Life

[gambitx777]

Ya know I was sitting here today up in my feelings about a lost ex. I thought ya know maybe we need a thread where our happy little wizards family can just talk about life and stuff.

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[montestewart]

Ya know I was sitting here today up in my feelings about a lost ex. I thought ya know maybe we need a thread where our happy little wizards family can just talk about life and stuff.

Sent from my SM-G991U1 using RealGM mobile app

Some people use the off-topic thread for that, but I have no issue with a new thread for that if it gets some burn. Hopefully everyone will be respectful about people sharing, and within our group, that’s probably the case, but remember anybody on the Internet can visit the thread and see whatever is in it.

[dobrojim]

I'm at an age where it seems more frequent to learn of loss or serious
health challenges among close contacts. Among these are:

My 65 yo bro-in-law passed about a month ago. He had suffered mental decline for many years and had
reached a point where he needed 24-7 attention which my sister was taking on heroically.
He could no longer walk, feed or toilet himself.
Then he suffered a fall possibly due to a seizure. The fall resulted in 2 broken hips and a shattered pelvis.
Faced with the choice of a having or not having a surgery and the long and likely painful rehab,
my sister decided to put in him hospice. This choice reflected talks the two of them had had
at an earlier time when both were fully competent. I understood and fully supported her choice.
He passed about 10 days later. Damnit life ain't fair.

Another close friend recently was suffering extreme abdominal pain. Was taken to the hospital
and had emergency surgery. They discovered 2 large tumorous masses causing a bowel obstruction.
These were removed. He had been splitting time between living in AZ and VA and was in AZ at this time.
When we (a group of friends he was a main member of) heard this, of course it scared the crap out of
us. A PET scan last week gave us some relief but there are still obvious concerns. He's in his early 60s
and retired about 6 years ago partly in response to seeing some his friends have to deal with serious
health issues. He was a runner who completed numerous marathon and ultra marathon events.

And there are a few others too. In my own dotage (old enough for Medicare), my memory sucks at times.
And I have various artificial medical devices in me. They have been very helpful.

I hope these don't come across as complaints. They are what they are.
Happy to be on the right side of the grass now and generally healthy enough
to enjoy myself even if I am a shadow of my former running self.

Sorry about your loss Gambitx. Losing an ex is complicated. I learned my ex, married < 2 years
and not in touch for > 20 years died probably a couple/few years after it happened. It felt strange.

Having been a contributing RealGMer for a couple decades or more, I'm willing to open up
and share.

[gambitx777]

Thanks for opening up. The last time I had a brush with this it was in college. I had one date with annive gal from down state and we just never went on another the one day she had an aneurysm walking to class and broke her neck on the stairs. It was my first non family member death and it was odd.

Sent from my SM-G991U1 using RealGM mobile app

[long suffrin' boulez fan]

Been a rough go around here. My 16 year old son didn’t come out of the COVID era well. Already shy and socially awkward, he’s become reclusive, deeply depressed and this year suffered from school refusal. Stays in his room most of the time, often can’t get out of bed. Thankfully most of his suicidal ideation has passed with the help of anti depressants and anti anxiety medication.

[payitforward]

Been a rough go around here. My 16 year old son didn’t come out of the COVID era well. Already shy and socially awkward, he’s become reclusive, deeply depressed and this year suffered from school refusal. Stays in his room most of the time, often can’t get out of bed. Thankfully most of his suicidal ideation has passed with the help of anti depressants and anti anxiety medication.

I feel for your kid. & for you.
Being a teenager always involves difficulty. I hope he's been willing to have therapy.

Some of the most productive, put-together people I know went through a version of what your son is struggling with. Tell him from me that if/when he can find his way through this, a great life awaits him.

[payitforward]

Ya know I was sitting here today up in my feelings about a lost ex. I thought ya know maybe we need a thread where our happy little wizards family can just talk about life and stuff.

Sorry to hear about the loss, gamby -- good for you for starting this thread.

[long suffrin' boulez fan]

Been a rough go around here. My 16 year old son didn’t come out of the COVID era well. Already shy and socially awkward, he’s become reclusive, deeply depressed and this year suffered from school refusal. Stays in his room most of the time, often can’t get out of bed. Thankfully most of his suicidal ideation has passed with the help of anti depressants and anti anxiety medication.

I feel for your kid. & for you.
Being a teenager always involves difficulty. I hope he's been willing to have therapy.

Some of the most productive, put-together people I know went through a version of what your son is struggling with. Tell him from me that if/when he can find his way through this, a great life awaits him.

Thanks PIF. Appreciate the kind words. I love the kid to death and don’t really know what else to do but to show up with love everyday.

[dobrojim]

I hope everyone here understands that therapy/counseling should never have
the kind of stigma that some luddites seem to think. It may or may not be the
answer to everyone's difficulties but others should avoid being critical about it.
And insurance should treat it no differently than a broken a arm or any
other physical ailment. That may be all the more difficult for some young
people. I will hold your son (LSBF) and others in the thread "in the light"
(quakerspeak)

PS to Long sufferin

Personal opinion - anything you can do to get your son outside and moving around
ie just walking, even a little may be more therapeutic than one might expect. Good luck.

[gesa2]

Long sufferin it sounds like you’re doing exactly what you should be doing. Unconditional love paired with some gentle advice and a willingness to walk the road with him goes a long way. Dobrojim is right. Lots of studies are out there showing exercise about as effective as SSRIs for depression. No need to do one or the other when both can help, along with counseling.

[pancakes3]

there are also other interests that a teenager can cultivate. all of them need parental support and nudging to a certain degree.

video games shouldn't carry a stigma. art, music, history, legos, whatever it is.

[doclinkin]

On depression, having grown up with a mother who had significant clinical depression, I learned that it almost doesn't matter what you do to break it, or improve it, so long as you try to do something. Anything. Exercise. Art. Therapy. Medication. Whatever. The very act of trying suggests a different possible future. Reading Darkness Visible by William Styron also helped me understand that the most dangerous aspect of depression is the dark delusion that even if you are able to remember having once been happy, that was surely a lie. That depression is all that there is.

I once in a dark moment of crisis had a brief thought that went something like this: I hope that one day, having gotten through all this, I can think back to this moment and send back a thought to the me of back then 'It's okay kid, there are better things ahead of you. Yes troubles, but there are still enough wonderful moments that will be worth it.' And in that moment I suddenly got a flood, a wave of positive energy, pulses really, of hope. Whenever I recount that story I take a moment to send back those good feels to the me of back then. It's okay kid, it gets better, you got this, it will be well. Yeah things can suck, but there is love in the universe in pockets and peaceful moments, watch for them, they will come.

So LSBF I'm sending a similar wave of positive feels to your kid. It's okay man, there will be good things, keep your eyes open, the universe sees you and knows you are here and bring a good value to the world. Find your active busy peace, the future is still figuring itself out for you, this is not all there is. Good things are coming. Grow. Grow ready for them.

[long suffrin' boulez fan]

On depression, having grown up with a mother who had significant clinical depression, I learned that it almost doesn't matter what you do to break it, or improve it, so long as you try to do something. Anything. Exercise. Art. Therapy. Medication. Whatever. The very act of trying suggests a different possible future. Reading Darkness Visible by William Styron also helped me understand that the most dangerous aspect of depression is the dark delusion that even if you are able to remember having once been happy, that was surely a lie. That depression is all that there is.

I once in a dark moment of crisis had a brief thought that went something like this: I hope that one day, having gotten through all this, I can think back to this moment and send back a thought to the me of back then 'It's okay kid, there are better things ahead of you. Yes troubles, but there are still enough wonderful moments that will be worth it.' And in that moment I suddenly got a flood, a wave of positive energy, pulses really, of hope. Whenever I recount that story I take a moment to send back those good feels to the me of back then. It's okay kid, it gets better, you got this, it will be well. Yeah things can suck, but there is love in the universe in pockets and peaceful moments, watch for them, they will come.

So LSBF I'm sending a similar wave of positive feels to your kid. It's okay man, there will be good things, keep your eyes open, the universe sees you and knows you are here and bring a good value to the world. Find your active busy peace, the future is still figuring itself out for you, this is not all there is. Good things are coming. Grow. Grow ready for them.

Thanks Doc and everyone for your kind and caring words. It means a lot to me to have you all -- virtual beings maybe, Russian Bots potentially, fellow deep-souled Wiz lovers/sufferers surely -- in my corner and, more importantly, in my son's.

Tough time to be a kid -- especially a very tall, awkward, nerdy, thoughtful one. He's dealing with a lot that the world has thrown at him -- COVID, questions about his assigned gender, a feeling of not fitting in, of not mattering. I love the idea of reassuring him that one day his future self will be able to look back on this time knowing that depression and anxiety isn't all that there is.

In the meantime, we will continue to try to get him outside, to exercise a little, to notice the birds. He's ridiculously smart, oppositional, cynical and arch, however, and tends to see any of this advice as somehow manipulative. He's off the charts intellectual (really -- clinician couldn't find his ceiling) but low on executive function. So, he sees where he wants to be but cannot take a single step forward to try to get there. That's a cruel mismatch, especially for a human without a yet fully developed frontal cortex.

[payitforward]

Your son sounds like an absolutely great kid.
& I'd like you to tell him I said that, please.

I'd like you to tell him I've lived a long time, done a lot, lived a lot of places around the world, known a lot of people, written a lot of books, & god knows what else I've done -- some I'm proud of & a lot that I regret -- & tell him that from everything you say about him he sounds like an amalgam of the best, smartest, most creative people I've known on this planet.

It's a burden he carries. But he needs to bear it.
Because that kid matters. We need him.

We need people who feel deeply. Who sense & share the suffering that inhabits this planet.

Your kid matters. He may be chosen. So he needs to bear his pain, & he needs to understand it, & he needs to take it with him as he gets up from that bed & starts to get himself out of that dark room of his soul. Because the world is waiting for him, & he has everything it needs from him. He has everything he needs. As he is. Now.

Tell him I said all that. Tell him I said it because it's true.

[dckingsfan]

I had a bunch of those when I was a cycling coach. I would get the non-ball sport, obese and introverted kids.

It took me a while to recognize what I had. I wish I could have recognized it earlier (a deep regret).

Eventually I got it right and created little sub-teams on the team. Even one friend makes a difference. And a friend where you take long bike rides (or any other activity for that matter) turns out to be very therapeutic.

[dobrojim]

https://indianapublicradio.org/news/2023/05/fort-wayne-school-cancels-lgbtq-themed-play-so-students-produce-it-themselves/

I don’t know if this will help but I posted this in the Political thread. I found it very encouraging. From how you described your son, he might too. HS kids not letting silly grownups stop them from doing something more important and needed(!) than they might have originally realized.

[Zonkerbl]

My dad died a few years ago. His golddigging 30 years younger girlfriend DID NOT TELL US. We found out about it when we got an obligatory letter from a lawyer informing us we had been written out of his will. He had parkinson's and was not competent but we didn't fight it.

Found out later that he had fallen and broken his hip and allegedly the girlfriend didn't let him get treatment for it (his living will was apparently phrased pretty vaguely) and that's why he died. So if that's true technically she murdered him and should not get the inheritance. Again, I just don't have the energy to pursue it. Dude was not my favorite person in the world, I wasn't around to take care of him and the girlfriend was, so sure she can have the money. And tbh if she murdered him, in a way I feel he deserved it. Maybe that makes me a bad person but that's how I feel.

When we told my moms he had died two months previously and we were just finding out now she laughed her head off.

[Zonkerbl]

Been a rough go around here. My 16 year old son didn’t come out of the COVID era well. Already shy and socially awkward, he’s become reclusive, deeply depressed and this year suffered from school refusal. Stays in his room most of the time, often can’t get out of bed. Thankfully most of his suicidal ideation has passed with the help of anti depressants and anti anxiety medication.

My daughter went through something similar, depression from PTSD from something bad that happened to her in middle school and ADHD on top of it. Used to have a lot of trouble just getting out of bed in the morning. She flunked out of college her first year. Really smart kid but her ADHD just doesn't allow her to operate in the way you have to to be successful at college. She discovered she really liked crisis management because it relies on you making decisions in the moment rather than having to plan out what you're going to do for the next six months and that works for her. She did a lot of contract work helping FEMA respond to hurricanes and she just now got a full time job with the Ohio state government's disaster response office, she's got her own insurance and is in a union and everything now. I'm super proud of her particularly given where she was at just a few years ago.

Step one is to just survive being a teenager with depression. Being there and being supportive and loving is the number one thing you can do.

[long suffrin' boulez fan]

Been a rough go around here. My 16 year old son didn’t come out of the COVID era well. Already shy and socially awkward, he’s become reclusive, deeply depressed and this year suffered from school refusal. Stays in his room most of the time, often can’t get out of bed. Thankfully most of his suicidal ideation has passed with the help of anti depressants and anti anxiety medication.

My daughter went through something similar, depression from PTSD from something bad that happened to her in middle school and ADHD on top of it. Used to have a lot of trouble just getting out of bed in the morning. She flunked out of college her first year. Really smart kid but her ADHD just doesn't allow her to operate in the way you have to to be successful at college. She discovered she really liked crisis management because it relies on you making decisions in the moment rather than having to plan out what you're going to do for the next six months and that works for her. She did a lot of contract work helping FEMA respond to hurricanes and she just now got a full time job with the Ohio state government's disaster response office, she's got her own insurance and is in a union and everything now. I'm super proud of her particularly given where she was at just a few years ago.

Step one is to just survive being a teenager with depression. Being there and being supportive and loving is the number one thing you can do.

Thanks Zonk. It really helps to know we’re not going through it alone and helps to hear stories like your daughter’s. She seems like a cool young woman.

[long suffrin' boulez fan]

My dad died a few years ago. His golddigging 30 years younger girlfriend DID NOT TELL US. We found out about it when we got an obligatory letter from a lawyer informing us we had been written out of his will. He had parkinson's and was not competent but we didn't fight it.

Found out later that he had fallen and broken his hip and allegedly the girlfriend didn't let him get treatment for it (his living will was apparently phrased pretty vaguely) and that's why he died. So if that's true technically she murdered him and should not get the inheritance. Again, I just don't have the energy to pursue it. Dude was not my favorite person in the world, I wasn't around to take care of him and the girlfriend was, so sure she can have the money. And tbh if she murdered him, in a way I feel he deserved it. Maybe that makes me a bad person but that's how I feel.

When we told my moms he had died two months previously and we were just finding out now she laughed her head off.

Man, that’s rough. You deserved a better father than you got. I’m very sorry brother.