So you're sitting with NBA commissioner David Stern in his office in New York--actually, he is sitting and you're standing, pacing in front of his desk--feverishly pitching ideas at basketball's overlord. He is conservative in a navy suit and red tie, but you are West Coast all the way, teal silk shirt remaining fashionably untucked over khaki pants, hair slick, sunglasses in place despite the indoors-ness of this meeting. "Dave, babe, picture it: We've got Kobe and Phil in black-and-white ... the propellers are running in the background, it's getting time to leave. Very dramatic. Kobe's got to go back to Shaq, and Phil knows it. But hey, they'll always have Paris, right Dave-o? Phil puts his hand under Kobe's chin and says, 'Kobe, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now. Here's looking at you, kid.' Whaddya think, Dave-o? I call it, Shaqablanca."
Dave-o's not getting it. But you're just getting started.
"OK, how about this, Dave-a-reno ... We've got Shaq on a horse with Phil dressed in an antebellum gown in front of an old Southern mansion. Phil is distraught watching Shaq prepare to leave. Phil says: 'Shaq, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?' Shaq turns and says to Phil with a sneer, 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.' That's gold, Dave-a-reno, pure gold! Gone with the Shaq! we'll call it."
Dave-a-reno looks at his watch. He's playing hardball here. Your voice goes up in pitch. You're getting nervous.
"You're a tough egg, Dave-a-doodle-doo. All right, I call this one, Citizen Kobe ..."
Dave-a-doodle-doo reaches for the phone and calmly calls security. This is not good. You are desperate.
"No, no, Davey-boy, we can work something out here. How about Shaq-Hur.
Think of the chariot race! One Flew over the Staples Center? How about this, Davey-boy, you've seen 91/2 Weeks? Well, instead of Mickey Rourke we have Shaq, and instead of Kim Basinger, we have Kobe ... it'll cover the whole season, we'll call it 251/2 Weeks ..."
Davey-boy waves a hand, imploring you not to complete that thought as security officers clutch you by the shoulder. "Don't you get it, Dave?" you shout as you are dragged out. "This is the NBA! This league is an L.A. league now! It's all gone Hollywood, man! Hollywood!"
You probably could have picked a better way to demonstrate it to the commissioner, but certainly, you are right. The NBA is going Hollywood this season, with a replay of the league's late-1980s Showtime days, where the biggest star, Michael Jordan, plays for a team with no chance at The Finals, where a cast of supporting stars around the league has created its own intriguing storylines and where Team Hollywood itself, the Lakers, are two-time defending champs and a cinch to repeat.
In terms of depth, plot and characters, this figures to be the NBA's most compelling script since Jordan's retirement three years ago. So get yourself a tub of popcorn, a box of Goobers and a 48-ounce soda--just make certain Derrick Coleman is not sitting next to you. We're about to dim the lights and get this film rolling. Start with the Lakers, who graciously played a dual role last season: They happened to be both the league's best team and the league's most dramatic team, with dueling soap operas running throughout the season. Kobe Bryant starred in The Young and the Restless as the sprightly star who went too far in his own direction, and Shaquille O'Neal played the lead in The Bold and the Beautiful (well, maybe just The Bold), as the brute who sought to keep his team in line with enigmatic declarations about big dogs and throwing bones. By season's end, of course, everything was melded neatly into one, happy sitcom--call it, The Bold, the Young, the Restless and the Beautiful--but this season, the Lakers start over. It already appears the Lakers will get off to as rocky a start this year as they did last year. A few months ago, O'Neal promised to show up for training camp in tip-top shape, under 300 pounds. Instead, after a summer of what he calls, "good living," O'Neal weighed in near 340. He had surgery more than a month ago on his pinky toe, which has left him in a place very familiar to Hollywood types: rehab. The toe caused O'Neal to miss the beginning of training camp, and with point guard Derek Fisher out until at least late November after surgery to repair a stress fracture in his right foot, the Lakers were forced to play some preseason games with a rag-tag lineup: new addition Samaki Walker at center, Robert Horry and Rick Fox at the forwards, Bryant at shooting guard and another new addition, Mitch Richmond or Lindsey Hunter, at the point.
When O'Neal does come back, there will be some issues to square away. Issue No. 1 is that little Shaq vs. Kobe distraction, which seemed to be laid to rest when the Lakers closed the regular season with 10 straight wins and went 15-1 in the playoffs. Could it pop up again in the first half of this season? "God, I hope not," says Fox, who knows a thing or two about Hollywood, having appeared in HBO's Oz and seven feature films.
Fox often is seen riding the stationary bike in the Lakers' practice facility, poring over scripts and practicing lines. "But we're from Hollywood, we know about scripts. It would be boring if we went out and beat up on everyone all year."
Issue No. 2 is the league's new rules, which eliminate illegal defenses, meaning opponents can pile as many available bodies on O'Neal as they please.
O'Neal considers this possibility and frets at the possible carnage he will face. "I think it is a stupid, idiotic rule," he says.
But O'Neal is overreacting. Let's face it, teams have been using illegal rotations on him throughout his career, to no avail. Opponents could defend O'Neal with the 30-foot "H" in the "Hollywood" sign, and it wouldn't do much good.
"Even now, when he goes against illegal defenses and double-teams, Shaq still scores 30 per game," Cavaliers center Zydrunas Ilgauskas says.
In fact, this could be the best season of O'Neal's career, despite the rules. And when he is playing at the near-flawless level he achieved during the postseason, the Lakers are impossible to beat. His scoring (30.4 points per game), rebounding (15.4) and defense (2.4 blocks) were obvious in the playoffs. But he has become the best passing big man in the game, setting up his shooters with optimal space and time--an important aspect of the Lakers' triangle offense. If this were hockey or soccer, O'Neal would have more assists, because in the ideal triangle offense, the center's pass sets up another pass, which leads to an open shot. It's something O'Neal still is improving at.
"When we throw the ball in to him now, the team is going to run off and double-team," Lakers assistant Jim Cleamons says. "He has a very good idea of where the double-team is coming from and delivering the basketball. Now, he is doing a better job, getting the ball there with a crisper pass, which now really buries the defense and forces teams to rotate quickly, and that opens the second shooter out. That is a learning process. He is a much wiser basketball player, and it has an effect up and down."
When it comes to basketball wisdom, though, no one in the league can match wits with Michael Jordan, who, as the Wizards' president of basketball operations, made perhaps the best offseason signing in the NBA: He signed Michael Jordan as a free agent. We hear negotiations went pretty smoothly. Jordan is 38 and coming off a three-year layoff, so the impact he will have on the beggarly Wizards, a team that has been to the playoffs once in the past 13 years, is debatable. Washington will be fortunate to reach .500. What impact he is having on the league's star power is not debatable, though.
Where the league had been nursing along its burgeoning stars, Jordan is an instant supernova. He probably won't play in front of an unsold seat this season. The Wizards have set a team record for season-ticket sales, and Washington's road games are the hottest-selling tickets at NBA arenas. The NBA's television networks, NBC and TNT, already have begun to scrap their original broadcast plans, which included exactly zero Wizards games, to get Jordan on the air. All this for a team that was 19-63 last season. Talk about star power.
"I am not asking the league to market me in any way," Jordan says. "I'm not asking them to put me on TV. I would rather they market the young guys."
Of course, the NBA has tried to market the young guys, but with scattershot success. Though some bemoan Jordan's return as a hindrance to the league's ability to develop new stars, he actually will have an opposite effect. Casual fans might tune into a Wizards-Magic game, and while watching Jordan surely will take notice of that Tracy McGrady kid.
"It's good to have people talking about basketball again," Hornets general manager Jeff Bower says. "Everyone's excited, and I think you'll see people excited about Jordan, who start to get excited about some of the other guys in the league not everyone knows about."
Jordan sees it the same way. "A lot of people were very nervous about me stopping the growth of the NBA because of my participation," he says. "I'm here to aid, to help."
Of course, the league's new stars might not need Jordan's help. Consider last year's top 10 scoring list--half the players on the list had never finished in the top 10 before. This largely is thanks to the third year of development by the Class of 1998, which included Antawn Jamison, Vince Carter and Paul Pierce--and the fourth year for the Class of 1997's McGrady, who did not get much playing time as a rookie. Jordan will be seeing most of these guys in one-on-one situations because the bulk of the league's youthful talent is on the wings, as Jordan is. That creates even juicier plots when the Wizards play McGrady and the Magic or Carter and the Raptors.
"Understand something," says Pistons president Joe Dumars, a contemporary of Jordan's. "In the last three years while he was gone, all those young guys--Allen Iverson, Ray Allen, Kobe Bryant, Jerry Stackhouse, Tracy McGrady, Vince Carter--those guys have improved. From that standpoint, Michael is going to find this a different league."
Much different. Remember, when Jordan left the NBA three years ago, the only reliable thing about the Lakers was their postseason self-destruction.
Now, Hollywood's team rolls through postseasons, causing opponents to degenerate into some cheap knockoff of 12 Angry Men (how about that one, Dave-a-doodle-doo?). The current bunch of Lakers has made so much progress, it can survey the NBA landscape and issue stark challenges.
"Keep in mind," O'Neal says, "everyone has to come through L.A. Somebody has to beat us." TSN
E-mail staff writer Sean Deveney at
sdeveney@sportingnews.com. Can't miss subplots
No names will appear in bigger letters on the NBA's marquee this season than those of Michael Jordan, Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant. But there are plenty of other subplots around the league, and those stories shouldn't be overlooked. In an attempt to drum up excitement, we turned to the able pens of the folks who write the excitable blurbs that appear all over movie ads. Here's what they came up with:
"I laughed, I cried, I lost my hair!" Well, that's just what happens when you're the coach of the Trail Blazers. You laugh when you size up the talent on your roster, you cry when you watch Rasheed Wallace get ejected. Careful follicle counts show that Mike Dunleavy, fired after Portland's first-round playoff meltdown against the Lakers, actually got balder in his tenure in Portland. Enjoy your barbershop conversations while you can, Mo Cheeks.
"A rollicking, roller coaster thrill ride!" There is no team more fun to watch than the Kings. They led the league in scoring again last season, averaging 101.7 points, and have learned to include defense in their up-tempo style. Plus, in one game last year, Vlade Divac got blood on his uniform and had to remove his shirt in front of his home crowd. What a thrill.
"If you see only one NBA game this year, make it this one!" San Antonio fans can be downright cruel--even Shaquille O'Neal gave a hearty chuckle to some of the brutally derisive poster boards the locals took to the Alamodome during the Western Conference final--and the Spurs are feeling a bit jilted by the defection of shooting guard Derek Anderson, who forced a trade to Portland after negotiations with the Spurs hit a snag. The Blazers visit the Spurs December 19. Expect some harsh signage.
"A mystery packed with first-rate suspense!" For all the losses the Heat incurred this summer, its fate still hangs on something it has no control over--the health of center Alonzo Mourning. He missed most of last season with a kidney disease but made a stunning comeback in time for the playoffs. He since has acknowledged he tried to return too soon and was fatigued during the Heat's first-round playoff loss to the Hornets. But what no one knows, not even Mourning, is whether he will react any differently after a complete summer of rest.
"A complete and utter bomb! A tour-de-farce!" That might not generate much excitement, but how else can you describe the new look of the Bulls and Grizzlies? --S.D. Jordan has range
Americans are easily bored. Remember, there was a time when Quentin Tarantino movies were considered edgy and meaningful, when the phrase 'Yahoo Serious' made sense and when "starring Corey Haim" meant box-office riches. That has changed.
In the realm of stardom, reinvention is crucial. You don't want to be tomorrow who you were yesterday. Imagine if Tom Hanks had limited himself to slapstick comedy--he probably still would be dressing like a woman and sharing an apartment with Peter Scolari.
For the NBA's biggest star, reinvention is similarly crucial. There was a time when Michael Jordan was defined by protruding-tongued dunks, surreal bedroom-wall photographs and Mars Blackmon. But judging Jordan's career on that phase would be like sizing up Hanks based on The Money Pit and Bachelor Party.
Jordan changed his genre. He cut down on the acrobatics and became a better defender, a better mid-range shooter and a much better player. He won six championships in his reinvented role.
Now Jordan is reinventing his role again with the young and hapless Wizards, this time as an on-the-floor-coach, a small forward who moonlights at the point, a basketball wiseman and, far removed from his days as a master acrobat, a servant to the whims of his aging body.
Wizards coach Doug Collins will squeeze whatever usefulness he can out of Jordan. That means occasionally playing Jordan at point guard to get him on the floor with Washington's two other scorers, Courtney Alexander and Richard Hamilton. It means allowing Jordan to work the post. It means resting him. It means sitting back while Jordan barks instructions from a courtside seat.
"There are other things he is going to do for us besides just score," Collins says.
There also are other notable reinventions taking place around the league, with players and teams changing slightly, trying to remain one step ahead of that fatal American ennui:
1. Grant Hill. He must first reinvent himself as a man with a healthy ankle. If he does that, he also must be willing to be a playmaker, deferring to Tracy McGrady for scoring.
2. Shareef Abdur-Rahim and Mike Bibby. They put up good numbers while they were shielded from public view by the obscurity of Vancouver. Now, Bibby joins a sure playoff team in Sacramento and must adjust to a faster tempo. Abdur-Rahim joins the East's most improved team and must take on the role of a leader in Atlanta.
3. The Clippers. The trade that brought in Elton Brand has helped transform Los Angeles' other team into a potential playoff group.
4. Pat Riley. He had to reinvent the Heat as a younger team with much less talent. Coaching a roster full of guys in their mid-20s never has been a role Riley has sought. --S.D.