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True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons)

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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#46 » by Nivek » Fri Nov 4, 2011 7:47 pm

doclinkin wrote:I envy you your Kukri knives. I do okay myself: I use a Ditch Bank Tool sometimes. Depends on my mission that day. But if I don't need both hands, I like it. It's like a hooked machete on the end of an axe handle. I like the chop and the option for distance


Wouldn't mind one of those ditchbank things. Two problems with a kukri -- 1) it's not very long. Ditchbank lets you keep some distance. 2) The blades do get dull. Found me a sharpener in Fayetville right before they fire-bombed the place. Which was a stupid f*ck thing to do. Only thing kills the Zs is massive head trauma. All the fire-bombing did was set them on fire. Nothing quite like getting chased by a flaming Lewis.

Poncho.


Who woulda thought we could get self-defense techniques from Jamison? Next you're gonna tell me you got marksmanship ideas from DeShawn Stevenson? 'Bout the only thing I got from The Shawn was a blind-ass, fool-hardy self-confidence that damn near got me killed when I came upon a school bus filled with 35 kindergartners. Thought I could liberate the kiddies and get 'em to safety. Only problem: they'd turned. Except, their eyes hadn't got milky yet, dunno why. Maybe something to do with age. Maybe they hadn't been turned long enough.

Oh. The other tip: they don't sell marbles anymore I don't think, but if you can get a case of loose ball bearings from an autoparts store, or crack a supermarket vending machine full of superballs, then you can buy a couple critical seconds if you need it. Slip and slide. Runners don't zigzag all that well, and tend to faceplant if you give them a slippery surface. On tile floors or stairs a squirt of floor polish works pretty well.


Reminds me -- finally found a use for that black gunk that comes out of the Zs when they've been stilled. It's slippery as hell -- almost like motor oil or some...uhhh...personal lubricant. Barnabas figured it out by slipping and falling in the crap. Before the guys at Bragg got him.

Came in handy one night. We thought we had a safe place to rest -- a whole frigging herd marches up on us. We ran like hell, cutting 'em down as we went. Got a good lead on one herd, but when we got to the top of a hill, we saw another one vectoring in. We kept running -- Barnabas lugging like 6 milk jugs full of this black gunk and refusing to put it down. Finally got a cemetery and found a mausoleum. He poured this gack out all over the sidewalk and steps. Then we set up.

The Lewises got there first. Slipping and sliding and falling. WHACK! Dead. So, we got into a rhythm. Practically an industrial operation. Two guys cracking skulls, two guys clearing bodies. We must've slayed 300 Zs that night.

Kev. Funny that you're still flacking for the RV industry. That sounds like the life, what I wouldn't give to just get on the open highway and drive somewhere where there's nobody, and take a deep breath and I don't know, cry or something. I get stuck in my little survival routines and forget there's maybe something else. It's almost like I feel I need the danger to remind myself not to relax. Stay sharp.

Shxt. Hear something. Later. I hope.


Wish I could go back to flacking. Maybe when this is over.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#47 » by Nivek » Fri Nov 4, 2011 7:52 pm

Last thing -- my battery's on E, and I won't be able to recharge until the sun comes up tomorrow.

Anyone out there who hasn't figured it out by now: get a weapon with a blade. Sharp edges. If you can't get one, make one. Figure it out. If you absolutely can't do that, get something solid. Car axle. Steel club hammer. Lawnmower blade. Something.

Do NOT try to use a golf club. The shaft breaks and you're f*cked.

Do NOT try to use a baseball bat -- either aluminum or wood. At least not for long. Craniums are hard, even for a rotting Z. Had this fat-boy we called Mickey with us. Kept telling us what a great hitter he was in softball -- SOFTBALL! Carrying this aluminum bat. He cracked a few skulls when the **** started, but then it got bent and he was swallowed up in minutes. I think Ups put him down later.

Point is -- get yourself some tempered steel with a sharp edge. Don't worry about going straight for the head. Hack off an arm or leg to slow 'em down, then the head trauma.

****, battery's dying.

Last thing, make sure...
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#48 » by Nivek » Tue Nov 15, 2011 8:01 pm

I'm still catting around Bragg while I think about where to go next. Maybe DC. I know it's crap up there, but it's home. Used to be anyway. Maybe head South for the winter. Be nice to know something and not just get rumors and stuff.

Anyway, I was between walking buddies, which means it was just me roaming solo. Advantages and disadvantages, like everything else. Don't have to negotiate where I'm going, but I also don't have anyone to stand watch while I sleep. I wouldn't mind getting a dog. German Shepherd or maybe a mutt with some hound.

So I'm checking out this IGA in Hope Mills, NC that didn't look like it had been too picked over. (Turns out I was wrong about that. Folks just went in the back. I digress.)

I'm coming up Main Street and nature's calling, so I duck into a restaurant that seemed quiet and did what I needed to do. Come out and it's one of those "quiet...too quiet" moments. So I wait. Listening.

Nothing.

Five minutes. Ten.

Still nothing.

Go back outside and there he is. Practically on top of me. Sergeant First Class Porter. Good sized dude -- probably 6-3 and I'm guessing 220 easy. Muscles on top of muscles. Recently turned; no more than a day.

He reaches for me, and I jump back, but he's got my shirt and holy crap this Z is strong. Can't break loose -- my body is tightening up, but I'm still just some schlub office worker. I whip out the khukri and chop, catching him square in the Airborne patch on his shoulder.

Black gunk pours out, but does it stop him? Hell no. I chop again, this time to the wrist. Which works. I mean, his hand was still gripping my shirt, but his hand wasn't attached to his wrist anymore.

I step back, then let rip with a wicked slash straight to the forehead. Fricking khukri breaks. Some gunk comes out of the gash, but he doesn't go down. Doesn't even feel it. Keeps coming.

Whip out the other khukri and take another hack. Same damn thing. Khukri comes apart in my hand.

So, I'm down to nothing. Except what I can find. He comes at me and I sidestep at the last second and leg sweep him. In my head I'm hearing Cosell shout, "Down goes Porter, down goes Porter..."

Before the Z could get back up, I grab a cinder block and smash his skull. The cinder block practically turning to dust. But at least he's moaning. I don't know if those things feel pain, but he wasn't feeling good. I grab up a big-ass rock -- one of those decorative boulder things that's about at the limit of what I can lift -- and CRUNCH. One re-dead zombie.

As I'm getting ready to clear the area, I notice something weird next to the rock. So, I go back and roll it off. And suddenly I know why the khukri broke. Dude must have had a head wound at some point. A big chunk of his skull was titanium.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#49 » by doclinkin » Thu Nov 17, 2011 1:58 pm

Long time no talk. The generator burned out at the Library I'd been haunting for wireless access. Nice flat roof, easy access to climb up, a few exist with no crazy parkour skills needed. The weather has been nice, but really I was putting myself at too much risk too often with this google addiction. Had to traverse a few bad news neighborhoods and had drawn too many deaders into the area by accident.

What's funny is you almost get kinda fond of the familiar faces when you see them day after day. I caught myself talking with them. Hello old Red. Hola, Chica, hold your hands? No, sorry, I'm married, you know. Hey it's Mister Innards again, hello buddy.

You almost go out of your way to catch a glimpse. I may be losing my mind.

There was one I called 'Yard Dog' because the poor idiot had gotten a loop of his guts caught around a parking meter and couldn't walk more than a few feet in any direction. I actually spent a good few minutes on a bike once spiraling in circles just to ensure he was good and wound up tight, stealing six feet of his slack. He'd stand there like snapping at flies, or just staring at me, or you know, coughing, barking the way they kinda do. I got kinda used to that marking point on my periodic commute, I got complacent.

Couple days ago, dunno, he musta hit that state of rot where things didn't hold together so good anymore. Or else I dunno maybe he chewed himself free like a fox in a leghold trap, all's I know is he greeted me in the usual way as I coasted past (kark! hark!) then a few seconds later I'm airborne over a parked car. Set off the car alarm. What saved my life is that, when I looked back before I ran I saw the the idiot was actually biting my back tire, fingers tangled in the chain and spokes. Had a look on his face like satisfaction, like the dog who chases trucks and actually manages to take one down and kill it.

I had the giggles for half a day about that. Kept seeing that face as he'd OM NOM NOM on the rubber tire in evident satisfaction. Happy as a pig in shxt. It's not really funny, but I dunno, you had to be there. Scares me though is that he did it so quiet. Almost like he had a plan. I didn't even hear the slap slap slap of his feet on the tarmac. Just laid out and hit me like Sean Taylor come back. I guess he really hated that bike.

Nivek wrote:I'm still catting around Bragg while I think about where to go next. Maybe DC. I know it's crap up there, but it's home. Used to be anyway. Maybe head South for the winter. Be nice to know something and not just get rumors and stuff.

So I'm checking out this IGA in Hope Mills, NC that didn't look like it had been too picked over. (Turns out I was wrong about that. Folks just went in the back. I digress.)


I dunno man, DC is awful. Just awful. Way too many people, way too few safe places. I try to avoid anything familiar, anywhere that civilization used to be. Grocery stores are the worst. That's a honeytrap you want to dodge. Well, no, the worst is Target or WalMart, places that sell both food and supplies. They're even nastier since they don't have big front windows to let the daylight in. Too many people got suckered in and trapped in the rows. I've gotten pretty adept at running the top of aisles if I have to (I love big barns like Home Depot, where I can get supplies from the storage on top of the row) but in general, anywhere that you feel that tug of 'home' is probably dangerous. Too many people, too much danger.

Okay, where I am right now, I got a working cell tower, and google clearly had a robust AI running things, or an elite team of defenders, I dunno. I'll miss it if we ever lose the good god google. But here I got a solution for you. A direction. Since it's just you and me on here, or BigA if he ain't been eaten yet, I'll let you in on a little secret. What you want is a source of food that people don't generally hit. Especially a place with it's own generator. Not too many windows. Etc. Here's yours: One is 5 hours by bike, the other is 11 hours but better avoids civilization.
http://tinyurl.com/sysco-one" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
http://tinyurl.com/sysco-two" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Sysco, my man, is your Shangri La. Food distribution warehouse. Generally with a diesel powered generator, and a lot full of diesel trucks to siphon from. Usually far from residences in some backwater nowhere. Mostly empty. No windows. You just need to find a hot plate to stick in the break room and you have a home for a while.

just me roaming solo.


Saddest sentence. I'm sorry for your losses, my friend. I've got three fifths of my crew back, and the one thing that most reliably gets me out and about is TP/T&P runs: toilet paper, tampons and pampers. Otherwise I'd sit there in the warehouse and eat frozen veges 'til the lights came back on the world.

Dunno. The wife wants us to look at finding some farmhouse somewhere to fortify. At some point someone else is bound to think up the same strategy we got here. She's more worried about live people than dead ones at this point. There's more than a few bad ideas running around loose out there. Many of the people who are best prepared to survive this thing are the worst kind of people to know. And anyway I got to agree that it makes sense to try to come up with a permanent solution. I was just hoping I guess to wait out the winter in a safe place. Dumb idea maybe. If I land somewhere I'll try to drop a note on here, you can help us build the compound. I'm in Fredneck right now but we may look around at someplace even more rural.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#50 » by doclinkin » Fri May 25, 2012 2:50 am

Bump for nivek
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#51 » by Knighthonor » Fri May 25, 2012 7:57 am

crazy person
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#52 » by Nivek » Tue May 7, 2013 4:43 pm

Can't believe it's been so long since I last had a hot spot. Can't believe the outbreak is still going. Had a good long stretch in one of those gated mansion places in Virginia that used to belong to a Mormon family. No wifi, but plenty of batteries, radios and cooking fuel. Lots of good reading material. Someone loved classical -- had LOADS of stuff by Mozart and Haydn and Hummel. And the food storage. Even had seeds and whatnot, so I could plant a vegetable garden. Felt like Robinson Crusoe or something. Gotta love the Mormons.

Only problem: I was alone. The days just spooled out over and over and over again. And I started thinking about family. Who might have survived. Where they might be. If they needed help. You probably know how it goes. Once you start thinking like that, you can't just stop. Can't distract yourself by reading Hume or something. That voice gets going about how YOU get to live fat, happy and comfortable, but your family...

So I started scouting the area looking for some Internet. But I couldn't find any. No power anywhere. Even if folks had fuel for generators, the smart ones stopped running them a long time ago because the noise brings the Zs. Was hoping I could maybe find someone with a solar setup.

What I did instead was bring a platoon of Zs to my castle. Don't know what's happening wherever you are, but the damn things are getting smarter down my way. They're thinking. Problem solving. Strategizing. Working together. I don't know how they communicate, but...well...they're doing it.

Here's why I'm back on the road. Went out hunting wifi like I'd been doing and stumbled into a cluster of Zs. No problem really -- after awhile, you get good at defending yourself. If the outbreak ever ends, I could probably teach a new martial art or something. Anyway...I laid out four of 'em quick, and all seemed fine. Went on with my wifi hunt (failed) and then headed back home.

Kept feeling like I was being watched as I trekked back, but every time I stopped, I found nothing around. Just chalked it up to that paranoia you get. You know what I'm talking about.

Went inside the house, locked everything up, and went upstairs to unload my gear. Looked out the window and saw her. A mangy little Z standing in the driveway wearing a Hello Kitty nightgown. Feet about rotted off. Before I could move, she did this howl-growl thing and I just knew. Paradise was lost. Down the street, I could see maybe a dozen of the things lurching my way.

Got my emergency pack, got my cleanest gear, my best boots and my best machetes and headed for the back. Except there were like a dozen more. Waiting. Like they KNEW I'd be coming out the back. But here's the thing -- they were in the shadows under the trees by the fence line. I barely saw 'em.

It wasn't long before they were hammering away at all the doors -- front, back, side. Relentless. I could hear the wood splintering. Just a matter of time.

Went back upstairs and got desperate. Opened the window. Threw my pack into the big oak out front. Just as the front door caved, I took a flying leap out the window and just barely made the tree. Gashed open my cheek pretty good -- another inch higher, I'd be a cyclops. The Zs went roaring in while I dragged down my pack and took off. Glad they hadn't thought about a rear guard. Probably will next time.

I'm headed west now. Found a spot with a solar generator and some wifi at the Masonic building here in Cincinnati. The people seem nice enough, but...I dunno man. I've been on my own so long, their rules get on my nerves. I'd almost rather be out there.

Like now. They're telling me I gotta shut down. Why? It's solar. The Zs can't hear me. Rules.

Hope you're safe.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#53 » by Nivek » Wed May 8, 2013 4:25 pm

Knighthonor wrote:crazy person


That's not much of a story.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#54 » by montestewart » Wed May 8, 2013 5:01 pm

Nivek wrote:
Knighthonor wrote:crazy person


That's not much of a story.


But a good start on a haiku. Or it could become one of those "from an idea by" credits you see at the end of movies. Keep it up, Knighthonor.

viewtopic.php?f=35&t=1015414&start=45
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#55 » by doclinkin » Wed Jul 10, 2013 10:23 pm

Peaceful up here.

I'm in the firewatch tower at a Ranger's station. Hiked up the top of the ridge to see if there was a satellite could still get a signal. Not sure if anyone is out there but felt like checking in. Hello world.

Looks pretty from here, I'm going to rest a while before dealing with the assh*le on the ladder below. The hatch door should keep him out, tough to break in one handed and overhead. He almost got me on the way up. This one is a hippie hiker, pretty fresh, and still with the muscle memory to climb, I guess I got casual. I'm a little winded and a little nervous to check if that pain in my leg is a scratch or a bite.

Okay, bite the bullet, here goes.

Happy now: just bruises and chafing. The bastard. Hang on let me deal with him and come right back.

Back. A tip for anyone out there, guns are great but in a pinch if you can get a few lengths of surgical tubing you can make a slingshot that can put a penny through a car door or in this case a half inch bolt through an eyesocket. I'm still hearing the clung clung clungetty platch! of him falling down the tube rails of that hundred foot ladder. The bastard.

The damn hippie types are dangerous since they're usually fresh, knew how to live off the grid and stay in shape. Makes me wonder if there's some sort of compound out here, geodesic dome or mole hole encampment, I've seen three shaggy shamblers this week. But that suggests maybe that compound ain't there any more.

There, is where? West Virginia mountains. Figuring the fewer people the better. We've got a nice sunny patch on a south face, able to grow really well these months, gotten a ton of rain and sun, it's a good year. It's lonely though don't get me wrong and we're running low on maxipads so I suspect I'll have to hop the mountain bike and raid some gas station somewhere. Pretty soon we'll have to figure some other solution. Okay it's gross but let me see if Google is still working:

God bless robust back-up systems. And god bless google. Here's one solution I wish we could still order from amazon. Caution, hilarious but not for the faint of stomach:

http://www.amazon.com/review/R39TB4HUVK8Z6

Anyway bad review and all I feel kinda stupid endangering my life again and again on a maxipad run. When will this disaster ever end? Hard to believe there were that many people in the world for them to keep getting up and walking, even this many months, years? after. I can't keep track. Been a while since we've seen anyone else, I keep wondering if we're the last ones left. Why I risk a trek up the ridge and climb up here where I can be seen for miles if I felt like cranking the hand light. I don't though. I guess I get nostalgic. And bump into a fresh one. So I guess maybe I'm not the last. Just out here in the middle of nowhere. Which is probably what Monongahela means in Powhatan or whatever it was. If you make it out this way leave a note in the Olson fire tower, I'm up there I think once a week since I can still get a signal up this way.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#56 » by JAR69 » Tue Mar 25, 2014 6:45 pm

Not my bag, but made me think of this thread: http://boingboing.net/2014/03/25/disney ... ie-hu.html, http://kasami-sensei.deviantart.com/gallery/48483058. Short stories at the top of the comments of the last three pieces fit nicely in the RealDisney version of this thread.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#57 » by Knighthonor » Tue Mar 25, 2014 7:11 pm

we role playing now?
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#58 » by AFM » Tue Mar 25, 2014 7:35 pm

Yeah, what are you wearing?
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#59 » by McFilthy » Fri Mar 28, 2014 11:29 am

So something a bit strange recently happened. I have been using my old iPhone as an iPod. It went missing, but I was not worried about it as my 5 year old son sometimes hides and hoards things like iPods (We are trying to break him of this habit.) You see, the iPods have games on them, so he feels he can have unfettered access to the games - except you have to enter a code to use the phone. He watches and sometimes figures out my code. If you enter an incorrect code a couple of times, the phone locks you out and is disabled for a certain number of minutes.

So about three weeks pass and I get a UPS package with my old phone inside. No note or explanation. I think okay that's great, but than I notice it is disabled for 23,167,464 minutes. I look at the UPS tracking and it looks like it originated in Minnesota. I have never been to Minnesota.

I have not yet contacted Apple to see if I can get my device working again.

So did someone take my old iPhone and try to figure out my code thousands of times, disabling it for an eternity? If so, how did it get to Minnesota and why would anyone send it back to me? Weird.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#60 » by montestewart » Fri Mar 28, 2014 1:17 pm

McFilthy wrote:So something a bit strange recently happened. I have been using my old iPhone as an iPod. It went missing, but I was not worried about it as my 5 year old son sometimes hides and hoards things like iPods (We are trying to break him of this habit.) You see, the iPods have games on them, so he feels he can have unfettered access to the games - except you have to enter a code to use the phone. He watches and sometimes figures out my code. If you enter an incorrect code a couple of times, the phone locks you out and is disabled for a certain number of minutes.

So about three weeks pass and I get a UPS package with my old phone inside. No note or explanation. I think okay that's great, but than I notice it is disabled for 23,167,464 minutes. I look at the UPS tracking and it looks like it originated in Minnesota. I have never been to Minnesota.

I have not yet contacted Apple to see if I can get my device working again.

So did someone take my old iPhone and try to figure out my code thousands of times, disabling it for an eternity? If so, how did it get to Minnesota and why would anyone send it back to me? Weird.

On a circuitous route, taking the back roads, a stop here, a stop there, hauling lumber, hauling gas, made its way west, made its way north, made some friends along the way, person after person trying to crack the code and give it life again. Then, some wise Mac trucker named iRubberDuck took a crack at solving the riddle. He'd punch in the code, haul him load, and play another tune on his fiddle. He dodged a cop near Petro Stop, and tried it a time or two. Then conceding defeat, he packed it up neat, and sent your phone back to you.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#61 » by doclinkin » Mon Jul 21, 2014 12:31 pm

anyone else got interesting 'true' stories to tell?
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#62 » by doclinkin » Thu Jul 23, 2015 1:15 am

Wifey and girlfriend and all went to the pool together yesterday. Went well enough, for now. We'll go to the beach on Friday, then next week maybe hang with her GF instead.

Stories?
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... 

Post#63 » by doclinkin » Thu Jul 23, 2015 1:15 am

greendale wrote:I had a similar experience on a golf course. Hawks are indeed large and menacing creatures. Even if I were fond of squirrels there was no way I was going to attempt to rescue that squirrel from that hawk.

Another time I came across a young buck eating fruit off a crab apple tree (located between the fairways of numbers one and two on Greendale for those of you who are familiar with it). I decided to see how close I could get to the deer before scaring it off. When I was about 30 yards away, the buck started snorting and pawing the ground without actually looking directly at me. The scare-er became the scare-ee and I quickly began opening range.


I miss greendale, that old coot. Rest well wherever you are, my man.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#64 » by montestewart » Thu Jul 23, 2015 1:44 am

doclinkin wrote:Wifey and girlfriend and all went to the pool together yesterday. Went well enough, for now. We'll go to the beach on Friday, then next week maybe hang with her GF instead.

Stories?

That's a pretty good story. Youse quite the cosmopolitan.
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Re: True story, swear to gawd... (prose and cons) 

Post#65 » by montestewart » Thu Jul 23, 2015 2:14 am

One of my English professors liked abstract and conceptual art, and his office was filled with posters and other artifacts to that end. On his office door was a photo of Joseph Beuys. One day in class, he was diagraming in chalk the predecessors of and successors to English Romantic poetry, who influenced and was influenced by whom, and the chart was getting more and more complicated, more and more unintelligible, more and more abstract. Someone made a comment about the chart beginning to look more like a piece of contemporary art, and I casually added, "That shouldn't be a surprise. He likes Beuys."

The professor whipped his head around, looked right at me, and said, "Excuse me?" The class was silent. I had to work fast.

"Haven't you heard? It's all over campus," was all I could think of. His jaw dropped. After a pause, I said, "Joseph Beuys."

"Joseph Beuys. German artist," he said dryly, then turned around and continued with his drawing. That guy hated me.

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