Jason Varitek Facts Redux

[Basketball Jesus]

With the fate of our intepidly intangible catcher’s Red Sox career possibly coming to an end, it seemed like a good time to revisit a paean to one of the greatest that ever played the game. Since the original “Jason Varitek Facts” thread was lost during the major board upgrade, below is an accurate reposting of that original thread.

A quick explanation: these facts came about during the 2005-2006 offseason when a friend and I were discussing over email Varitek’s worth to the club. Obviously riffing on the “Chuck Norris Facts” theme, we came up with a comprehensive list of things you might not know about Jason Varitek. Why? Because if a no-talent assclown like Chuck Norris can have his own list, why not the Greatest Red Sock to Ever Play the Game?

Jason Varitek Facts

1. Jason Varitek doesn't have a chin. Behind his goatee lies more intangibles.

2. If you can see Jason Varitek, he can see you. If you can't see Jason Varitek you may be only seconds away from being gunned down at first.

3. Varitek once went 4-4 with five RBIs in one at-bat.

4. Varitek doesn't call for pitches; he simply looks at the batter and waits for them to tell him what they can't hit.

5. Jason Varitek can calculate intangibles.

6. Jason Varitek doesn't take steroids; it'd only make him weaker.

7. Jason Varitek built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Tek stopped all three bullets with his glove, catching them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

8. Every time Jason Varitek sacrifice bunts, the other team is charged an out.

9. Jason Varitek is such a leader that he got Sandy Koufax to pitch on Yom Kippur

10. Varitek doesn't block the plate; opposing players wait to be tagged out, fearing his glove to their face.

11. Jason Varitek delivered himself as a baby because he could not trust anybody other than the best in the world to catch him when he came out.

12. Jason Varitek doesn't sacrifice bunt, it's just his way of telling the ball that sometime you just gotta lay the f*ck down.

13. Baseball Prospectus rated Varitek's intangibles as having the highest VORP of all time, but Varitek was too humble to let them post it.

14. Doug Mirabelli caught Tim Wakefield because every time Tim tried to throw Tek a knuckler, the ball would be too afraid of making Jason wait for it that it'd travel in a straight line.

15. Jason Varitek appeared in the EA Sports MVP Baseball video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every game he caught caused the pitcher to throw a perfect game. When asked about this "glitch," Varitek replied, "That's no glitch."

16. Jason Varitek doesn't need hair gel, his hair stands up to respect his intangibles.

17. Jason Varitek once attended all his nephew's Little League games. The team's ERA was lowered by a full two points that year.

18. Jason Varitek has never been upset that his name hasn't come up as a Most Valuable Player candidate. Varitek doesn't "play" baseball. Children play; Varitek does.

19. Women don't actually find Varitek attractive; they say that just to keep him from putting his glove in their face.

20. Bill James came up with a formula that proved that intangibles do not factor into the game of baseball. Upon hearing this, Jason Varitek sprang into action, putting the glove to Bill's face and then using his flat top to shred the evidence.

21. Jason Varitek once threw out a runner moving from the on-deck circle to the batter’s box.

22. The Royals are so scared of Jason Varitek that they forfeit every season before spring training even begins.

23. Jason Varitek once threw out a runner in the Boston Marathon. Her name: Rosie Ruiz.

24. Jason Varitek's face was originally intended to be on Mt. Rushmore, but the sculptors had such a hard time re-creating perfection that they just gave up and made Abe Lincoln instead.

25. Pitches don't actually curve; they roll over and play dead in fear of Varitek's bat.

26. Due to strong statistical evidence suggesting so, Bill James created a new pitching stat called JVARA: Jason Varitek Allowed Run Average.

27. Varitek calls such a great game that he even lowers the ERA of the opposing pitchers.

28. Recalling his days as a pimp, Varitek baby-powdered his glove before shoving it in A-Rod's face.

29. An umpire once tried to tell Jason Varitek that a pitch he caught was a ball and not a strike. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

30. Jason Varitek is such a leader, he convinced Jim Abbott to become a pitcher despite only having one hand and little talent.

31. Jason Varitek only operates at two speeds; walk and home run trot.

32. When asked by Dan Shaughnessey why he didn't throw a punch like Fisk would have, Varitek knocked his afro off with one swipe of his mighty glove.

33. An iceberg didn't sink the Titanic; Jason Varitek did. He did it because he felt there should be no better ship in the world than leadership.

34. Theo Epstein once tried to trade Jason Varitek for Carlos Beltran, Pedro Martinez, David Wright, Jose Reyes, Billy Wagner, and Paul LoDuca but Jason Varitek found out before it could be consummated and hit Theo with a glove to the face. Theo had no other option but to trade Andy Marte to the Indians for Coco Crisp.

35. Varitek OPS+ infinity....twice

36. Boston erected the Green Monster because they knew someday Jason Varitek would put the bar patrons' lives on Lansdowne Street at risk with his line drives.

37. If you ask Varitek what time is it he'll say "Two seconds until" and if you ask "two seconds until what?" he hits you with a glove to the face.

38. When told that he had a mediocre CERA, Jason Varitek repeatedly gloved Theo Epstein's face until he resigned, then threatened Ben Cherington and Jed Hoyer until they traded for Josh Beckett.


39. Jason Varitek never swings and misses unintentionally; there are only baseballs that he allows to live.


40. The only reason David Wells pitched a perfect game because Varitek was watching it on TV.

41. Ted Williams once hit a home run 502 feet to right field. This is why there is a red seat in the bleachers. Jason Varitek once hit a long home run as well. This is why the Golden Gate Bridge is red.

42. Jason Varitek once tried out for the Boston Bruins as a goalie. Wearing nothing but his catcher's mask and glove, he proceeded to stop every single shot in his direction with his immense talent and intangibles, which then prompted GM Mike O'Connell to automatically trade him to the St. Louis Blues for a second-stringer and few hockey sticks. This so incensed Varitek that when he arrived in St. Louis, he took out his aggression on the St. Louis Gateway Obelisk, bending it into an arch. It remains there to this day, a testament to what happens when you make Jason Varitek mad.

43. Alex Rodriguez originally wanted to play for the U.S. in the World Baseball Classic, but after receiving an anonymous envelope in the mail containing a picture of a catcher's glove in it, he switched allegiances to the Dominican Republic, only to receive another anonymous envelope with a picture in it. He finally decided that it'd be best to play for the Americans. Rumors abound as to what the other picture may have been; some claim it contained a picture of David Ortiz with a human-sized jar of his mango salsa.

44. Jason Varitek, taking inspiration from Bronson Arroyo, released his own CD called Smell the Glove. The album cover originally showed a picture of Varitek shoving a catcher's mitt into the face of a greased naked woman on all fours with a dog collar around her neck, but the record company did not release the album because they decided the cover was too awesome.

45. Jason Varitek once hit a HR in Fenway, and then caught it five days later on a road trip in Chicago. After being ruled out retroactively five days ago, Varitek gloved the face of the umpire until the call was overturned.

46. The real reason that Pete Rose isn't in the Hall of Fame is because Jason Varitek holds the writers at glovepoint during the voting.

47. Jason Varitek was given a pass directly into the Hall of Fame upon birth, but no one has seen his plaque because it's in a special wing that only people with his level of intangibles can enter. So far, only Varitek has seen the inside of that wing.

48. Jason Varitek once called a no-hitter in cricket.

49. In 1987, Mike Tyson went down with the flu before a match. Don King, not wanting to lose money, quickly substituted Varitek in his place. Tyson's crew thought everyone would notice, particularly when Varitek showed up wearing two catcher's mitts, but when his opponent was knocked out in the first round, everyone assumed it was Iron Mike.

50. Coincidentally, Nintendo wanted to put Jason Varitek in the Mike Tyson's Punchout game, but felt that it would be unfair to have two players in the game that could knock you out with a single punch. They also had a hard time figuring out how to display Varitek's intense intangible attack.

51. Varitek was once his by a pitch in a game and the results were so violent that MLB sent the original copy of the game to George Lucas' studios to have Izzy Alcantara put in his place and used CGI to edit the blood and massive glove to the face decapitations. All those who claimed they have seen the original have had their memory wiped by the government.

[Prophet_C]

Chuck Norris>Varitek

/thread