TORONTO "TOTALLY NOT A TREADMILL TEAM BECAUSE OF THIS 5-0 START" RAPTORS
JONAS VALANCIUNAS - 15.8 PPG /10.4 RPG .60% FG 80% FT
During the summer, Valanciunas sat at the head of his dining room table in his native Lithuania. A grandiose chandelier hung above his head casting a shadow behind him. He rubbed his chin with a cohiba cigar in his other hand, staring at a hand painted picture of Vladimir Putin riding a bear made by none other than Rafael Araujo, and smelling the smells of frikadėlės, blynai and simtalapis wafting around. "Beer me" he said to his mom. His mother handed him a beer, and massaged his back. Clearly noticing all of the stress that his son held in while playing for Dwane Casey. "25 minučių per žaidimą? Ar sušikti rimta? Noriu przystawkę savo sušikti galvą" he said whilst stuffing food into his gullet, spilling down onto his chest. Finally, he broke down, and looked his mother in the eyes. "Mama..." he said with tears falling like Knowshon Moreno, "Why don't... why don't he love me, man?" Well, he's averaging a whopping 4 more minutes this year and he's anchoring his team to a 5-0 record. Will he outdo his double mouthpiece snafu from last year? Will Casey finally accept his long lost son? Will Casey be murdered in his sleep after his next benching episode? Find out on Friday.
PATRICK PATTERSON - 7.8 PPG / 2.8 RPG .42% FG 45% 3PT
If you expect me to write a paragraph about Patrick Patterson, well... you got me ****** up. Just kidding, he seems like a swell guy. The Magic were rumored of wanting him badly last summer, but he chose to hang out around Dundas Square with all of the aggressive homeless people with huge dogs (first hand experience, but the non-homeless of Canada are super nice!). 2PAT apparently grew up in West Virginia, which means he's not above grabbing your balls on a rebound. He's also shooting better on threes than overall FG%, which is a bad sign for the Magic. This is a Prime Magic Killer ™ and is ripe to hit 5 threes while Toronto beats us by 2 points yet again. Anyway, what kind of nickname is 2PAT? Project Patter is so much better. I'll leave you with some lyrics:
Project Pat-ter
Attracted to dime pieces
I'm dirty southern
French braids, gold teeth
I'm out here makin' sense
Plus, I'm out here makin' dollars
I keep a bad broad, though
And a popped collar
DEMARRE CARROLL - 13.0 PPG / 5.6 RPG .36% FG 36% 3PT
Carroll drove past a post-apoctalyptic Atlanta with his foot on the pedal. His Yeezy's almost combusting from the speeds he willed his car to reach. His briefcase juggled millions in the trunk, with hundred dollar bills trailing down the road north. A zombified Kent Bazemore stopped chasing him to collect the money, and Carroll kept a tuft of Dennis Schröder's gold hair hanging from his rearview mirror. A reminder of his first kill -- Schröder turned only a night into the outbreak. Something about Jeff Teague making him walk home after beating him in NBA 2K16.
Anyway, Carroll expected greener pastures, but noticed the sky was always a little too dark in Toronto for the month he'd been there - surely the zombie outbreak wouldn't make it this far North, right? "Bro, you told me they had the wall and everything. Jon Snow.. why the **** did I come here?" he yelled at his brother on the phone. He slammed it to the ground and stared into his briefcase full of $60 million.
That night he awoke to a horde of Toronto Raptors fans banging on his windows and doors - he froze in fear, head spinning, the walls turning into mush, Bill Walton making tuna sandwiches in his kitchen and the second half of "Diamonds Dancing" being chanted from the angry Toronto fans... Carroll starts gasping for air...
DEMAR DEROZAN - 22.2 PPG / 4.4 RPG / 4.2 APG .42% FG 28% 3PT
I didn't know what color to make DeRozan - he's scoring well, but his percentages have dropped from his rookie year and his iso style is not en vogue -- so I made him nuclear. Rumor has it DeRozan hibernates during the offseason inside of V616 Mon, the nearest black hole to Earth (he likes the solitude, it's not because he never passes the ball, idiots) and spends the rest of his summer getting wrecked in the Drew League. Regardless, Double De is going to get paid by the Raptors to a regrettable contract in the near future -- which will be the final nail in the coffin for RealGM servers. Almost like the Y2K bug, but real.
KYLE LOWRY - 19.2 PPG / 4.8 RPG / 6.6 APG .44% FG 43% 3PT
This cat is dangerous - he's not even himself. Evil Lowry took over sometime halfway through the summer, leaving the Real Kyle inside of a cellar - feeds him scraps that his pitbull Cujo doesn't feel like eating. A real prick. His surroundings were a little bit nicer until he found Real Kyle trying to plead for help via text message to Amir Johnson. Ever since that incident, Evil Lowry takes pleasure in torturing his twin - a weird Majin Buu sort of relationship that has to be illegal in the real world, but we all know Adam Silver is a pushover. Anyway, I don't trust anybody that scores 40 points in a preseason game, even if he was on my team. If you think Chris Paul or Russell Westbrook were dicks, combine both of them and you have Lowry... just like.. not skills wise. You know how incestuous relationships create abominations? Lowry is the good kind.
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ORLANDO "Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To **** Up Every Time" MAGIC
DEWAYNE DEDMON - 4.0 PPG / 5.8 RPG .44% FG
Well, it's either him or Jason "Willie Green" Smith - but I'm betting Dedmon will be the starter. I don't know what to think of this guy. One night he's playing like an angry Nerlens Noel with just as good defense, the next night he plays like Kyle O'Quinn with two more arms to foul with and gets backed down by Enes Kanter with zero resistance. We know that in Brazil this guy was a great volleyball player, leaving with a 1-0 record in beach volleyball down there -- so if this whole thing doesn't work out, at least he has a promising future. All I know is, we can't have our big guy shooting 44%. But boy can he dunk! And who doesn't love dunks?
TOBIAS HARRIS - 16.2 PPG / 8.2 RPG .45% FG .28% 3PT
"All Business" might be the most boring nickname in the NBA. More like "All Average" - he's right where he always is. He's never shot lower than 45% in the NBA and never higher than 46% either. His defense isn't as bad as people say, but it's not that good either. His three pointer is good enough to make teams respect it, but you don't really expect them to go in more than half the time either - which could be said for pretty much everybody on the Magic, but we love these guys regardless. When he's not on the court, catch him at The Smoothie Room slurping down a frozen treat! What an interesting guy. I definitely want to see more specials of him and Channing Frye.
EVAN FOURNIER - 20.6 PPG / 5.0 RPG .47% FG .34% 3PT
Champagne is flowing in the streets of Orlando, popped from none other than Fournier himself. We're 1-4, but that doesn't mean we can't celebrate our little RFA having another hot start that will inevit... wait... I can't jinx my own players. Fournier has been on fire, forcing people to Google his name in the middle of the game. "Yes, type in Fournier, it's great!" he whispered to Harden before halftime. When Harden came back to the court, he looked very displeased to say the least. "Man, I'd rather watch Khloe have sex with Odom again than look at pictures of dick infections!" Harden yelled while tripping over his own feet, blowing hidden whistles in his beard.
It's a shame. The "More Champagne" nickname is actually quite good, but "Don't Google" is going to take the internet by storm. Hopefully his ankle doesn't disintegrate with the 48 minute nights he's bound to get the rest of the season by Scott "I'm Not Tom Thibodeau" Skiles. Au revoir!
VICTOR OLADIPO - 16.2 PPG / 8.2 RPG / 4.2 APG .36% FG .91% 3PT
Victor Oladipo is the most least athletic player in the league. He can throw down a 540 mid game, but can't get enough contact on a layup to get fouled. It's a shame, because he's a good free throw shooter. For as much as this kid is in the gym, I'm not sure how much he spends shooting jumpers. We know that Oladipo has a flamethrower on his back at all times, but it only fires off sparingly, and we need that sucker 24/7. Oladipo's name is too fun to say to be playing these petty regular season games - this kid was born to perform in the playoffs, we just need a little more consistency from Oladipo. Now that MellowRose got banned, nobody here is sapping your power. We're rooting for you, Orlandipo!
ELFRID PAYTON - 8.4 PPG / 4.0 RPG / 6.6 APG .34% FG 1.000% FT
Elfrid woke in Orlando, practicing his shots. Elfrid woke in Summer League, Elfrid woke in Gretna walking through a hole in a fence to a court with Hezonja and Gordon, Elfrid woke on a football field with Chris Paul, Elfrid woke on Team USA Select, Elfrid woke in China, Elfrid woke to RealGM users questioning his play before the season even started. "Hmm.." he typed with one hand, the other throwing Sour Patch Kids in his mouth. "I swear I couldn't have done more this offseason! Oh well."
He tied his shoes at tip-off, ready for the first game of the season. After turning the ball over, he found himself on the bench as C.J. Watson winked, running past him to check into the game for the remaining 47 minutes. Jameer Nelson and Ridnour sent "rofl" texts for him to check at halftime. When Elfrid checked back into the game the next day, he tried to run a pick and roll with Vucevic, his bread and butter. Vuc looked sad and mouthed "I can't..." Skiles loomed in the background. Elfrid held the ball for more than 3 seconds and Skiles stomped his feet. Elfrid shot an open jumper that spun out, causing RealGM posters to go beserk. Elfrid passed the ball to an open player and David Steele mouths "MY WIFE IS MORE AGGRESSIVE IN BED THAN YOU ARE ON THE BASKETBALL COURT". Elfrid took the ball to the rim after a broken play and gets called a ball stopper, Jeff Turner runs onto the court and tackles him. "KAPAYA! IT'S YOU! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! KAPAAAAAAYA!"
Elfrid wakes up in cold sweats, realizing half of this is actually true, but things could be worse.... he could be Aaron Gordon, 10 feet outside of his house with a shock collar on his neck. AG turns his neck slightly and motions behind him, very cautiously as if to warn Elfrid. Inside of the doghouse is the gleaming red eyes of Scott Skiles, reading a Brian Schmitz article.
