The Wonders of Modern Medicine

[Ed Wood]

Late the year 2009 an accident at the labs of the Apothecon pharmaceutical company leads to an amazing discovery. An organic chemist, having just been treated to a court-side view of a closely contested battle between his beloved Nets and the hated Knicks slips in late to catch up on some work with his new souvenir towel, courtesy of his new friend Trenton Hassell.

As he enters his lab he treads on a pencil and slips, sending the towel hurtling into a vial of a certain chemical, and the two react violently; vapors quickly fills the room. The chemist panics and inhales deeply before realizing the danger, and spends a tense several minutes wondering what he's done to himself. To his surprise he begins to feel good, more athletic, taller, more bearded, able to play basketball. He's never balled in his life, so he's sure that the Nets game is just rubbing off on him, and he departs for home.

There his son, having spent the last ten years of his life struggling with a lack of parental affection, asks his father if he'd like to shoot around in the driveway. He is shocked when his father slips on some high socks and his New Balance running shoes and heads outside. What the two then discover leaves them dumbfounded, after the boy front-rims a twelve foot heave his father grabs the ball, puts it between his legs, and lays it in. Getting it back he dribbles hard to his right, weaves around his own parked BMW and elevates for a dunk. This is a moment of realization for the chemist. "I must have somehow given myself Trenton Hassell's basketball ability," he says aloud. He then backs up and bricks a twenty foot jumper but that's probably something Hassell would do too.

The next day he recreates the experiment and soon the FDA approves for sale a new type of drug, one which gives an average person the abilities of an NBA player, if only for a few hours. As word of these drug's impeding release reaches the NBA many of the league's greatest players are incensed by the idea that their talents could possibly be replicated and sold to the masses. LeBron James is quoted as saying "Witness me, ME" and Dwayne Wade declares that he'd be willing to allow fans the chance to experience his game "for like a trillion dollars, also you have to wear black shoes and white socks."

Rather than face the inevitable legal difficulties posed by the big name players Apothecon decides to avoid any player ever named an all star, or to an All NBA team, and instead focus selling the skill sets of less high profile athletes. Now NBA pills are available for a reasonable price, and allow even the least athletic hoopster an hour of the skills and physical abilities of an NBA player.

So, with all that background out of the way, who you buying? If you could play like any non-big name NBA player, have their talent, their physical abilities, who'd you partake of? Or just wax poetic on your favorite NBA player, maybe a skill possessed by a player that leaves you green with envy.

Personally number one on my list would be the now retired Jason Williams. I've had my share of fundamentals and good defense and all that nonsense and what I'd really like to do is be able to wrap the ball around my body, fake a no look pass and hit a teammate in the face with a dish off of my elbow while moving at about twenty miles an hour. Nobody's going to remember who won some pickup game but I bet they'll remember the dude who shot thirty pull up threes (and made maybe twelve of them).
-Ed
I don't expect this tread to last long, so don't feel bad if you don't feel moved to contribute. And I think I got the idea from an old ESPN the magazine (stop sending me your magazine already ESPN) but I might be making that up.

[Dat2U]

I'd take a dose of Kwame Brown please.

Seriously...

Imagine Kwame's talent paired with an actual brain & heart.

[pancakes3]

Vince. I'd dunk until i couldn't feel my legs anymore.

[Notorious_1]

Iverson...I'd love to be able to cross up people to the point they just look stupid. You know where I'm going and how I'm going to get there, but you stand motionless as I hit you with an onslaught of quick crossover dribbles.

[queridiculo]

I'd take a dose of Kwame Brown please.

Seriously...

Imagine Kwame's talent paired with an actual brain & heart.

All you need then is a pair of grown up hands.

[doclinkin]

Forget basketball, I'd do my best to get a Sean Taylor game-worn. Only problem being trying to figure out whose DNA is in that blood on the jersey. Mostly I just miss seeing the guy come flying in from somewhere off screen then thoroughly erasing an opposing player. Course I have no use for such a skill except I dunno, chasing down a purse snatcher or whatnot. But still, Sean Taylor though.

I'd have to think on what one basketball skill I'd want.

[NbdyBeatsTheWiz]

Forget basketball, I'd do my best to get a Sean Taylor game-worn. Only problem being trying to figure out whose DNA is in that blood on the jersey. Mostly I just miss seeing the guy come flying in from somewhere off screen then thoroughly erasing an opposing player. Course I have no use for such a skill except I dunno, chasing down a purse snatcher or whatnot. But still, Sean Taylor though.

I'd have to think on what one basketball skill I'd want.

That's pretty darned useful though, just get a full head of steam and KO the guy on impact. You'd hardly ever have to actually fight anyone.

[ZonkertheBrainless]

You guys, you're not playing by the rules:
"Rather than face the inevitable legal difficulties posed by the big name players Apothecon decides to avoid any player ever named an all star, or to an All NBA team, and instead focus selling the skill sets of less high profile athletes. Now NBA pills are available for a reasonable price, and allow even the least athletic hoopster an hour of the skills and physical abilities of an NBA player. "

[pancakes3]

fine. Harold Miner then.

[dobrojim]

Magic

or maybe Maravich!