OT: General Off Topic Thread [No Politics, Race, Religion, etc.]

[Ryan5UW]

Found out today that my dad has stage 4 cancer in several areas of his body. Feels like my whole world just crashed down on my head. Anyone who’s been through this before have any advice on things they did or wish they would have done? I don’t want to look back on this time and think “damn, why didn’t I think to do ______?”

[MickeyDavis]

Very sorry to hear that Ryan. I lost my dad almost 20 years ago. I don't know if you live near him but just spend as much time as you can with him. Laugh. Remember all the great times. There is no easy way to get through something like this. I don't know if you are a religious person but a minister or priest can often offer great comfort.

[MikeIsGood]

Found out today that my dad has stage 4 cancer in several areas of his body. Feels like my whole world just crashed down on my head. Anyone who’s been through this before have any advice on things they did or wish they would have done? I don’t want to look back on this time and think “damn, why didn’t I think to do ______?”

****. I'm sorry I don't have any supportive advice, but wanted to share all the good energy I could. Wishing y'all the best navigating this and staying strong.

[Ryan5UW]

Thanks guys, I appreciate the thoughts and kind words.

I can work remotely, so I’m planning on spending quite a bit of time visiting my parents and working there, helping out and spending as much time as I can with him, and my mom. My mom is going to have their pastor come by the house next week, so that’ll be nice too.

[GoldenAntlers]

Found out today that my dad has stage 4 cancer in several areas of his body. Feels like my whole world just crashed down on my head. Anyone who’s been through this before have any advice on things they did or wish they would have done? I don’t want to look back on this time and think “damn, why didn’t I think to do ______?”

Sending love man, that really sucks.

2 years ago we found out my Dad had an advanced and aggressive brain cancer. Everything happened so fast and the process felt like an eternity at the same time.

Have the conversations you need to have now. That's the big one. I feel blessed that he and I had enough time to properly say goodbye, but it helped that I drove back every weekend and made a point to do so. I would encourage you not to wait.

Sometimes the conversations didn't require any words.

He was a big hunter, but he lost a great deal of mobility rather rapidly, so to give him his nature fix I took him for country drives. It was easy for him to open up in the car.

Even just hearing stories of the random townspeople he knew and where they lived and who their kids were, your own family history, his personal history...the type of stuff your father said a million times growing up that you never gave much attention to, but when you are realizing it may be the last time you hear those stories, they become fascinating and are easily seen in a new light.

We recorded many of the conversations. I still haven't been able to go through them, but they are there for when I'm ready and the time is right.

One thing that was made clear to me by the time he passed was that no matter how big of a **** up I thought I must have been in his eyes, the thought never seemed to have actually crossed his mind.

Obviously, everyone has a different relation with their Dad, but hopefully something here will be of use to you. There's not really anything we can do to prepare for something like this. Find reasons to laugh with eah other and don't get too lost in emotion that you forget to make the most of the moments you still have together.

It's okay to shed tears. Think I might let a few drop myself.

[Ryan5UW]

Found out today that my dad has stage 4 cancer in several areas of his body. Feels like my whole world just crashed down on my head. Anyone who’s been through this before have any advice on things they did or wish they would have done? I don’t want to look back on this time and think “damn, why didn’t I think to do ______?”

Sending love man, that really sucks.

2 years ago we found out my Dad had an advanced and aggressive brain cancer. Everything happened so fast and the process felt like an eternity at the same time.

Have the conversations you need to have now. That's the big one. I feel blessed that he and I had enough time to properly say goodbye, but it helped that I drove back every weekend and made a point to do so. I would encourage you not to wait.

Sometimes the conversations didn't require any words.

He was a big hunter, but he lost a great deal of mobility rather rapidly, so to give him his nature fix I took him for country drives. It was easy for him to open up in the car.

Even just hearing stories of the random townspeople he knew and where they lived and who their kids were, your own family history, his personal history...the type of stuff your father said a million times growing up that you never gave much attention to, but when you are realizing it may be the last time you hear those stories, they become fascinating and are easily seen in a new light.

We recorded many of the conversations. I still haven't been able to go through them, but they are there for when I'm ready and the time is right.

One thing that was made clear to me by the time he passed was that no matter how big of a **** up I thought I must have been in his eyes, the thought never seemed to have actually crossed his mind.

Obviously, everyone has a different relation with their Dad, but hopefully something here will be of use to you. There's not really anything we can do to prepare for something like this. Find reasons to laugh with eah other and don't get too lost in emotion that you forget to make the most of the moments you still have together.

It's okay to shed tears. Think I might let a few drop myself.

Thanks for sharing this. A lot of this hit home, but when I got to the part about thinking you were a **** up in his eyes, I started crying. That’s actually something I’ve been thinking about a lot tonight. One of my biggest regrets is that my marriage failed and I never got a chance to make him a grandpa. He was great with my ex wife’s daughter so I know he would have been an amazing grandpa, but I couldn’t make it happen and that tears me apart.

Good call about recording some conversations, I might do that. He’s starting to lose his voice a bit, I wish I would have thought to do that sooner so they’d have been in his voice that I’ll always remember.

[humanrefutation]

Found out today that my dad has stage 4 cancer in several areas of his body. Feels like my whole world just crashed down on my head. Anyone who’s been through this before have any advice on things they did or wish they would have done? I don’t want to look back on this time and think “damn, why didn’t I think to do ______?”

I'm so sorry to hear this, Ryan. Sending you and your family my love and prayers.

[Ryan5UW]

Found out today that my dad has stage 4 cancer in several areas of his body. Feels like my whole world just crashed down on my head. Anyone who’s been through this before have any advice on things they did or wish they would have done? I don’t want to look back on this time and think “damn, why didn’t I think to do ______?”

I'm so sorry to hear this, Ryan. Sending you and your family my love and prayers.

Thanks, I'll take them. I appreciate it.

[Licensed to Il]

So sorry to hear your tragic news. I lost my dad, and my wife lost her mom, all in the last four years. I also do grief counseling. Here are some thoughts:

- spend as much time with your dad as is feasible for the two of you

- learn to identify shame and guilt, and don’t let it map out or restrict your conversations or behaviors. Your dad loves you profoundly and you love him. Talk about the stuff on your heart, but don’t hide in shadows. Love is a light that can eliminate remorse and regret

- someone said you don’t always need words and that’s accurate. Go for a drive. Play the top 10 songs from his junior year of high school. Make his favorite meal. Read together. Presence is a gift.

- Try to talk through things that would benefit from resolution, but don’t feel everything will have balance and closure. To grieve deeply means you loved fully, and you and your dad (and family) are all entangled in mourning and loss but of course there is still a chapter or two for you all together to relish.. like.. as awful as this diagnosis is, you still have good and new memories together in the upcoming months

- take good advice, flush the bad. No one has everything figured out. Most people mean well. Forgive the ignorant and naive for saying the wrong or insensitive things

- Recognize grief displaces/pushes our emotions. You won’t have full control of your emotions for quite some time. But that doesn't mean grief is wrong or bad

- Recognize each day as a gift, be present, love the best you can. Give grace

- Im pretty sure your dad considers you (and siblings? And your mom?) his greatest legacy. Remember memories, celebrate jokes and family traditions, recollect, champion each other, keep lists of the things that stir you

In summary, push through the awkward and the uncertainty of how to act and what to say with sensitive but intentional love. There is a beautiful chapter ahead. Bittersweet sure. Embrace it all. Know you are not alone in loss.

[Ryan5UW]

So sorry to hear your tragic news. I lost my dad, and my wife lost her mom, all in the last four years. I also do grief counseling. Here are some thoughts:

- spend as much time with your dad as is feasible for the two of you

- learn to identify shame and guilt, and don’t let it map out or restrict your conversations or behaviors. Your dad loves you profoundly and you love him. Talk about the stuff on your heart, but don’t hide in shadows. Love is a light that can eliminate remorse and regret

- someone said you don’t always need words and that’s accurate. Go for a drive. Play the top 10 songs from his junior year of high school. Make his favorite meal. Read together. Presence is a gift.

- Try to talk through things that would benefit from resolution, but don’t feel everything will have balance and closure. To grieve deeply means you loved fully, and you and your dad (and family) are all entangled in mourning and loss but of course there is still a chapter or two for you all together to relish.. like.. as awful as this diagnosis is, you still have good and new memories together in the upcoming months

- take good advice, flush the bad. No one has everything figured out. Most people mean well. Forgive the ignorant and naive for saying the wrong or insensitive things

- Recognize grief displaces/pushes our emotions. You won’t have full control of your emotions for quite some time. But that doesn't mean grief is wrong or bad

- Recognize each day as a gift, be present, love the best you can. Give grace

- Im pretty sure your dad considers you (and siblings? And your mom?) his greatest legacy. Remember memories, celebrate jokes and family traditions, recollect, champion each other, keep lists of the things that stir you

In summary, push through the awkward and the uncertainty of how to act and what to say with sensitive but intentional love. There is a beautiful chapter ahead. Bittersweet sure. Embrace it all. Know you are not alone in loss.

This was great, thank you for the thoughts and advice. There are definitely some things I’m going to struggle with, I hope I’m able to let myself enjoy and remember all the great positive things instead of focusing on the things I regret and wish I would have handled differently. I appreciate the time and thoughts and kindness you, and everyone, has put into the advice and well wishes and everything.

[stellation]

Found out today that my dad has stage 4 cancer in several areas of his body. Feels like my whole world just crashed down on my head. Anyone who’s been through this before have any advice on things they did or wish they would have done? I don’t want to look back on this time and think “damn, why didn’t I think to do ______?”

I’m very sorry to hear this, brother. I lost my dad suddenly/unexpectedly last year, the excellent advice you’ve already been given here of spending as much time with him as you can is really the best thing I can think of- most “I wish…” thoughts that plague me might have been addressed by just hanging out with the silly bugger a bit more. Do what you can, but try not to distress yourself by doing everything at once.

One thing that has given me a lot of comfort is my dad was a keen reader, amongst others he really enjoyed John Le Carre and Ian Rankin’s Rebus series. I’ve been slowly working through them and I feel closer to him when I am reading them. We talked a lot about football, movies, music and politics- I would have enjoyed chatting to him about these books, but I’m okay that we didn’t get to. If you get a chance maybe ask him about the things that interested him over the years that you might not know about, because he left us suddenly I didn’t get to ask about other authors (I do at least have his books to look through) but knew about these ones.

[Ryan5UW]

Found out today that my dad has stage 4 cancer in several areas of his body. Feels like my whole world just crashed down on my head. Anyone who’s been through this before have any advice on things they did or wish they would have done? I don’t want to look back on this time and think “damn, why didn’t I think to do ______?”

I’m very sorry to hear this, brother. I lost my dad suddenly/unexpectedly last year, the excellent advice you’ve already been given here of spending as much time with him as you can is really the best thing I can think of- most “I wish…” thoughts that plague me might have been addressed by just hanging out with the silly bugger a bit more. Do what you can, but try not to distress yourself by doing everything at once.

One thing that has given me a lot of comfort is my dad was a keen reader, amongst others he really enjoyed John Le Carre and Ian Rankin’s Rebus series. I’ve been slowly working through them and I feel closer to him when I am reading them. We talked a lot about football, movies, music and politics- I would have enjoyed chatting to him about these books, but I’m okay that we didn’t get to. If you get a chance maybe ask him about the things that interested him over the years that you might not know about, because he left us suddenly I didn’t get to ask about other authors (I do at least have his books to look through) but knew about these ones.

Thanks man, and I’m sorry about your dad too. This is actually great, my dad loves to read, he’s always picking up his Kindle and reading something. He also keeps a pretty detailed list of books and authors he likes and doesn’t, I’ll have to get a copy of that. I’m planning on asking my parents for a Kindle for Christmas, I think that’s something that’ll help me feel close to him in the future.

[ReasonablySober]

Really sorry, man. I've got nothing to offer in terms of wisdom here, I'm just pulling for you and your Pops.

[MartyConlonOnTheRun]

Found out today that my dad has stage 4 cancer in several areas of his body. Feels like my whole world just crashed down on my head. Anyone who’s been through this before have any advice on things they did or wish they would have done? I don’t want to look back on this time and think “damn, why didn’t I think to do ______?”

No real advice besides milk it the way it should. Don't be afraid to tell friends and co workers you are not available. Make it up later but spend the time in a way you value the most. You can always work more later or repay favors.

[Ryan5UW]

Really sorry, man. I've got nothing to offer in terms of wisdom here, I'm just pulling for you and your Pops.

I appreciate it, thank you.

[Ryan5UW]

Found out today that my dad has stage 4 cancer in several areas of his body. Feels like my whole world just crashed down on my head. Anyone who’s been through this before have any advice on things they did or wish they would have done? I don’t want to look back on this time and think “damn, why didn’t I think to do ______?”

No real advice besides milk it the way it should. Don't be afraid to tell friends and co workers you are not available. Make it up later but spend the time in a way you value the most. You can always work more later or repay favors.

Yeah, that's absolutely something I'm going to be doing. We get "unlimited" PTO and I've historically been bad about taking days off, that's definitely going to change for awhile.

[Gianstoppable]

Found out today that my dad has stage 4 cancer in several areas of his body. Feels like my whole world just crashed down on my head. Anyone who’s been through this before have any advice on things they did or wish they would have done? I don’t want to look back on this time and think “damn, why didn’t I think to do ______?”

So so sorry to hear this. 4 years ago my sister was having what she thought was a stomach bug, after going in from being unable to comfortably use the rest room she was told she had a large tumor in her colon and surgery would only relieve pain, the cancer spread to her liver, stomach, kidneys and hip.

Doctors told her she would win some battles but lose the war. I was devastated but as the doctors told her she had 2 years max I could see her eyes light up. She almost seemed accepting in a way that was so admirable. After that she changed her diet and made a mission to do more fun stuff and experiences with her daughter. We lose her last year but she made it almost 4 years until last September. We got to hang out more than usual (only live 90 mins away) and we are such an extremely close family we all had great memories made during this time. My sister was such a kind soul and the life of the party and had the most contagious laugh I still hear it sometimes. We all have no regrets because she just seemed like she understood it was her time even though she passed at 40. She had an amazing support group and was so loved, we had a benefit for her to put money into her daughter's trust (she just turned 17 Thursday)

Long story short, just be there. Have experiences, learn more about him. Make as many memories as possible and just enjoy life because every day is just a bonus day essentially. Make him comfortable and understand if they need time. It will be the hardest thing you've endured most likely but they dont want you time have that on your shoulders so just stay positive and your mind will understand a lot easier, at least that worked for me as best as it can. Hopefully he can make a full recovery if hes not terminal, my 70 year old neighbor just made a full recovery from stage 4 3 years ago and he is doing better than I've ever seen! Best of health to you and your family

[KidA24]

Ryan, so sorry to hear about your Dad. Listen to all the wonderful advice given here. I went through this in the summer of 2024 and it was horrible, and I still have those moments where I pick up the phone to call Dad and then realize he isn't with us anymore.

Some things I haven't seen mentioned that we did that really helped us:

Make sure all of his financials are in order. When my mom passed suddenly in 2020, she had a condo which was in her name only, it took 3 years to go through Florida probate (yay lawyers) all because she didn't have my dad's name on the property. This is one of those times where hiring a financial advisor and getting things setup properly for your parents is well worth it. They can also help find ways to protect your mom's assets from being taken if medical debt gets out of control (yay, America!)

Have a talk with your dad about how he wants to be celebrated. My dad insisted he "Didn't want a **** funeral. Throw me a party." That's what we did. Knowing his wishes gave us something to focus on and carry out.

With something like this, his physical health can change rapidly so do the things he can do now that he wants to do before everything becomes much more difficult.

[jschligs]

I can't provide any advice, but thinking of you and your family. I'm so sorry to hear. This board is pretty amazing with advice and at support as well (I posted quite a bit last year during some hardships). Awesome group of people here to lean on.

[stellation]

Ryan, so sorry to hear about your Dad. Listen to all the wonderful advice given here. I went through this in the summer of 2024 and it was horrible, and I still have those moments where I pick up the phone to call Dad and then realize he isn't with us anymore.

Some things I haven't seen mentioned that we did that really helped us:

Make sure all of his financials are in order. When my mom passed suddenly in 2020, she had a condo which was in her name only, it took 3 years to go through Florida probate (yay lawyers) all because she didn't have my dad's name on the property. This is one of those times where hiring a financial advisor and getting things setup properly for your parents is well worth it. They can also help find ways to protect your mom's assets from being taken if medical debt gets out of control (yay, America!)

Have a talk with your dad about how he wants to be celebrated. My dad insisted he "Didn't want a **** funeral. Throw me a party." That's what we did. Knowing his wishes gave us something to focus on and carry out.

With something like this, his physical health can change rapidly so do the things he can do now that he wants to do before everything becomes much more difficult.

Excellent advice on getting financials in order. Our experience has been that lots of things were just harder than they should be- even down to just getting the home phone changed from dad's to mum's name was far more complicated than it should have been. Anything that can be done beforehand to make that transition easier is worth it, and I'm sure if we'd had the time to think of it then raise it with dad he absolutely would have said "yes, of course!".

Also- KidA24, one thing I have been meaning to say for what feels like the longest time (but have struggled to, I'm getting overwhelmed typing it now): when you lost your dad you were kind enough to share what you were going through with us on here in a very open and thoughtful manner, and in one of the responses it had inspired AussieBuck to I think plan to play more golf with his own father. I read those posts, on the next weekend I was going to be driving to the other side of Sydney to get something repaired, and was inspired to drive completely out of my way (saying it was "just on the way") and pop in and see my dad and grab breakfast and chat for a bit. We had a lovely time. It was the last time I saw him. Thank you.