There used to be a fan who went to Maple Leafs games in Maple Leaf Gardens wearing one of those Russian hats, the wooly things that fold down over the ears. You don't forget something as worrisome and suspicious as that.
An ugly team that plays an ugly style, for an ugly city. I am not going to badmouth a location for the fun of it, but the facts are what they are, the place is what you would imagine the Fourth World to live like.
An exclusive scouting report on the most unwatchable NBA team to ever exist.
Lucas Nogueira - Former Celtic. He says the time he spent as a Boston Celtic is the highlight of his life.
Jonas Valanciunas - Year after year, their most efficient scorer, but one who doesn't get the ball passed to.
Bruno Caboclo - Had his 15 seconds of fame many years ago. He makes Kedrick Brown look like Raef LaFrentz. Bruno Caboclo is like a poor man's Anthony Bennett. Only someone so incompetant that they would draft Izzet Turkyalamz with a second rounder would even consider drafting Bruno Caboclo with a first rounder. In Toronto, when the draft choice is Nikola Jokic or Bruno Caboclo, they select Bruno Caboclo.
Delon Wright - If his first name started with F, it would make him sound like what so many Raptors have been. Keon Clark, Alvin Robertson, when you build a franchise around those players, things never go wright. Delon was another draft reach, and fail. Missed on Willy Hernangomez, Nance, many other better prospects.
Norman Powell - That guy everyone says had the talent to be a first rounder and say he will prove it with minutes, and then he gets playing time and becomes that guy everyone wonders how they managed to even get drafted. Expect the Raptors to use a first round pick to get another team to take his inflated contract, it's what the Raptors do.
DeMar DeRozan - If the Raptors commentators don't get you changing the channel, his ugly-ball game will. Watching Joel Anthony shoot free throws is more exciting. DeMar, which is Spanish for "The Ocean", couldn't throw a ball into the ocean let alone make an outside shot. The entertainment level, it is like watching an overweight woman in a shoe store try shoes on, which are four sizes too small, when DeMar is playing basketball. For all this, the Raptors made him the highest-paid player for any Canadian sports franchise.
Jakob Poeltl - From the same country as Baynes. To say his name correctly, either have a concussion or fill your mouth with candy, "Yacob Purtle". The OPP pulled him over one day, asked who he was, he answered with his name, they put the handcuffs on the big foreigner who they assumed was slurring his words.
Pascal Siakam - Sounds like a make-believe player, or an obscure computer program language. Just another first round bust. The Raptors could have had the Rookie of the Year Brogdon, or Labissiere who had been projected as a future All-Star, or the unbelievable Jake Layman, but instead of that they went to Douala, Cameroon for their pick because everyoe goes to Douala, Cameroon when drafting for the NBA. Is Bruno Caboclo a poor man's Pascal Siakam, or is Pascal Siakam a poor man's Bruno Caboclo?
Fred VanVleet - He isn't Dutch, but plays as poorly as someone would if they wore clogs. 35% shooting, the Raptors thought that was swell.
OG Anunoby - Only famous because he is Chigbo Anunoby's brother. Original Gangster A New Nobody, who comes up with these names?
Alfonzo McKinnie - Not the guy on Happy Days.
C.J. Miles - The Ontario government demanded he change his name to C.J. Kilometres.
Kyle Lowry - Reminds most fans of an unfit, slower, uglier, shorter, overweight Raymond Felton. Raptors got him by trading a draft pick, but then that team traded the same draft pick to acquire James Harden. Lowry or James Harden, the concensus opinion may be wrong, but it looks like the Raptors stunk up the league with that result. Harden is better. The Raptors signed Jared Sullinger after they saw him standing next to Lowry, and they thought that Sullinger was a slim, athletic beast of a superstar player. The Raptors gave Lowry US$30million a year, in free agency they were bidding against themselves, and lost.
Sergei Baka - Some people think he is a decade younger than Thon Maker, which means he may be the second-oldest player in the NBA. His full name is Sergeballu LaMu Sayonga Loom Walahas Jonas Hugo Ibaka, maybe. Every team in the NBA would rather have Victor Oladipo and Domantas Sabonis than him, except for the Raptors. He really struggled last season after he arrived in Toronto on US$12million so the Raptors are now paying him around $22million. This is the same city that built a SkyDome for $1billion and then sold it for $25million.
Make that move, right now, blow up this disaster and rebuild, a disgrace to the NBA. There was a time when division banners were meaningless, but they are thought of in an even lesser light these days.
The 10 Greatest Moments In Toronto Basketball History
1 The New York Knickerbockers defeated the Toronto Huskies. The Huskies are the most successful NBA team from Toronto.
2 The Philadelphia 76ers defeated the Toronto Raptors, 1996. Loss 61 of the season.
3 The Philadelphia 76ers defeated the Toronto Raptors, 1998. Loss 66 of the season.
4 The Chicago Bulls defeated the Toronto Raptors, 2006. Loss results in top pick, which results in Bargnani, a loss.
5 The Brooklyn Nets defeated the Toronto Raptors, Game 7 2014. Paul Pierce is heroic against foul-mouthed fools.
6 The Washington Wizards defeated the Toronto Raptors, Game 4 2015. Paul Pierce is heroic, sweeping the foul-mouthed fools.
7 Raptors trade for Eric Montross, February 22, 2001.
8 The Boston Celtics defeated the Toronto Raptors, April 2010. Chris Bosh, watches the game, decides to leave Toronto.
9 The Detroit Pistons defeated the Toronto Raptors, December 8, 2004. Vince Carter with 5 points. Next game, he gets 23 for the Nets.
10 The Boston Celtics defeated the Toronto Raptors, April 4, 2015. Smart hits the game-winner, The Kelly Olynyk scores 16. Bruno Caboclo is DNP-CD.
Work it out, it's never too late, shut this thing down, or relocate them. Seattle, Vancouver, St. Louis, Buffalo, Sheboygan, or move them and rename them and they can be the fish that saved Pittsburgh. Of course, fish can't save Toronto, they are dead and on the shores of Lake Ontario. You just can't tell where the stench is emanating from, the ugly-ball team or the nearby dead fish.
A horrible place, worst city to see a game and worst venue, by far. An empty Palace of Auburn Hills had more atmosphere and better fans. You will feel safer in Compton than you will around Le Air Canada Center, which is being renamed Le ScottyBank Arena soon. Now, I have only been to Compton during the day, but that still stands. Air Canada may also be one of the worst airlines around, not fun. A flight on Air Canada, they announce they will fly higher to go faster, a minute later they serve the food, a minute later they announce they are taking back the food as flying higher means turbulence. They took my food away, I am still hungry, but probably better than the Air Canada flights that run out of fuel. They blame that on the Metric System. CP Air, they were very pleasant to me.
Sunday afternoon games are quite good compared to their other games, for scheduling and attending, as you don't want to be around there at night. It is like a horror movie, a disgusting example of society. Walk to a Celtics game, take the train there, happy times. The "scariest" people I ever saw on a train at night after a Celtics game were Red Sox fans. In Toronto, nobody speaks English, and it seems they are either unconscious drug addicts or semi-conscious drug dealers. They surround the venue, like seagulls around a dumpster in the Jack In A Box carpark. In Canada this is "normal", they call it "a cosmopolitan neighborhood", as fans would have to step over addicts to get to games in Vancouver too, but I never saw this around Key Arena which was a short drive down I-5. This is weird, in Vancouver if you buy TimBits they taste very nice, but if you order the exact same flavors in Ontario they taste quite strange. Edible, but strange.
Also, people in Le Air Canada Centre smoke, during games and other events. It smells like the 1970s. Probably not the reason the Raptors always choke in the playoffs, but it can't help them.
What about their PJ Tucker obsession? Over 11 years, the Raptors spent three second rounders on him, for 41 games player. Two other NBA teams, and eight other pro teams, just signed him up for some money but the Raptors just kept throwing draft picks at him. Then again, when the Raptors just sign a player with some money, they end up with someone like prime Linas Kleiza. If he was in his prime when shooting 33% for Toronto, lucky they didn't get not-in-his-prime Linas Kleiza. Then again, if Linas Kleiza was on the current Toronto roster, the fools at the Toronto Star would be demanding his inclusion on the All-Star Game roster. Then again, Linas Kleiza is an All-Star compared to their current players.
The Raptors always like to come up with outlandish statements, "best fans", "best game experience", "best celebrities". Eugene Levy, Mike Vanderjagt, Joe Nieuwendyk and Carlos Delgado, a franchise that brags about these people getting free front row tickets to pretend to be fans is not a real sports franchise.
Buying food and beverages at a Raptors game, save your money and buy something elsewhere that actually tastes good. A hot dog costs Ca$16 which is a good price, as that is around US$1. I bought a large beverage, but they wouldn't give me a cup. I said, "May I please have a cup". They said, "There hasn't been a Cup in Toronto since the NHL expanded to more than six teams".
You may wonder how such a famous franchise, remember that Jose Calderon is the third highest Raptor for Win Shares in a single season, can be so terrible. You may wonder how such a storied team, Terrence Ross is tied for their most points in a game and Charlie Villanueva is tied for second place, can be so terrible. You may wonder how such an intelligent organization, they used first round picks on Rafael Araujo and Joey Graham and Aleksandar Radojevic, can be so terrible. Some there blame Darryl Sittler, they curse him for everything that goes wrong, but the reason why they are terrible is because they are terrible.
A night to remember, that first Raptors NBA game. Such a big moment, and all downhill since then. What a game, Yinka Dare versus Acie Earl in the paint, future Celtics Zan Tabak and P.J Brown going against each other, that was when the Raptors were much better than now, nearly newsworthy. Of course, not long before that was when the Raptors came crashing down, having been dealt a crushing blow, something that they and their fans never recovered from. To this day, they lament. To this day, they moan and cry about what the Celtics did to them. The Raptors, all dressed in childish purple, were going to build on the big steal of the expansion draft, Doug Smith. The 6-10 forward, a legend in Missouri, would have made the Raptors relevant, a future contender, the biggest thing in the city, or HogTown, a wonderful nickname the locals bestowed on the area to inform everyone how attractive the local women were. No, someone didn't let that happen, and one story is a local journalist didn't want to be upstaged and demanded the Raptors release the player. Doug Smith would then sign with Boston and go down as one of the greats of the Celtics.
I have met many people from Toronto in Boston going to see the Celtics, have never met any Celtics fans at Raptors games in Toronto. The Raptors fans seem so happy when they are in Boston, like OJ walking out the prison door or some unknown Cuban who floats on a beach ball to Florida and gets signed by the Yankees for $15million the second he gets on the beach. The Celtics fans who travel, maybe they know something I know, going to a game in Toronto is a very bad idea. I look forward to the day when the Raptors return to the Central Division, don't you need the Atlantic Ocean to be in the Atlantic Division?
They don't even have a coach, just some guy who stands there and flips a coin. If the Loonie lands on the floating bird, Lowry gets to dribble for 20 seconds and take a bad shot. If the Loonie lands on Her Majesty the Queen in Right of Canada, DeMar gets to hold the ball in the low-post for 20 seconds and try to get an undeserved foul call and two free throws. This is ugly-ball.
But it has always been ugly-ball. Alvin Williams running a team? Doug Christie's wife's husband being the star player? Tracy McGrady getting power forward minutes? Tracy Murray trying to play defense? Marcus Camby trying to pretend he cared? Jerome Williams trying to score? Hakeem Olajuwon trying to remember how he used to play the game? A team can be a hopeless loser but still have a fun identity, like the high-scoring Denver Nuggets or the putting-in-effort Memphis Grizzlies or the Larry Bird-was-here Indiana Pacers, but ugly-ball is just ugly.
The worst thing that ever happened to me was going to Raptors games. The NBA's fault, it was marketed as the NBA, but that was sort of wrong as only the visiting team was that. The second-worst thing, walking along the sidewalk in Etobicoke and past a garden that just put out lots of manure. The third-worst, choosing to go from Detroit to Windsor one day. It was like going to another country, but it wasn't really Canada, they didn't speak English or French. Raptors games, just ugly. The venue, the team, the knowledge of the local fans. They don't even understand something as simple as a clock, and a game being over. Watched a game there when they lost, the clock was 0.00, the buzzer had gone a few seconds ago, some silly Raptor, maybe Mo Pete or Jorge Garbajosa, threw the ball in the basket, the crowd erupted like the Argonauts had just won the Grey Cup. Go home clock-challenged people, you lost, stop cheering. It was the only noise the crowd made that night, they were probably quiet all that time as they tried to figure out which team was the Raptors, and where the ice rink had gone. They named their team after a forgotten dinosaur movie, we can't expect expert sports knowledge.
Why would anyone watch a Raptors game? Let them lose, hope they win twice this season against the Lakers, forget about them. Win against the Lakers, that could be tough for them, they let some player out of high school score 81 points against them, so maybe defeating the lowly Lakers is too hard for them.
What will happen first in the world, Ben Simmons will hit a 3-pointer or the Raptors will win the championship? Both seem impossible, but if you had to pick one, even though it is so unlikely, you would pick Simmons hitting a 3.
If you have the time, find my petition.com petition which is a petition to petition the NBA to contract teams. At least one team. Sign it, or if you are Canadian just put an X there where you should sign your name. The sooner some of the unwatchable and unviable teams are out, like the Raptors, the more enjoyable the sport will be.
There it is. What took us so long, to see that Stern's stupid experiment of foreign expansion was stupid?
How lucky you all are, living in an era when he is the "Face of Basketball in Canada".
