OFF. Hell yeah, I’m getting pumped up just thinking about it.
The Oregon Trail: Portland is a unique city and I’m not sure they would want to not have their city name in the team name. I went with The Oregon Trail as a nod back to the old computer game, which I think the eccentric 30 and 40-somethings that seemingly dominate the city would appreciate. “Keep Portland Weird” is the unofficial city slogan and I was trying to find a name that would encapsulate the hipster vibe of the city. I originally went with the Portland Beards but backed off as beard has other meanings too. Portland Unicycles? One I like is Portland Fighting Tardigrades. Tardigrades are awesome and I think the city would get behind an oddball name. Still, in lieu of being able to decide, I went with a name that recalls both a 1980s text-based computer game and the Portland Trailblazers.
Sacramento Terminus: According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, Sacramento was “a terminus for wagon trains, stagecoaches, riverboats, the telegraph, the pony express, and the first transcontinental railroad.” And of course we all remember Terminus from The Walking Dead. A terminus is where all roads end. It is the final destination, implying that there is nothing greater beyond.
Mission San Antonio: This is another instance where I am going for an abnormal name order (like The Bay, The Phoenix, and one more below). I’d have no problem with the San Antonio Mission(s) -- there is a San Antonio Missions National Park, but I chose this to honor the Alamo. The Alamo’s original name was Mission San Antonio de Valero. Also, the team would assumedly invoke the name as a solemn promise of their quest to win championships.
Seattle Sasquatch: Bonus team! They bring a team back to Seattle and call them the Sasquatch. As you probably noticed, I like mythological creatures (Leviathans, Phoenix, Yeti) and wouldn’t mind seeing them used more in sports team names. Sasquatch are thought (by those that believe) to roam in the Pacific Northwest. Like the Supersonics, this name has alliteration as well.
Toronto Exchange: Toronto was another difficult one for me. I spent 2 days there and was struck by how well the different cultures cohabit the area. While they may live according to neighborhoods, I appreciated how often I saw social groups of multiple ethnicities, something I didn’t see much of even in my college town (10+ years ago, mind you). So I like the name Exchange because it pays tribute to the various cultures of Toronto and also marks Toronto as a world city economically. Toronto is a center for economic and cultural exchange.
The Great Salt Lakers: Lawyers may have to fight it out to see if this Lakers name should or could survive this metamorphosis. I like this rebrand for Utah, though. The Great Salt Lake is a unique marvel that deserves to be honored via nickname.
Washington Monuments: What better than a phallic logo surrounded by stars and stripes and red, white, and blue? This name is symbolic not only of the Washington Monument, but all that the country stands for and the mighty power wielded by the area.
I'm interested in hearing others' ideas as well, but please do not use this as an opportunity to make easy jokes degrading the cities or fan bases of other teams.
The Scenario: Adam Silver and the NBA owners, knowing they’ve got the leverage of TV money regardless of if a season is played or not, make a list of demands that players are simply not willing to abide by. Michele Roberts takes the nuclear option and makes good on her threat to form a new league. They are somehow able to use the same arenas (or at least build similar venues) in all of the same cities BUT due to copyright infringement, the teams must be rebranded. Create new nicknames for all 30 teams...OR DIE TRYING!
Atlanta Swelter: Inspired by the all-consuming and oppressive heat of a Georgia summer. The basketball team should be similarly oppressive toward its opponents. I thought about calling them the Helter Swelter to add an even more frenzied edge to the name, but that could be used in various unofficial marketing campaigns with the team.
Boston Massacre: Citing a moment in history where Americans had decided they’d had enough of British rule, the patriots formed a mob, got themselves dead, and became a precursor to the Revolutionary War. This name honors rebellion against authority and is also somewhat of a play on words by including the state in the name: Boston, Mass(acre). It is an intimidating name, but a fledgling league may worry about the violent and bloody connotations of a word like ‘massacre’ when marketing the team.
Brooklyn United: I thought about Brooklyn Knights, but that appears to be the name of a soccer team and my only basis for the name was that it seemed popular during the rebranding of the Nets a few years ago. I went with Brooklyn United because it both keeps with their bare-bones brand they’ve created with the Nets and also because the official motto of Brooklyn is Eendraght Maeckt Maght - Dutch for “In Unity, there is strength.”
Charlotte Vespas: The Hornets is a perfect name for them, let’s get that straight first. If you don’t know the connection, British General Cornwallis occupied Charlotte but was driven out by hostile citizens. He wrote that Charlotte was a ‘hornet’s nest of a rebellion.’ I chose the name Vespas because Vespa is the genus that Hornets reside under so they could keep the Hornet theme. Hell, they could have a Hornet riding a vespa for a logo.
Chicago Gust: Chicago is known as The Windy City. Gust invokes the power and force with which this phenomena of wind occurs. You cannot see it, but you can see and feel its effect. The basketball team should play with a similar power and force.
Cleveland Rockers: Home to the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame and inspiration for the song ‘Cleveland Rocks,’ this name adds to the rocking image of Cleveland. Carefree and powerful are terms to associate with this franchise.
Dallas Armadillos: The armadillo deserves some credit for being an awesome animal. Texas is known for its armadillo population and this would be a great tribute. I also thought about the name ‘Dallas Armor.’ That would be a more flexible name that could either invoke images of the armadillo or some kind of old knight’s full-body armor.
Denver Rush: This name works in two directions. First, short for the gold rush which instigated the creation of this fine American city. Second, for the style of play we often see from Denver teams that take advantage of being acclimated to the mile-high atmosphere.
Detroit Grit: Despite being my hometown team, I had trouble with this one. Detroit is best known for automobiles and motown. I couldn’t think of any words that really fit, though. Maybe Detroit Revolution (a nod to former resident Rosa Parks, race riots, the automobile revolution, and RPM)... Ok, after having written all that out now, maybe I prefer Detroit Revolution. But assuming I stay with grit, I chose it because I feel it taps into both the city and past Detroit championship teams. Detroit is blue collar through and through and both the Bad Boys and Going To Work Pistons teams embodied that term. I could go with either Detroit Grit or Detroit Revolution.
The Bay: I played around with other names...Golden State Redwoods? The Bay Area Lions (referring to the sea lions, of course)? But I like the simplicity of the name. We’ve never had an NBA team that has simply foregone either their city name or their nickname. This one is kind of a combination of both.
Houston Launch: I’m not that proud of this one. It’s basically a way to get around calling them the Rockets. Still, their arena could be called the Launch Pad and images of high flying dunks are evoked while maintaining the space theme that Houston deserves to have.
Indiana Little Turtles: I was having a tough time with Indiana and delved into their history to find an Indian chief named Michikinikwa, or Little Turtle. He was a war leader who won several battles against the French and defeated an American troop that was claiming the land as their own. This nickname is meant to honor that fighting spirit.
L.A. Lights: Or possibly the Lights of L.A. I would expect the Lakers to take this name because it is simple and as a pillar of the NBA basketball community, simplicity would be their friend. It is meant to evoke images of the lights and glamour of Hollywood. This is the glamour team. This name would also lead into killer pre- or post-game light shows. Another term I thought about using was Los Angeles Epic - both because of the descriptive nature of the word epic and its use in storymaking, thus its connection to the movie industry.
Los Angeles Leviathans: Leviathans can be any sort mythical sea beast. I thought about using other legendary ones (like Kraken) or real ones (like Narwhals), but the alliteration puts Leviathans over the top. This name conjures up coastal images and notions of fantasy. While the L.A. Lights are going for the glitz market, the Leviathans are trying to get the family market.
Memphis Express: This was almost their actual name, but the NBA nixed it due to its ties with the Memphis-based Federal Express. While I’m definitely not a fan of corporate/commercial overreach into sports, I really like this name. It has a nice ring and would be a good moniker for an uptempo team.
Miami Squall: Squall. I just like the word. Images of brutal storm arise - a name apt for a city that has had to survive numerous hurricanes.
The Milwaukee Lion: Simultaneously the most normal ‘sports’ name and the strangest fit on my list. I was having the hardest time coming up with a name for Milwaukee when I came across an article that discussed a mysterious lion-like animal that started appearing around town this past summer. Many people caught glances of it or took fuzzy photos of it, but it was never captured. It has been dubbed the Milwaukee Lion and the elusiveness, the mystique, and the magnificence of such a beast make it worthy of a nickname in my opinion.
Minnesota Yeti: Minnesota is the northernmost state in the continental 48. As such, it becomes a frozen tundra in the winter, the midst of the NBA season. What better symbol of that than a mythical snow beast? My other idea was the Minnesota Tauntauns, although they would probably need to enter into a licensing agreement with Star Wars for that one.
New Orleans Desire: Let’s bring some culture to the NBA with these next two selections. First, the New Orleans Desire. This name is meant to honor Tennessee Williams’ ‘A Streetcar Named Desire,’ which is set in the French Quarter in New Orleans. Also, it is meant to also apply to the passion the team has in bringing an NBA Championship to the Big Easy.
Harlem Renaissance: Is it sacrilegious to have a team from New York and not use the city name? Is it marketing folly? Perhaps. But situated just 7 miles from Madison Square Garden is the cultural epicenter that brought us Langston Hughes, Duke Ellington, Ella Fitzgerald, Count Basie and so much more.
Oklahoma City Bison: They already use a bison as their current mascot, so this would be a relatively seamless move to the Bison. The name is sacred to certain Native American tribes and something that is powerful, yet silent. Something that was on the brink of extinction but came back strong.
Orlando Thrill: This is one I don’t feel too great about. I went with thrill because Orlando is known as the amusement park capital of the world. I thought about going with the Orlando Juice (OJ) to celebrate florida citrus, but I liked the sound of the Thrill more.
Philadelphia Freedom Fighters: Philadelphia Liberty is shorter and cleaner, but sometimes I’m just a sucker for alliteration. Besides, there is already a WNBA team (New York) called the Liberty. The name is meant to honor the patriotic history of Philadelphia and conjure images of the Liberty Bell and Ben Franklin.
The Phoenix: I’ve always thought the Suns should just remove the Suns part of their name and call themselves ‘The Phoenix’. Phoenix is hot, yes, but so is a phoenix. It’s a bird that sets itself on f***ing fire. And your city is named after it. You NEED to use that! It’s such a badass creature. It self-immolates and then creates itself anew like nothing happened. It completely BURNS ITSELF TO ASHES and then WALKS IT OFF. Hell yeah, I’m getting pumped up just thinking about it.
The Oregon Trail: Portland is a unique city and I’m not sure they would want to not have their city name in the team name. I went with The Oregon Trail as a nod back to the old computer game, which I think the eccentric 30 and 40-somethings that seemingly dominate the city would appreciate. “Keep Portland Weird” is the unofficial city slogan and I was trying to find a name that would encapsulate the hipster vibe of the city. I originally went with the Portland Beards but backed off as beard has other meanings too. Portland Unicycles? One I like is Portland Fighting Tardigrades. Tardigrades are awesome and I think the city would get behind an oddball name. Still, in lieu of being able to decide, I went with a name that recalls both a 1980s text-based computer game and the Portland Trailblazers.
Sacramento Terminus: According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, Sacramento was “a terminus for wagon trains, stagecoaches, riverboats, the telegraph, the pony express, and the first transcontinental railroad.” And of course we all remember Terminus from The Walking Dead. A terminus is where all roads end. It is the final destination, implying that there is nothing greater beyond.
Mission San Antonio: This is another instance where I am going for an abnormal name order (like The Bay, The Phoenix, and one more below). I’d have no problem with the San Antonio Mission(s) -- there is a San Antonio Missions National Park, but I chose this to honor the Alamo. The Alamo’s original name was Mission San Antonio de Valero. Also, the team would assumedly invoke the name as a solemn promise of their quest to win championships.
Seattle Sasquatch: Bonus team! They bring a team back to Seattle and call them the Sasquatch. As you probably noticed, I like mythological creatures (Leviathans, Phoenix, Yeti) and wouldn’t mind seeing them used more in sports team names. Sasquatch are thought (by those that believe) to roam in the Pacific Northwest. Like the Supersonics, this name has alliteration as well.
Toronto Exchange: Toronto was another difficult one for me. I spent 2 days there and was struck by how well the different cultures cohabit the area. While they may live according to neighborhoods, I appreciated how often I saw social groups of multiple ethnicities, something I didn’t see much of even in my college town (10+ years ago, mind you). So I like the name Exchange because it pays tribute to the various cultures of Toronto and also marks Toronto as a world city economically. Toronto is a center for economic and cultural exchange.
The Great Salt Lakers: Lawyers may have to fight it out to see if this Lakers name should or could survive this metamorphosis. I like this rebrand for Utah, though. The Great Salt Lake is a unique marvel that deserves to be honored via nickname.
Washington Monuments: What better than a phallic logo surrounded by stars and stripes and red, white, and blue? This name is symbolic not only of the Washington Monument, but all that the country stands for and the mighty power wielded by the area.
I'm interested in hearing others' ideas as well, but please do not use this as an opportunity to make easy jokes degrading the cities or fan bases of other teams.
